Friday, May 06, 2016

Review: One Night Stand

Jai Maa Sunny Leone!

1/2 star

Mini Review:

Why would you take a perfectly seductive body that sheds clothes so enchantingly and dress it up in mom jeans and sarees and bindis? Then match it up with someone who needs a bath and a haircut and an admission to a rigorous (Navy Seal rigorous) acting school? This whole movie also tries so hard to be feminist too. Everything fails.

Main Review:

If everything fails in the movie, why the half star? 

It's for Sunny Leone's ability to make a perfectly godawful line of dialog, 'Meri family hamesha first rakhtee hoon' sound like an lispy orgasm   

He seduces her for just one night in Phuket ('Phuket mein fuck it' is the priceless dialog), and becomes obsessed with her. Then promptly finds out that she lives in the same city when he goes shopping with his wife...She's married too, and has a lovely family. And her name is not what she said it was. So many lies! How dare she! He's mad. He begins to stalk her because she says, 'Cha-h-le-h jaa-oh! Ye-h tum kyon-h kar-ah rah-he ho-oh?'

While we are trying to get over the delivery, we begin to laugh at the stalker. The Virvani lad has appeared on the big screen before. If he was forgettable then, he's awful now. He has fewer expressions than John Abraham. And John is so-oh good looking. The chap gets uglier and uglier as a drunk person, and you hope he were the donor of the heart in Traffic the film releasing on the same day as well.

I know I shouldn't say it, but adding pretentious poetic dialog in a movie: Kya tum hamesha se itni romantic thee? Woh door par dekho, samundar aur aakaash mil gaye hain and its ilk is like spraying poop with gold glitter hoping no one would notice it is really vile. 

Yes, yes, there's a feminist agenda. Why are women not expected to enjoy a one night stand? But when the dialog is so breathy and pretentious, you end up laughing instead of turning into a cheering squad for Sunny Mata.

There's this neglected wife who bakes furiously because her husband seems distant and drunk and not ready to make out with her. She is such a tedious character you understand why the husband would wander. Unfortunately you kow you'd be clobbered for saying that, so you turn your attention to the annoying child who baby talks. No wonder she got out of the house and into the arms of a stranger, you think. You realise how politically incorrect that thought is and let it go. You want to pat the hairy backs of creepy producers who understood that Sunny Mata is not the avatar you need to see, it's Sunny Doll Yeh Soney Di!

You step out into the blazing sun and ask the boyfriend on the phone, 'Are-ah we-ah meeting-ah tonight-ah!' and hear him gasp at the other end, 'Are you having an asthmatic attack?'

Sunny should do what Sunny knows best. Shed clothes. Discard all desires of being Nirupa Roy...

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