This Love Charger Will
Drain Your Batteries!
Rating: (Really, now!)
For 197 minutes, you'll gawp at his clothes and his shoes, and groan at his 'miracles' and songs, then emerge from theater with all your batteries drained.
Buxom lass rips vest open and says, 'See!'
Oh Yes! We see! You want too laugh, but your laughter is strangled by the next dialog: 'Main Tayrrorist Hoon, Pitaji!'
That's when you notice the green and red plastic thingys connected to wires on the vest. Pitaji is a sant. So he hasn't noticed anything else except the vest.
You imagine Shah Rukh and Karan Johar in the audience saying, 'Dekha! Khan is not the terrorist, Muskaan is!'
All kinds of terror is wreaked upon the audience in the film. Unless you are drunk or tripping on what MSG would call, 'Galt' substances.
Pitaji as the Sant Gurmeet Ram Rahim Singh Insaan is called in the movie, converts alcoholics and drug addicts to respectable citizens with a rap song.
They then agree to marry ex-prostitutes now called Shubh Devis (whom Pitaji has saved from goons and brothel owner).
There are people donating blood, donating food, donating their time planting trees for him.
Pitaji is so good, he saves eunuchs and gives them the 'Third Gender' status just by writing to the government.
Pitaji saves visitor Alice (pronounced 'A-liss') from a hissing cobra who gushes around Pitaji, 'Aapko jab bhi dekhti hoon main pyaar karti hoon'. But she's not the only one. Pitaji has two betis who say they always 'masti karte hain' with Pitaji. Before you facepalm, they are distracted by A-liss who now begins shooting a documentary (sometimes with a still camera, sometimes on video) of Pitaji.
Seeing this, people dance and Pitaji sings a song.
Pitaji even cleans up Delhi and wants to clean the Yamuna. Pitaji even puts his finger down a farmer's throat so he can spew out the 'spray' he drank to kill himself. Pitaji makes water appear in dry wells (Ajit Pawar cannot repeat his famous comment in Sirsa).
Pitaji spots gunman in a blind man's dark glasses, and shoots his hand without turning around. People dance and Pitaji sings a song.
Pitaji reluctantly agrees for a security cover because the politician politely requests him to. Pitaji makes tea for the neta and takes award winning pictures of eagles in flight and paints fabulous canvases while wearing poster red three fourth tights. Die JMW Turner, die!
Pitaji invents a new Game called Gul-stick, which looks and acts like Gulli-danda but borrows from Baseball and Cricket. (We want to know more, but Pitaji hits the heck out of the same baddie who tried to shoot him). This poor man's Vin Diesel - as a fellow critic christened him - gets shot, beaten, his limbs, spine fractured, but is never out. He survives on parathas at the villain's house. The villain is a local politician called Chillum something who hates the fact that people are clapping their hands and Pitaji is singing a song.
But Pitaji is more interesting. He drives the coolest cars, and his harmonica is so lethal, bad guys are decimated by the sound.
Pitaji encourages girls to take self defence lessons. Pitaji knows the world is a bad place despite his five crore followers.
Pitaji encourages people to chant a mantra that defeats a baddie who has a gas spewing snitch from Harry Potter movies. This is after he has sung a song.
Pitaji has the funnest blue gleam that makes bikes fall into holes. Pitaji waves his hands and electrifies the gates of his ashram to prevent baddies from entering the premises. Of course Pitaji beats up all the baddies by freezing them and thawing them one by one.
People chant his name and Pitaji bursts into another song. Pitaji makes a magic potion that de-addicts people. That's why Pitaji has Five Crore followers. (They say the number so many times, I thought you should hear it from me as well, so you would empathise with me).
Oh yes, his followers chant his mantra and Pitaji, overwhelmed with emotion, sings a song.
Then we come back to the buxom lass who has just confessed to Pitaji that she's wearing a bomb, and Pitaji spends the next half hour asking his five crore followers if he has done anything galt by stopping alochol and drugs and dolphins and prostitutes and bad guys and made people donate blood and food and plant trees and invent gul stick, and ride cool vehicles and wear bling clothes, and make magic potion and the five crore people (and us in the audience) chant his name. But this time he doesn't sing. He flies with the unstoppable bomb vest and his five crore followers are relieved that unlike Batman, he lands safely on his two bling feet.
This melts the hearts of all the baddies and they chant his name. But Pitaji just raises his palm like a hairy laxmi and rays of blessings shower down on everyone.
We are too dazed to ask if the Don of all Sydney baddies was converted too, but maybe that's in the next movie.
So is this really a movie? I don't know. All I know that the vest scene will stop Ridley Scott, Kathryn Bigelow, Clint Eastwood from making movies with bombs in 'em.
Harley Davidson might have to manufacture motorbikes that self immolate especially for Pitaji's rich followers.
We will see Salman bracelets and MSG bracelets compete for sales in Sirsa.
Rohit Shetty will refrain from making cars explode and fly.
Sonam Kapoor will be replaced as fashion icon by Pitaji and will be endorsed by 5 crore followers.
Drag queens all over the world will lay low on the bling should they see this movie.
Imelda Marcos will never appear in public again because Pitaji beats her hollow in his choice and number of shoes.
And you will all want to hug Leela Samson and company when you hear Pitaji raise his hairy arms and ask you to join Dera Saccha Sauda because he will never ever leave you. You too will think that this is a conversion video.
A Rockstar is born with this . You might want to hit yourself with a rock for choosing to see this movie until you see stars.