Friday, February 26, 2016


CGI: 10. Gerard Butler: 0

1/2 star

Mini Review: 

If the Gods of Egypt were real, they'd object to such a stupid idea behind the movie. It has superb special effects, but an inexcusable story that has been written by people who thought this was a video game. Even video games are smarter than this drivel dressed up in glitter...

Main Review:

Idiotic to think giant sized Gods choose to live among their creation - men. They can change their form and they choose to, 'Whoooosh!' grow wings. They don't build buildings to honor Sun god Ra or simply to live. They have an architect Urshu, who employ slaves to build stuff. Or is that they only make dust pyramids that they trust all the building to mortals?

So Osiris (am so sure he was wearing glasses) is all set to give up his throne to his silly, bratty son Horus (Jamie Lannister from the TV show Game Of Thrones) who seems to not really deserve the honor or care. But he bathes for it (and it's weird to see how small the 'mortals' really are) and you begin to roll your eyes.

Of course the bad guy shows up. Set (Gerard Butler in a weird Predator like costume), the god of Darkness who lives in the desert (weird, even creators of Hindu mythology got it right, bad guys live in Pataal or Narak. Desert?) and kills everyone who doesn't want to be enslaved by him (even the gods!) and blinds Horus...

Am I giving away the plot? 

Let me stop laughing before I continue. 

Bek a mortal, is a thief, who is at the crowning ceremony with his girlfriend, who is enslaved by the architect in the ensuing chaos. The thief rescues her but she gets shot by the boss (remember Obergruppenfuhrer John Smith from the TV show Man In The High Castle?) And now the thief needs Horus's help in bringing her back from the land of the dead. The thief has entered Set's treasury and stolen Horus's eye because he wishes to save his girl from slavery. Now he uses the eye to bribe Horus into getting his girl back.

Set realises his treasury has been burgled and sends creepy bull and goat monsters to get the thief back. Realises that Horus is with the 'mortal'. Yells and kills the bull monster. You are wondering why he sent these monsters when he's an all powerful god? 

Anyway, Horus and Bek set out on a journey to bring the girlfriend back. This is where we stop rolling our eyes and watch awesome CGI magic. This is also where we shake our heads sadly because it is like some primitive video game.

Level One: Ruins of Osiris's garden where snake monsters have to be fought, Horus learns lesson about humanity (sometimes it is smarter to run!)... Bonus point? Horus's girlfriend Goddess of Love joins the quest

Level Two: Knee deep river waters... Nothing happens in the waters (or does it? Who cares!), but they have to reach Toth, the God of Wisdom, who needs to join the journey so that he can help solve the riddle of the sphinx...

Level Three and Four: Baddies sent by Seth attempt to stop the little group. They are beautiful settings.

Level Five (or was it level 2?): Horus goes to his grandfather's boat in the sky and takes the waters of creation. Drops of these could shut Set's gigantic burning hole to the centre of the Earth and Set would lose his power. 

The story becomes so implausible, you don't care any more. Of course nothing goes to plan, Set breaks the little vial of celestial waters, kills old man Ra (Geoffrey Rush!) and plunges the world into darkness. 

You realise that it doesn't matter at all. Whether Bek and Horus will save the world or Set will continue to talk like someone cleaned his throat with sandpaper and that he's never heard of Strepsils. You are weary of sudden swoosh of wings, and gold being spilled. You just want Hindu gods show up with their multitasking hands and finish the job. 

Why Hollywood picks Gerard Butler is a mystery even Mr.Holmes will not ever solve.   



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