Chalo Sote Hain, Baby!
(Stars died of tedium)
'Baby! If a guy chooses his mom over his wife, then he's gay'... This film makes such outrageous claims, it barely qualifies as 'adult'. Unfortunately baby! It is not even sleazy enough to titillate. It's only teeth-grindingly dull talk, talk, talk about 'sleeping with this or that person' and ...
'Kitnee baar soye uske saath?' One of the women in this ensemble cast of the damned screams at the husband.
Someone who talks about movies on radio made this movie. And their love for the movies, baby, is evident in the number of posters and vinyl covers pasted on the walls and references to scenes in movies...
'14 times? You bastard! 14 times tum uske saath soye?' She's screaming, then she adds, 'Baby, main bhi kisi aur ke saath soyi hoon!'
However, baby, this is the least offensive part. The kindest thing one could say about it is that it is capable of curing insomnia.
The 14 times cheat husband now asks the wife, 'Baby, tum kitnee baar soyi?'
Do you really want to know? A movie with an adult certificate that claims people spoke everything they do in the movie for candid cameras at a farm and that the film is a re-enactment of those 'real' moments. I don't think we know anyone who would create a scene like this, no matter how vengeful they are feeling at the time and run after their spouse with a gun and then a large knife...
Baby, others join the 'Main soya', 'Main bhi soya' and just when you think you are going to be served a soy-protein supplement so you could run out of the theatre, you hear: 'Tumhara earthworm kabhi saanp nahi banega'... This movie will not allow anyone to sleep despite the 'I slept with him', 'I slept with her', 'I slept with an old man', 'I slept with a barely legal lad', 'I slept with many'... You'll begin to think that their sexual lives must be very tedious and soporific because everyone talks about 'sleeping'. That's when you realise that you don't care if they are alive or they die because baby, you have watched a chap open a pack of condom and chew on it as if it were gum and go on and on about it being flavorful.
Before you can say, 'Baby, whaaat?' you are laughing your head off because they tell you, 'A man is gay if he takes his mother's side in an argument over his wife's, a man is gay if he checks if his shoes are soiled by lifting his foot in a particular way and that a man is gay if his handkerchief is floral instead of a solid color.'
Wow! You think! Scientific research be damned!
It gets funnier... Unintentionally, of course, because one of the characters explains why she is promiscuous: Baby, no one wanted to see my computer skills...
The rest is worse. All the 'babies' are caricatures - an unhappily married couple, a couple who have an open marriage who cannot keep their hands off each other, one virginal man, one obviously horny man, one freshly engaged couple with the girl who claims tradition and culture, one promiscuous girl - and they say the most obvious 'sexual' dialog without an ounce of feeling.
In fact, even when they are confessing to their same sex orientation, the moment is shown so tackily, you wish for bad jokes you have seen in No Entry and other sex comedies you walked out of... Wedding videos these days are more sophisticated and imaginative than a bunch of grown ups, chukling at erectile dysfunction, mouthing dialog like 'khada nahi hota', 'baitha hai' is funny.
Then comes the moment baby, when we are told why the movie was made. The filmmaker wants to confess he's HIV+ve and hopes 'this experiment, baby' has shown how important it is to be safe. Instead of going, 'Oh!' and feeling bad for the chap, you laugh, because after the talk about safety, he proposes to the girl who almost marries the chap just out of the closet. Run, baby, run! You tell yourself and do just that, and you pray that someone would staple all those brainless people at the farm and their inane 'issues' about sex baby and blow up the farm so nothing like this ever gets made, baby...
P.S. If you haven't realised, the word 'baby' is used by everyone, every three minutes, that you begin to say 'Jejus!' a la Rakhi Sawant inside your head every three minutes three seconds. Sigh. I found religion. But you? You don't need to take that chance.