Friday, May 01, 2015

Review: Gabbar Is Back

Hum Bore Ho Chuke Sanam!

1 and 1/2 star

Mini Review:

Not again! This time Sanjay Leela Bhansali falls for 'South ka remake'. This awfully loud moral science lesson will have public singing, 'Hum bore ho chuke sanam!'  

Main Review:

Salman Khan's Jai Ho was so preachy, people preferred to stay at home and watch his Dixcy Scott ads or google Sunny Leone. Here, Akshay Kumar is so preachy he spouts dialog about helping weed out corruption with a photo frame of Hanuman on the bookshelf behind him (yes, character SanjayBaba Bhansali forgot to include in Raam Raas Leela). 

It's so preachy you actually are thankful for Chitrangada Singh's cleavage and chandi (kundi being the arsehole! technicality pointed out by friend stickler for details). It's a South remake, so it is only fair that people should be told that 'kundi' means butt. Yes, when Chitrangada Singh gyrates you are laughing because the person sitting next to you shares the wiki page of Ramanaa the woriginal South movie he googled.

Speaking of Google anna, there's a scene where Shruti Haasan walks inadvertently into traffic while checking some inane thing on her phone. By this time, the audience too wants to do just that. Deliberately.     

One little part of me that loves Akshay Kumar's grin consoles me, you will see it, it attempts to pacify me. But the beard has taken over. It is so literally in your face, they forgot his eyes and nose in the posters... But then I am distracted by the rain song where the rain not only washes away Akshay Kumar's tan (he looks so fair, his mooch looks like an alien caterpillar settled on his lip waiting for Akki's grin) it washes away any hope of relief...

The only relief is offered by dialog that reaches filtered through the villain's mooch! 

'I AM A BRAND!' he claims. And no matter what anyone says after that, you add, 'Because he's a brand! The movie becomes so much more fun...

Even Mughal-e-Azam sounds more fun when you imagine Prithviraj Kapoor saying, 'Aur hum Anarkali tumhe jeene nahi denge because I'm a brand!'

It gets funnier when the villain and the hero face off in a dialog fight: 

'You cannot kill me because I'M A BRAND!'
'I'm a BIGGER Brand, you villain!'
'No I am a BRAND, watch me sneer!'
'Sneer and fear me, the whole country thinks I'm a bigger BRAND. My name is Gabbar!'
'You're not bigger, I'm the original BRAND'
'Here, let me paste my footprint on your green shirt and then maybe you will accept that I'm the best BRAND'

Should brand heads of products be allowed to get into such fights the world would be so much more fun...

That takes care of the one star. The half? Goes to the fightmaster's assistant who thought it was awesome to put a lauki, yes, a bottle gourd, at a chaat stand outside the college where the hero (hair brought to you by Wind Tunnel Hair Inc.) fights goons. I was so distracted by the lauki, I missed the reason why the goons showed up at the college. I pray some Akki fan will upload the fight video soon so you'll know I'm not lying...

Here is a picture of laukis so you too forget that this movie will be running in a cinema near you.

P.S. There are other people in the movie, but they are not brands. I feel for them. Not. 

P.S. I'm now going to watch Akshay's gorgeous grin in songs like 'ek uncha lamba kad'

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