Friday, November 18, 2016

Review: TUM BIN 2

Will Cure Anyone Who Says They're In Love.

1.5 stars

Mini Review:  

Girl loves Boy1. Boy1 loves Girl. They sing love song on Scottish Mountains. Boy1 goes skiing, presumed dead in an accident. Girl cries on Papaji's shoulder (everyone calls him 'papaji' and he sounds like a universal daddy, but is Boy1's dad). Boy2 shows up and Girl and everyone falls for Boy2. Boy2 and Girl sing many love songs. Then to create confusion, Boy1 returns alive and well. Who does she choose? You wish they were all dead. The movie is that terrible. You listen to songs on your phone.

Main Review: 


(They shouldn't have mangled love into this silly putty mess.)
Boy1 is gareebon ka Siddarth Malhotra with a Shah Rukh hangover. Looks like lads working out in your neighborhood gym and gets that mildly electrocuted anti gravity hair from the same neighborhood salon where famous producer was once seen... Oh yes, he has those bee-stung lips which does look nice on some creatures, but here, it looks like a swarm of bees had a go at his lips. 

Thankfully he has a skiing accident and is off the screen after one love song with Girl.

The Girl cannot act to save her life. Her kissy face is the same as looking at lasagna face is the same as missing Boy1 face is the same as confessing to loving Boy2 in a Gurudwara. She bicycles furiously on a bike that seems to be pulled by invisible strings and moves slower than it should. Like a wit in the theatre said: Her bicycle chain seems to have come off! 

She lives in Edinburgh, but dresses as though she's in sunny California. And junta on the street are dressed to the gills in warm clothing. We know Chiffon Sarees In The Snow is a Hindi film trope, but those scanty baby doll dresses are very cold inducing. Speaking of cold, each time she's talking to Boy2, it seems to be snowing outside. But when they step out, there's sunshine! Magic weather!

Talking of Boy2, he's again a clone of the gym lads looks wise. But the moment he opens his mouth, oh dear Lord, he sounds like a book of motivational quotes where each quote ends with an ellipse. 'Har lamha aise jiyo jaise bas woh lamha hee poori zindagi ho...', 'Shayad jo khushi tum dhoond rahi ho woh is lamp post par lean karne se mil jaaye, ya phir mujh mein dikh jaaye, tum dhoondti raho,,,', 'Life ne mujh se jo cheen liya main sochta hoon ki mera saath us cheez ke saath bas utna hee thaa...'

The Girl falls for such homilies, but he gets to kiss her only after dragging her to the edge of a cliff and  jumping into the cold Scottish sea. I visualised hypothermia and some whiskey to revive them, and songs a la roop tera mastana around a fire... But no! he gets to kiss her instead of getting slapped.

Then Boy1 shows up nursed to health by French nuns in Scottish mountains. Don't ask. But I did wonder about kilts and big Scottish men... No luck.  

The Girl confesses of her love for Boy2 to Boy1. he accepts that fact. But Boy2 cannot understand why Girl can choose him, so tells Girl, you must love Boy1. Each one wanting to palm off the Girl to each other pissed off those of us in the theater, and makes Girl teary eyed. But she asks: Who are you guys to decide whom I should love. I almost stood up and clapped. But her kissy face put me off. 

Manoj Muntashir's beautiful lyrics have been sung rather nicely. But songs cannot save the pathetic film. Sangam (Raj Kapoor, Rajendra Kumar and Vyjayantimala) and Saajan (Salman Khan, Sanjay Dutt and Madhuri Dixit) too had wonderful songs, but they also had actors who could carry a role.

The only other wonderful part of the movie is Kanwaljit who plays Papaji who mouths dialog like, 'Har zindagi ke apne apne dukh hote hain, ' and managed to make me sob into my cappucino. And also the two sisters Gurpreet and Manpreet and their suitors, and the Pakistani tehzeeb wala dialog wali mom are all amazing roles. The family scenes look real and feel real. But then they want to make a love story.

We laughed so much at that love, it made me puke into my neighbor's popcorn. It would have been a better movie had the two lads flew away into the sunset and their plane was blown up by some random violent terrorist (brother to the random dholi bajane wali Jasleen). 

This movie has cured me of 'love'. And the six couples who showed up to neck during the screening looked so shell-shocked when the lights came on, I felt bad for them. Not.




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