Friday, November 01, 2013

Krrish 3 review


Kangna KOs Krrish!

Mini Review:

There’s not a thing that’s original in this movie and you hope there’s a million dollar lawsuit on the horizon, but a star is born, and Kangna trumps Krrish in his own movie.

Main Review:

Imagine watching this movie with Stan Lee, Patrick Stewart, Hugh Jackman, Jennifer Lawrence, Nirupa Roy, Uma Thurman, Robert Pattinson, Chris Nolan, Zack Snyder and Toby Stevens…

Stan Lee: I need to get Amitabh Bachchan to do a voiceover for Chakra.

Patrick Stewart: Modified Neelkamal chair… oooh! Niiice! Me wants one. But the hair, the hair on Vivek Oberoi! I prefer my bald head..

Me: The director is bald too…

Jennifer Lawrence: Shush! Let me watch Kangna. What have they done to her eyes?

Me: It’s an ode to Tezuka, to Manga, but unintentional on their part, I am sure…

Jennifer Lawrence: Oooh! I love her dress, but her hair…

Me: That dress is brilliant. It’s so constricting, not once has she said, ‘Besterd!’

Jennifer Lawrence: I do like Mystique’s blue body tho…

Me: Naah, we Indians have Krishna the Blue God. Krrish is politically correct. See how he gives advice to stupid kids (instead of letting his mother slap him for rescuing pigeons instead of doing math homework, and by the way, who rescues pigeons in this pigeon infested country?)! See how he submits tamely to sponsorship by flying past the brands, getting sacked from jobs at brands, consumes brands… All of which rivals branding references in Viruddh!

Patrick Stewart: Wake up Bob! Isn’t this like your vampire movies?

Robert Pattinson: Yeah. The same Zinc Oxide skin glistening effect. When the fangs materialise, wake me up.

Toby Graves: Yaar! This is very lame! Iceland bio reserves ke stock shots liye!

Me: You are speaking in Hindi!

Toby Graves: I’m speaking in tongues! Why are Krrish and Kangna skiing on the snow when he can fly? Ooh! I Like Kangna…

Stan Lee: Me too! But what is with Maanvar?

Me: Maanav plus Jaanvar equals Maanvar…

Stan Lee: *dies laughing*

We observe one minute silence for that death.

Uma Thurman: He wiggled toes! He wiggled toes! Just like the Bride does In Kill Bill!

Me: Uma! Ms Thurman! Please don’t die! Please!

We observe one minute silence

Nirupa Roy: I could have died too, but this bone marrow transplant has no emotional value like blood transfusion in Amar Akbar Anthony.

Suddenly we are interrupted by a hologram beam where Darth Vader has a message for Krrish fans. (Imagine the characteristic heavy breathing through his mask)

‘Why don’t y’all watch Empire Strikes Back? I get to tell Luke ‘I’m your father’. That’s more impactful than Vivek Oberoi’s ‘You’re my father’, no?’

Before I can gather courage to say that Krrish 3 is a celebration of 100 years of cinema, hence not a single thing is original, Darth Vader signs off. But what’s this?

Chris Nolan has just texted the whole world that he is never again going to make a Dark Knight Rises ever again after seeing the statue unveiled and statue shattered scenes. And the makers accept the resignation because Chris Nolan could never think of having a lip synched crowd song. Hans Zimmer is reported dead after hearing God, Allah Ya Bhagwan song. Chris is dead. Long live the Dark Knight.

I look at Zack Snyder with pride. See how we manages to copy Man Of Steel fight sequence? I am sorry to say that Zack was literally turned to stone (scientific term ‘petrified’) upon watching the biggest waste of CGI in his movie replicated in this movie.

Hugh Jackman has been watching quietly through the two hours and thirty two minutes of Krrish 3. I ask him, ‘Wolverine?’

Hugh Jackman: Why does Krrish hold his breath and shake each time he is on screen? Pardon me, but does he suffer from Parkinson’s?

Me: He’s shaking with anger, Wolverine!

Hugh Jackman looks at his hands. The adamantium claws emerge and he smashes his claws into his own neck.

We observe yet another minute of silence at this death. We mourn the death of originality also. Only the women in this special screening emerge: Jennifer Lawrence, Nirupa Roy, Uma Thurman and yours truly. Yes, Robert Pattinson wakes up too. He’s alive because girls across the world love him and that kept him safe. Like Harry Potter.

Kangna Ranaut deserves the only star we give to this movie. Because of her dress and her restrained acting as Kaya. Happy to report she KOs Krrish in this movie.

(due to technical difficulties on, i'm posting the review here.)


Anonymous said...

In Short Avoid it :)

Anonymous said...

and postcolonial complex prevails