Friday, March 11, 2016


Slooww Brroody Nonnssensse

Not even worth stardust

Mini Review:

Only Himesh Reshammiya can walk in sloow mottion in reaal timme. He is an assassin who doess noot moove a musscle. This whhole moovie is so baad, eeven still shhots plaayed at filmm speedd will give us morre aaction. Whhy did Naseeruddin Shah, Kabir Bedi, Shekhar Kapur stoop soo loww?

Main Review:

Land mines buried in Earth have more acting talent than the entire cast of this ridiculousness.

One can actually picture how these actors prepped for the movie:

Naseeruddin Shah: Do you know who I am? I will not move an inch. I will deliver your insane dialog sitting in one place.

Kabir Bedi: I will be head of police, but will not wear Khaki. It's not my color.

Shekhar Kapur: I want to travel foreign country, and I'm claustrophobic so I don't want to be shown sitting in a diplomatic office. It's okay to show me walking about beside trams.

Monica Dogra: If I have to call anyone 'My almost ex husband' then you'd better show me as skilled labor in foreign country. And I want a good hair person.

Vague Heroine: If I have to walk about showing my midriff in every frame in a country where everyone is trussed up in woollens, then take me foreign with castles. (She says this in sign language because the audience does not know if she can speak anything other than: I don't want to talk about it.) 

(Director's note: No emoting is required, madam, just hide your face in Himeshbhai's manboobs, or attempt to look far away when I say, 'Meena Kumari!')

Shernaz Patel: Can I simply hold my head with my hands and cry? Also I want breakfast.

Himesh Reshammiya, Hero: I'mm brrooody, duudess. Bass, I will lookk deepp intoo cameraa. Yahii meraa magiic haii. Pluuss Gyym memmbbership liyaa hai toh boddy diikhhanna paddegga.

(Director's note: I will use so many cuts, so many flashlights you just raise gun sideways and ek hee saath, eight people can be killed. The dying people will be reaction shots in slow motion. Flmfare bas mera hai, this year!)

Villain: Please, please, please can I do, 'Ataa Majhi Satakli?' Please, please? 

(Director's note: Isko kidhar se laaya be? ok.)

Himesh Reshammiya, Music Director: People still love my songs. Remix. I'm superhit.

White Foreigners in the film: Tsk, Tsk.

Indians in Dublin: Paagal hai kya? Hum ghar par hee theek.

Dialog writer: If you don't take me to foreign, then I'm giving you only three pieces.

(Director's note: Yes bhaisaab! We will make you famous by putting them in trailer)

Dialog writer: Please add scene where Himeshbhai shows how Azamgarh ka tamancha is better than U2 ki Guns and Roses.

(Director's note: You mean Clint Eastwood ki Magnum! And no, we cannot call this movie Guns 'N' Roses. If we do, Slashbhai has promised to start rumor that he's dead)

The only thing that keeps you awake in the movie is Himesh Reshammiya's music. It's remixed, but still original. 

The rest is like I said, makes stepping on land mines a better proposition.

p.s. The story? Himeshbhai is a broody assassin who makes out with exotic dancer, confesses to his wife to be. Wife to be is pissed off and books her tickets to Ireland to be with her Facebook friend. Sauce for goose is sauce for gander, no? In Ireland she lands and cops find drugs on her, jail her. Nobody believes she was carrying books for her facebook friend, who never meets her. Himeshbhai goes on rescue mission. His help? Naseeruddin Shah who chooses to live in a jail and run his 'how to escape from jails' business. Himesh follows advice, writes 'cut wrist' on his baniyan and shows cleavage to his girl in jail. Girl escapes with Himeshbhai. We see picturesque Ireland. But after reaching coast, Himeshbhai tells girl, you go alone. I'm going to kill the guy who did this to you (HOLE in PLOT: How does Himeshbhai know Facebook Frand is in Dublin only?) Anyway, he finds villain, plays Russian Roulette and kills baddie by cheating. Both return home. Himeshbhai is free to brood again.  

p.s. prediction: 'Cut Wrist' baniyaans are going to shake up e-commerce in India.


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