GORI TERE PYAR MEIN

one star

Let’s Play Village-Village

Mini Review:

A cowpat here, some dirt there, huts and buffaloes and a rickety rope bridge that prevents the perfectly made up heroine from leaving the village with the hero. Alas the audience is stuck too…

Main Review:

I tried to like this movie. I really did. But I loved Imran Khan’s eyebrows more. They act more than anyone else in the movie does. But even the most amazing eyebrows in Bollywood cannot help the movie where everyone’s playing ‘village-village’.

‘Oooh! Let’s put a cowpat in the hero’s way!’

‘Nooo! But his shoes are so expensive!’

‘Don’t worry, he will act like he’s stepped into that steaming putrid pancake.’ ‘Aah! Good!’

‘How about dirt?’

‘There should be dirt, of course!’

‘Farm animals?’

‘Yes! Buffaloes, Goats, Chicken..’

‘But… But… How did the buffaloes reach the village? That rope bridge is not meant for cattle...’

‘No one comes to cinema with much logic!’

‘Oh! So it’s okay to have chickens in the vegetarian village?’

‘Of course you need chickens! How else will villagers wake up in the morning?’

‘Riiiiiight!’

‘What about the heroine?’

‘As usual she will have endless ethnic wardrobe.’

‘And a tote that carries enough eye-liners to have lasted her for eleven months.’

So it’s a tale where boy tells girl she’s only playing at slumming, so she goes to a really far off village. It is so far away, the audience will not know why they speak UP style Hindi with a plate of dhokla thrown in to show us we are in Gujarat.

‘Don’t be mean, ya! Everyone will be wearing Gujarati mirror-work clothes.’

‘Oh, okay then. Erm… Will there be garba?’

‘No. Last week’s movie had enough garba.’

Remember how we laughed when Asha Parekh and co would wear Jean Paul Gaultier-esque conical cholis and applique skirts and their dupattas were more to cover their heads than their bosom? (I’ve always wanted those conical head thingys from where the dupattas billowed, as the heroine chased, and cuddled lambs!)

If you’ve ever spent time in your granny’s village, you would know that lambs smell like hell (like sweaters left out in the damp, really), and it smells so ghastly, you’d want to wear a clothes pin on your nose if there are buffaloes and hay around. The inspiration for this movie seems to be more A Simple Life than any reality, or the need to ‘save the villages’.

Anyway, had the chemistry been volatile, we would have loved the a year of simple living with gori ben and eyebrow bhai. But we loved eye-brow anna’s appa and amma more. And they are sidelined after intermission.

We happily forgave Bombay masquerading as Bangalore, because Sriram’s appa and amma are shown to be adorable. Loved the way appa said, 'Amrica se yaylien ban ke aaya hai!'. We wouldn’t mind being adopted by the family either (the maamis are dressed in Kanjivarams and really, really wonderful jewelery and the periappas and chittapas are dressed in veshtis)

We even loved Shraddha Kapoor and her Kammo Singh. But he runs away from this family, what to do, and plays village-village with belle with bedecked eyes. I wish there was a cavorting with lambs song (while carrying pot to the river) to show us how the heroine has been assimilated. But we get to see lots and lots of ACC cement bags and trucks… And you squash that nagging voice inside you which asks, ‘With only a rope bridge connecting them to the world, how did they get to the village?’

But eye-brow boy hums Lagaan songs, swings his tote bag over the shoulders like Shah Rukh does and we are distracted by his devotion to Sandy the crab.

What? have I lost it? Yes. I went looking for sanity that slipped out of my hands and under the seats of a practically empty theater (no more than 25 at this PVR ECX in Andheri, First Day First Show), and the bridge was still not built. Please save yourself some (sanity, money, time) and maybe watch it when it appears on tv. Suddenly eye-brow boy’s I Hate Luv Storys (despite the horrendous grammar) seems like an awesome movie. 

I am listening to my favorite song 'Bin Tere' from I Hate Luv Story. So apt for this movie: Koi Khalish Nahi Hoti Bin Tere...

FREE BIRDS

one star

Time Traveling Turkeys

Mini Review:

The idea is fantastic, but the story goes on and on. Great for parents of little kids, as they will fall asleep watching this film.

