Friday, February 06, 2015


What on Earth?!

1 star

Mini Review:

The biggest crime in a Sci-fi movie is to have not enough fiction. And when too many characters vie for your attention, you just shrug your shoulders and enjoy its compounding stupidities...

Main Review:

There are three siblings of an alien humanoid race who are fighting to inherit Earth. They want to harvest people and convert the DNA into some eternal youth potion.

It's a good enough story. You imagine sentinels like in The Matrix, searching out humans for harvesting, you imagine some inter-galactic peace keeping force keeping an eye on the immortal family, you imagine more magic from someone who is queen of the planet...

But there are no dna-sucking devices, just a hugely annoying pointy-eared Channing Tatum whose speech seems to be impaired by the vampire teeth he has been given. Or is it Lycan? Don't care. The pointy ears, were so annoying, I spent the time wishing for Raju Hirani's PK to show up and claim kinship with Mr Tatum.

Now the three humanoid siblings are odd in their own way too. The female with wrinkles bathes in human dna (looks sadly like water) and emerges younger. One brother seems ageless and has paid mercenaries to bring the 'queen of Earth' so he can marry her to steal her planet. This sounds so Bollywood villain like, you wonder if Hollywood directors are ducking into Indian grocery stores and renting VHS tapes of old movies. The third brother (Eddie Redmayne) has many scary minions that are reptilian monsters with wings. He speaks as though his mouth is full, but can be forgiven because he sits so stylishly on a floating sofa...

Mila Kunis is Jupiter Jones (sounds more like an Avenger than anything else) and wanders about in strange clothes and an expression that is can only be described as if she had feasted on magic mushrooms and was unable to figure out if she were really sitting on a live wire that was giving her a 12 volt shock or not.

She's made to do physical stunts without losing that slightly electrocuted expression, and that itself must count as some sort of achievement.

This special effects are good but the sad lack of a story does not help this movie. And yes, a sad, sad waste of Sean Bean...

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