Friday, April 29, 2016


Candy Crush Is Real

1 star

Mini Review:

This is the ultimate American dysfunctional suburbian story! There are as many people as there are candies in the game and as many problems crushing them. And the colors! Oh mah lord! So bright and cheerful you want to wear dark glasses just to shield your eyes from the screen. 

Main Review:

Despite the impressive star cast - Julia Roberts, Jennifer Aniston, Timothy Olyphant, Kate Hudson, Sarah Chalke, Margo Martindale, Hector Elizondo (remember the suave manager in Pretty Woman?), Robert Pine - this movie is such a tasteless candy crush you wonder why they wanted to be a part of this film at all.

So each of these stars plays the role of a dysfunctional person: a mother of two who is stuck on her ex who has married a younger woman who wears skimpy clothes, a lesbian woman who has not told her parents about her sexual orientation, a woman who has married an Indian doctor and has a child has not informed her parents about it, quintessential 'white' parents who drive around in an RV quaffing beer and fried chicken who are bigoted and racist, a man who ignores his teenage daughters because he's still mourning his dead wife, the teenage girls who miss their dead mother, neighbor hood gym-going ladies who want to fix the mourning dad with one girl or another, a young woman who has abandonment and commitment issues which stops her from marrying a perfectly good lad, a woman who has forfeited her life for her career and more... 

With so many cliches intercutting and looping without any solutions (erm, the audience has seen the solutions to these problems a mile away) you barely get any time to like a single character. You do, however want to ask Jennifer Aniston why she chose to be dressed like a frump, be a mom who will comment on doughnuts in the house? Why does she want to get back together with an ex who clearly is not interested in her? You want to ask Kate Hudson why she needed to lie to her parents in the first place even though she knows they are racist? You want to ask Jason Sudeikis why he let someone get him to wear pink pants?

The movie goes on and on and everyone's problems are resolved. But you come away with a question for the filmmakers: who says 'I have abandonment issues.' in a dialog?

Abandon this film and let it appear on cable. Even then watch it because I gave Julia Robert's legs the lone star for this movie.

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