Main Review:

The thanksgiving connect in India is completely wasted, and so is the idea of pardoning a turkey. Even then, little kids will enjoy the animation of turkeys comparing muscle, little kid clutching at Reggie the turkey, will laugh at the power struggle between Jake and Ranger, and will adore the baby turkeys. The grown ups will tire of the same ole voice of Owen Wilson who sounds the same, whether he is acting with Jackie Chan or he appears as a turkey who travels reluctantly through time…

The best, and most grown up line in the movie, and this is not a spoiler (grown ups will groan through the movie, since the animation is hardly up to par with movies like Brave or Despicable Me) is when Reggie is thrown out of the barn for telling the brainless turkeys of the flock to not eat corn. The fattened turkeys throw him out and say, ‘Anti-Corn!’

The humans depicted in the movie are scary, but the solution to not killing birds for thanksgiving is delightful. And yes, there’s a message of living in harmony and loving creatures… Just writing about the movie is like re-living the painfully long 91 minutes. Take your kiddies because you must… It’s a price we pay for procreation.

THOR THE DARK WORLD

three stars

Loki Steals The Show

Mini Review:

It’s a Thor movie, but it’s his wicked brother who steals the show! You cannot miss this super sequel.

Main Review:

Yes, Thor is the cool dude (the women in the audience swoon upon sighting his abs!), and loves his Jane Foster like every woman dreams of being loved, but it is wicked brother Loki who actually makes you want to watch the movie again.

Even though Loki struggles to make a place for himself in Asgard, he clearly wins the hearts of the audience. He’s got a wicked shape shifting trick and a sense of humor. In the presence of scary villainous elves and dark monsters, he is so calm you have to become a fan girl, or boy.

The movie effortlessly takes us from Asgard to London and weird sounding realms and although the nit-picky part of you wishes there was a handy pamphlet to explain the complicated geography of the universe, the comic-book loving part of you will enjoy the craziness of it all.

The special effects are engaging and not once do you ever groan or disbelieve the physics. You even suppress a giggle and believe the gorgeous Natalie Portman - who goes into every scene as though she is a dimwitted heroine of a horror movie rather than a scientist - is worthy of love of a God.In the first movie you enjoyed watching heir to Odin eat pancakes, here get ready to enjoy the madness of Dr Eric Selvig. You enjoy Hemsworth’s rage and his skill with the hammer… The hammer moment will make you smile…

But wait. Why do you need any more in a review? Go book your tickets now.

One last word on Loki. He’s magnificent. Never before have you cheered for a villain like this. Go for Thor’s blonde awesomeness, come away after cheering for the dark Loki.

P.S: Do wait for credits to roll and watch the surprise.  

SATYA 2: review

Half A Star

Funniest Gangster Film

Mini Review:

Spend two hours and thirty three minutes of your life vacillating between despair (because it isn’t anything like the original Satya) and unintentional humor from the verbal and visual vomit on the screen.

Main Review:

Such a relief that this was not anything like the original Satya. This is perhaps the funniest gangster film this year. Which other film dares to claim that it was inspired by Tom And Jerry cartoons? The gangsters actually discuss this:

‘Tom and Jerry dekha hai? Choohe aur billi ki ladai mein faayda hamesha kutte ka hota hai!’

Of course immediately after, the guy who wears maximum jewellery and overacts the most dies.

Well, these are gangsters. And our hero is creating a company with a structure that promises you an India within India, a business within all businesses, a system (pronounced ‘systim’ so many times, you will forget the original enunciation) within systems… His plan is so complex, it foxes the cops, and the filmmaker too (‘what his system is we will tell you that another time...’ they promise)

The hero wears sweaters in Bombay. As if that wasn’t an indication of his poor constitution, you discover that he is not even half Mohit Ahlawat. He has no oglable anything. No gluteus maximus, no strong legs, no six-pack abs, and no acting. You wish he'd bathe once in a while, though. Ram Gopal Varma claimed that he ‘acts with his eyes and screams with his whispers’ so we waited two and a half hours for that to happen…

The heroines… Yes, there are two. Equally jaw-droppingly hilarious. ‘My name is Special’ one says, ‘Who are you?’ lying down on the floor, her breasts heaving (her boyfriend actually wrestles her to the ground in order to make her stop her fake ballet type dance). The audience wants to offer a towel to wipe her sweaty cleavage (which we see all through the movie), but we are distracted by the second heroine: Duckface.

