Friday, January 24, 2014


not seeing stars, but
putting one bullet in my brain 
to escape moralizing

Abbatoir Ho!

Mini Review:

In the beginning, Bhai’s intense stare stops three cars. His shirt comes off at the end as planned. In between there is slaughterhouse of storytelling.

Main Review:

‘Arre! yeh toh woh hai… Whatshisname...’
‘I remember seeing that whatshername in that movie...’
‘Oh! This one’s here too?’
‘Haw! And this one? Wasn’t he on TV?’
‘And why is she here?’

You’d need to watch this movie with a wiki cast list because anybody who is a nobody in the movies has a role in this movie, except for the beautiful Genelia who literally has no hands and she goes to the same school where Salman’s obnoxious nephew studies. She is his history teacher but is taking an exam. ‘Hain?’ Your confused brain asks in an Amitabh Bachchan baritone.

There is no answer because the script has no legs to stand on. There are however, many disabled kids shown on wheelchairs, and a mention of how Bhai has donated his eyes and you keep hoping these guys show up at the door ( )

What is awesome about Jai Ho is its complete lack of embarrassment about everything. It’s not like Besharam where there was massive error in judgement, here there are dvds of Stalin and Pay It Forward to fall back on. This movie banks on the Salman Khan craze, and treats him like a performing monkey. I love how he carries his 'bad boy who's really a good boy' thing in Wanted and also in Dabangg. But here, he's just awkward, dancing to inane songs, being the 'reaction guy to the smartass lines his precocious nephew spouts (the beautiful Tabu and the decent Mahesh Thakur produced this mannerless thing?). There are no memorable 'ek baar commitment kar dee' type dialog to take home.

There is however, a brilliant, simply brilliant moment when the annoying nephew sings a tune: pink panther song because he knows the heroine has a penchant for pink panties. It is explained, because the daft heroine doesn't know the tune. I wish they'd just let that tune play each time she showed up on screen... It would have been more fun than the gaandi gujju woman gig...

I found myself missing Sonakshi Sinha and muttering 'Iske dance se dar lagta hai, sahab' each time this heroine burst into a desperate dance at the most inopportune moments. At least Katrina Kaif had a reason to burst into the liquid electricity thing in Dhoom 3. 

Salman's fans want to see him fight. And dance. And the audience wants to go home with their Ray Bans stuck on their collars. There are fights, but we don't know why the goons hate him (he was as stuck in the traffic and didn't really do anything to piss the baddies), or why... 'Hain? Logic toh kabka mar chuka hai,' Amitabh Bachchan's Bade Miyaan voice tells me again...

Oh, I do wish to explain why I say (right on top of this reveiw) that I ought to be seeing stars and why I put a bullet through my brain:

It must have been a great idea from a poor misguided PR person when he said in the script translating committee that Salman's bad boy image needs a makeover because in reality he does charity. Yes, he does, really. 

In reality he's all about 'neki kar, dariya mein daal'. In the movie, it becomes 'thank you mat bol, good deeds multiply kar'. But it is not said once, not twice, it is repeated by as many times as there are stupid goons of Danny Denzongpa's fighting 80s who come at Salman to get slammed. 

I'd rather be pounded into the ground by Salman than take the awful moralizing of 'do something good for three people'. 

Do something good yourself. If you see really love Salman, and insist on watching this movie (and most people will, despite the reviews), tell three people not to. This way some screen somewhere will be free to show a smaller, more meaningful movie made by someone you don't know.

Sheesh, this moral science thing is as infectious as it is tedious. I will just go watch Itchy and Scratchy kill each other.

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