Friday, May 08, 2015

Review: Kuch Kuch Locha Hai

Bahut Kuch Boring Hai

(Wardrobe malfunction-wala star bhi nahi!)

Mini Review: 

Sunny Leone's 'i know what men want' refrain is boring. Ram Kapoor's earnest lust is boring. Evelyn Sharma's ever plunging cleavage is boring. Sunny Leone's assets seem to be so bored in those 'did she forget to wear a blouse' bra-tops that you can hear them snore in slo mo.

Main Review:

This Review is Bouncing. In slow-mo. 

Unfortunately, the boobs that induced the bouncing are so tired and boring, you might take a quick nap. And they'll still be right there on screen when you wake up/ 

It's Sunny Leone's nth movie. And her ability to walk on impossibly high heels do not impress you any more. Her gyrations, her orgasmic pout, her boob thrusts  are now so familiar, you laugh when she starts slithering against a wall and pretends to shiver with pleasure. Ramesh and Suresh eating chocolate seem to find real pleasure than this display of slo-mo orgasm. 

'Yeh kar kya rahi hai?'

They did not know whether they were making a boob fest or setting up Sunny's assets for best acting by female body parts award. It's too apologetic to be a sex comedy. Ram Kapoor fantasizes about Sunny, but in the most decent way. Sunny wants to be the object of fantasy  but also gives us a speech about 'will any decent man allow me to work the work I do as an actor after marriage'. She wears a saree and says she wants to learn garba (pronounce it in slo mo as you would the words 'Garbanzo beans'). And the next minute she performs a strip tease  in front of bhagwaan-ji's temporary temple, the priest, and everyone else, sheds the saree and the blouse and steps out in a bra top (again!) and a matching skirt. 

Before you can say 'Jeeejus' and miss Rakhi Sawant, your eyes are drooping from watching the newbie Navdeep Chhabra do his gareebon ka Hrithik Roshan act. Some of us in the show were convinced that the lad did not shower all through the film because it might wash away his hair gel or his luck...

Evelyn Sharma's wardrobe person deserves a pat on his/her back because they make sure she doesn't injure her face or her knees when bouncing so much. Your brain is tired of the skin show. You think... Will...You...Stop...Bouncing... And even when she is bouncing, she does not forget her culture: 'namaste maa-ji' she says to gareeb Hrithik's mom. She is shown to be a bikini-wearing rocker chick, but she wants to marry gareeb Hrithik even though he does not have any money.

Oh, but even thou his dad Ram Kapoor runs a grocery store, gareeb Hrithik drives a ferrari and plays the guitar in a 'rock band' with the strap dangling over the strings he's strumming. You idly want him to be electrocuted with that guitar, but it's not connected to any amp alas. He's just playing a rock concert to no audience on the street with his band.

Ram Kapoor is now doing what Vinay Pathak was attempting (and failing) to do a few years ago. Playing the lovable, extra large fool. To watch him being pawed by the awful obviously gay hairdresser is so tedious, your bile goes back to some unknown region inside you and your brain sends you sleep waves in sympathy...

The unfortunate story and the slo-mo bounce could emasculate even the most die-hard fan of Karenjit Kaur Vohra. Whereas you would say Wo-oh-raaah to Ms Kaur in other movies, here you want to say, 'Ab bas, mataji. Shawl oadh lo. Ghar jaao.' You even make sad sounds for the pathetic husband who shows up in the movie for a token dance thing.

Speaking of dance, yes, some do tequila shot item number is catchy. But by the end of the movie you think you have aged in real time, and you are too tired to remember if the audience should have drowned during the paani wala dance...

P.S. The other characters are so creepy, Gujaratis should collectively protest against this film. 


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