She’s poor man’s Nargis Fahkri, this Satya’s love interest. She has the funniest dance moves this side of Bollywood dance studios. She’s supposed to be the village belle fantasy, but the only thing she might ever do is cure men of amorous thoughts. She’s singing something apparently lustful as she comes at the hero on all fours, and all we want to do is sign her up for the local kindergarten where she can play 'horsie' with toddlers. She overdoes the bite-lower-lip-wide-eyed act so much that you pray a stray bullet should kill her.

When we speak about bullets, we must speak about cops. The cops in the movie (and there are many) are very fond of drawing guns, even on unarmed, wide-eyed belles (dressed so skimpily, she could not possibly hide her gun anywhere, and if at all, she wouldn’t be able to draw that gun quickly enough). If that wasn’t funny, the main cop is shown to clutch his back in agony and groan in pain in every scene and with every step he takes. Aargh! Uff! Aaargh! Ohhh!

But there’s another who overacts. His speech about how there’s a ‘soya hua puliswala jo jaagrut ho gaya’ is so convoluted and so badly delivered, it is worth two bullets. One for your own head (for trying to decipher this: when you came to me I was a cop who was tired of being a cop, and in that frustration I agreed to not be a cop, but the cop inside me was awakened and when a cop becomes a cop inside and out, then you must understand that an awakened cop is more than just a cop and he has to behave as though he was awakened…), and one for his trouble.

For those who love tear-your-shirt, kickass, dhaansu one liners, this movie is a feast of untranslatable laughs:

‘In sab ke badle mein milega aapko badla!’

‘Daddy, woh baharwala hai, use baahar hi rakho, daddy!’

‘Satya, yeh koi double role film nahi hai.’

‘Aur media baron Gurdeep Rajdesai ki maut bhi hogi.’

‘Company kaam aur paisa aisa banati jaaye ki kisi ko bhi pata na chale.’

‘Jo anyay kare, use nyay se maaro!’

Thankfully, there are no crotch shots, peek under the skirt shots, no look into cleavage shots, make audience dizzy with sudden dive shots, no snatch and jerk shots to make you want to chew your fingers off. But there’s eagle-vision camera (a camera that floats over Bombay) offering the audience a bird’s eye-view of the underworld that is Bombay. And that eagle-vision camera earns this movie the half star.

Thankfully, this is nothing like the original Satya, which is still a blueprint for many a crime movie almost 25 years later. 

As for the rest of the movie, if you’re not laughing at the convoluted dialog, then you must start a drinking game. Each time the voiceover (has more lines than all the characters in the movie) says ‘Underworld’ you drink. You’ll be drunk within the first ten minutes.

(our site www.filmorbit.com is still struggling with crazy server issues. please read review here.)

Review: Ender's Game

ENDER’S GAME

★★★☆☆

Pre-teen Video Gamer’s Delight

Mini Review:

It’s a futuristic world where the boys (and a couple of girls) are trained to do men’s jobs, and the men watch as kids fight aliens…

Main Review:

What’s with sharp kids who cry at the drop of a hat? Harry Potter cried through his eight films. Even our local superhero Krrish 3 has hazel eyes brimming with tears…Ender sure has a name that would make anyone cry, but as he says, ‘Bean’ isn’t much of a name either.

So it’s the kids who play video games who are selected to save the planet from alien ants. The grown ups are paranoid and want to pre-empt the aliens by attacking first. And the kids are pawns in their game…

It’s predictable stuff we see: combat school bullying, grown ups pushing gifted kids, gifted kids unsure of their powers… But what amazed me is the trivia associated with this movie. All the kids were trained by Cirque Du Soleil so they could perform the battle school training exercises. In fact they trained also at Space Camp and NASA so they could learn to work their zero gravity scenes.

IMDB reports:  To achieve the effect of weightlessness for the actors in the battle room, two rigs were invented for this movie, used to capture zero gravity scenes. First was a lollipop arm, which is like a counter-balance offering a full range of motion. The second innovation was a "people crane." It's a contraption, sort of like the lollipop arm, but put on air pucks so that the effects is like you are floating around in the air.

Now when you read information like this, naturally your respect for the film grows.

The end is predictable too, and you empathize with the kid who has to live with a war on his conscience, but then they slip into sequel alert rather beautifully.

No matter how sweet the boy hero looks in the film, and how cool all the visual effects are, the movie remains a kiddie movie. As I said, pre-teens will enjoy watching this film.


(due to technical troubles on our site www.filmorbit.com, i am posting this review on my personal blog)

Krrish 3 review

KRRISH 3

★☆☆☆☆

Kangna KOs Krrish!

Mini Review:

There’s not a thing that’s original in this movie and you hope there’s a million dollar lawsuit on the horizon, but a star is born, and Kangna trumps Krrish in his own movie.

Main Review:

Imagine watching this movie with Stan Lee, Patrick Stewart, Hugh Jackman, Jennifer Lawrence, Nirupa Roy, Uma Thurman, Robert Pattinson, Chris Nolan, Zack Snyder and Toby Stevens…

Stan Lee: I need to get Amitabh Bachchan to do a voiceover for Chakra.

Patrick Stewart: Modified Neelkamal chair… oooh! Niiice! Me wants one. But the hair, the hair on Vivek Oberoi! I prefer my bald head..

Me: The director is bald too…

Jennifer Lawrence: Shush! Let me watch Kangna. What have they done to her eyes?

Me: It’s an ode to Tezuka, to Manga, but unintentional on their part, I am sure…

Jennifer Lawrence: Oooh! I love her dress, but her hair…

Me: That dress is brilliant. It’s so constricting, not once has she said, ‘Besterd!’

Jennifer Lawrence: I do like Mystique’s blue body tho…

Me: Naah, we Indians have Krishna the Blue God. Krrish is politically correct. See how he gives advice to stupid kids (instead of letting his mother slap him for rescuing pigeons instead of doing math homework, and by the way, who rescues pigeons in this pigeon infested country?)! See how he submits tamely to sponsorship by flying past the brands, getting sacked from jobs at brands, consumes brands… All of which rivals branding references in Viruddh!

Patrick Stewart: Wake up Bob! Isn’t this like your vampire movies?

Robert Pattinson: Yeah. The same Zinc Oxide skin glistening effect. When the fangs materialise, wake me up.

Toby Graves: Yaar! This is very lame! Iceland bio reserves ke stock shots liye!

Me: You are speaking in Hindi!

Toby Graves: I’m speaking in tongues! Why are Krrish and Kangna skiing on the snow when he can fly? Ooh! I Like Kangna…

Stan Lee: Me too! But what is with Maanvar?

Me: Maanav plus Jaanvar equals Maanvar…

Stan Lee: *dies laughing*

We observe one minute silence for that death.

Uma Thurman: He wiggled toes! He wiggled toes! Just like the Bride does In Kill Bill!

Me: Uma! Ms Thurman! Please don’t die! Please!

We observe one minute silence

Nirupa Roy: I could have died too, but this bone marrow transplant has no emotional value like blood transfusion in Amar Akbar Anthony.

Suddenly we are interrupted by a hologram beam where Darth Vader has a message for Krrish fans. (Imagine the characteristic heavy breathing through his mask)

‘Why don’t y’all watch Empire Strikes Back? I get to tell Luke ‘I’m your father’. That’s more impactful than Vivek Oberoi’s ‘You’re my father’, no?’

Before I can gather courage to say that Krrish 3 is a celebration of 100 years of cinema, hence not a single thing is original, Darth Vader signs off. But what’s this?

Chris Nolan has just texted the whole world that he is never again going to make a Dark Knight Rises ever again after seeing the statue unveiled and statue shattered scenes. And the makers accept the resignation because Chris Nolan could never think of having a lip synched crowd song. Hans Zimmer is reported dead after hearing God, Allah Ya Bhagwan song. Chris is dead. Long live the Dark Knight.

I look at Zack Snyder with pride. See how we manages to copy Man Of Steel fight sequence? I am sorry to say that Zack was literally turned to stone (scientific term ‘petrified’) upon watching the biggest waste of CGI in his movie replicated in this movie.

Hugh Jackman has been watching quietly through the two hours and thirty two minutes of Krrish 3. I ask him, ‘Wolverine?’

Hugh Jackman: Why does Krrish hold his breath and shake each time he is on screen? Pardon me, but does he suffer from Parkinson’s?

Me: He’s shaking with anger, Wolverine!

Hugh Jackman looks at his hands. The adamantium claws emerge and he smashes his claws into his own neck.

We observe yet another minute of silence at this death. We mourn the death of originality also. Only the women in this special screening emerge: Jennifer Lawrence, Nirupa Roy, Uma Thurman and yours truly. Yes, Robert Pattinson wakes up too. He’s alive because girls across the world love him and that kept him safe. Like Harry Potter.

Kangna Ranaut deserves the only star we give to this movie. Because of her dress and her restrained acting as Kaya. Happy to report she KOs Krrish in this movie.

(due to technical difficulties on www.filmorbit.com, i'm posting the review here.)

after midnight

sometimes dirt is all you need

to mend broken feathers.

but they didn't tell you

dirt might choke you.

and no one, no one told you

about how much your chin hurts

when you fall face first

from grace.

tempestuousness is a big word

and an equally large price to pay.

this is a desert

take my skin first,

strip it away

layer by dry layer,

slowly, i want to feel the pain.

and let the sun

separate the red,

until the sands are thirsty no more.

let the dry northerly winds,

blow away strands that hold

these hollow bones,

so white these bones,

see how easily they crumble,

but will you read what's inscribed

by his quill first?

mannami goyam aanal haq,

mannami yaar ni goyak vigo,

you own me, my blue one,

but won't claim me,

send me copies of yourself,

who don't wish to claim me either.

but am still here on this path,

where a peacock feather lies

a careless clue of you.

am still here,

because the ceaseless wind

brings a refrain of your breath

from a hollow bamboo

sometimes.

in pink

you should not be so obvious

my blue one, in your gloating.

because i stand here smitten

by you smelling of juhi flowers.

all you had to do is ask.

you know i would leave everything

and show up at your doorstep,

windblown hair, heart on my sleeve,

hungry to see your smile.

i'm easy, you think,

gullible even,

malleable, like silly putty.

and still you weave an elaborate plot

have the ticket clerks in not one

but three multiplexes

tell me friday first shows are all booked!

making me believe,

i am lucky to simply walk up to your temple.

you think i don't know your tricks?

you think i don't know how much

you're missing me?

how much you need me

to be standing here,

looking slightly foolish,

and so totally lovelorn?

all you had to do is ask.

btw. you look good even in pink.

hope

jab raqueeb hee na rahe

janaaze toh uthenge,

jaakar bataa do unhe,

jo laashon ko liye phirte hain,

ab kabr mein bhi araam nahee.

in hawaaon ka zeher

is kadar zehen mein ghul gaya hai,

saans mein bhi raahat nahee.

na dawaa hai, na hua hai

ibaadat ka hee koi asar,

jiye jaa rahe hain

is chaah mein magar,

thaam loge kabhi toh

haath hamara,

padegi hum par bhi kabhi

reham ki nazar.

blueprint

under orion's gaze
when yearning turned into ache,
i died a little that night.

music died, the harvest moon did nothing,

words died, the breezes did nothing,

the earth did not open up

to swallow my pride.

the willow stopped weeping

and turned its silver tipped leaves

into whips, stripped my skin,

salt from the seas singed

of what remained.

i'm back at your doorstep,

still thirsting for you.

your clones in flesh and bone,

may distract me for a while,

and i can hear you laugh

when i bleed,

and that laugh is my strength,

and i am ready to play the clown

who has fallen in love again.

seeking

the more i yearn,
the more you laugh.
the more i chase,
the further you fly.
the more i need,
the more elusive you are.

where is my pride?
where is shame?
what is this bliss i seek?
what magic is in your name?

if only you'd pause,
you'd see, my ache,
my want, my hankering,
is only for thee.

but your eyes are closed,
your thoughts elsewhere.
i ask for but one instant,
will you open your heart for me?

to the author of the anon comment on betelnut the movie

hey anonymous!

thank you for the comment about the film. it got us back to working harder at it.

your $100 are safe in the paypal account. if you wish to take it back, you should have used your real name, and your money would have been returned to you. But you chose to send an anon comment and called us crooks. that's not cricket! tell me your real name and the money will be sent back to you.

wait

outside, it is magic hour,

inside, as i sit cross-legged,

amongst others, is pure magic.

i try to quell the questions

racing through my veins,

will you be here, will you?

will you recognize me?

will you raise that eyebrow

and gracefully acknowledge

the momentary loss of speech

and the skipping of a heartbeat,

should we come face to face?

you'd be older now, but

your perfect round bald head

would be illuminated as always

by some inner tubelight.

your eyelashes lowered to ignore

my need to see you in person.

they said you were here now.

would you be here now?

would you be sitting up there

in the front, next to the blue one,

just as i remember, just as before,

hunched over a butter lamp

coaxing the flame to burn brighter.

i should not be thus distracted

i know you would not want

me to be thus distracted

yet how easy it is to be distracted

i gather my wits, force my eyes shut

maybe then the blue one

will remind me why i am sitting here.

that's when your laughter rings

in my head. is this a new game

my blue one has created?

i allow the sweet suffocation

of incense to lure me back to prayer.

three hundred voices

begin to chant, "aummm…!"

i give in. to longing,

to desires, to yearning,

and exhale, "hmmm!"

stone

when cast with intent,
it draws blood, pain, leaves scars -
otherwise harmless.

untitled

an afternoon of laughter
with you and the swing.
i squint my eyes to see yours,
and let go.
the sunlight dappled our faces,
and the wind played with our hair.
you held me then,
and the earth and sky became one.
the season has changed,
and so have your games,
my wild and wilful Blue one.
and i should've known better.
i've chased you through shadows
and through light,
longing for the same explicit afternoon experience.
and heard your laughter
rumble through the clouds.
exhausted by all that running
and all that chasing,
i collapsed on the same summer swing.
only to discover you've been with me all along.

still Blue

my love is like camphor,
no visible flame,
but i burn,
until i am nothing.

Sweet Blue

i am not one for bhajans, but this one made everything else written about the Blue one, sort of...less. here it is, as someone wrote it. hats off!

adharam madhuram, vadanam madhuram,
nayanam madhuram, hasitam madhuram,
hridayam madhuram, gamanam madhuram,
madhuradhipate akilam madhuram.

vachanam madhuram, charitam madhuram,
vasanam madhuram, valitam madhuram,
chalitam madhuram, bhramitam madhuram,
madhuradhipate akilam madhuram.

venu madhuro, renur madhuraha,
panir madhuraha, padau madhuro,
nrityam madhuram, sakhyam madhuram,
madhuradhipate akilam madhuram.


there's more where that came from, but i'm sunk after learning just this much.

yep! there's nobody quite like you, Blue.

summer love

when i fell in love with you
i was younger, prettier and
many pounds lighter.

and you had freckles -
thousands of them, on your face
and arms and back.

i was easier to please, ready to listen,
you had dreams to dream,
and stories to share.

i had eyes only for you,
and you had beautiful green eyes
and sooty, spiky lashes.

i liked the clean woodsy smell of you,
and you liked disappearing into the woods
for many, many days.

i stayed by the sunlit stream,
skipping on the rocks, waiting for you
to emerge from the forest.

and just as easily and surely
as autumn follows summer, i fell,
out of love with you.

dialogue

"am writing a poem to love."
"is there any other kind?"
"well...i could write a piece..."
"piece? as in prose? really?"
"yeah. prose. essay. opinion."
"you joined a workshop?"
"no. do i need one?"
"that's strange. i write prose."
"for a living, yes. i know."
"presumptuous so-and-so."
"now, now. i say it as i see it."
"i've written a prose blog."
"have you written anything lately?"
"no...but i've written reviews."
"reviews? of movies? love stories?"
"no...they were not love stories."
"there you go then, love."
"hmm...a poem about love, then?"
"like i said, is there any other kind?"