Friday, November 27, 2015


Wake Up, Ved!

1 and 1/2 star

Mini Review: 

Such a pity Bollywood directors think Ranbir Kapoor will continue playing the confused young man looking to not grow up and beautiful women like Konkona and Deepika will continue pining for them... It's a mess, and not even cute any more. Wake up, Ved! The story (and Ranbir) are way past their 'awww, cute!' date...

Main Review: 

Given that the 9am show was full of chirpy co-eds who screamed when Ranbir showed up on screen, I am compelled to write the review with their help... Anything else would sound like 'Aunty Pulis bula legi!'

Ranbir (dressed in camel colored pants and a ghastly denim back, nylon front four color jacket from the 'before' part of his ad for ask me bazaar) says, 'Main Don hoon!'

Co-eds: Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! Chal selfie le le quick with screen! So cute!

(They do!)

Me: Oh mah gawd! Those dimples on Deepika's face... cuter than the cinematography that will NEVER ever make it to the Corsica tourism brochure. My sister makes Dosa pictures look more appetizing on instagram...

co-eds: Awwwwwwwwwwwwwww! He is playing football with local kids.

me: Haircut lete wakt aadha chhod ke bhaaga tha kya?

Co-ed: How cute he looks na when he sleeps?

me: wait a minute! Football ke pehle there was a bed on the floor, and now he's on...

Co-ed: ooooooh! They're kissing... He's soooooo cute!

me: She pre-poned the ticked? Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha! My inner Ajit says, 'Smart Girl!'

But then it goes downhill from there. The Co-eds become busy posting Instagram pictures of the Mediterranean Sandwiches they ordered at PVR, and I have looked and looked at the coffee hard fantasizing about it being a dirty martini being served to James Bond in the next theater...

EEEEEK! one co-ed shrieks!  My daddy found a Product Manager for me on Shaadi dot com and I said no! Ranbir is Product Manager....

'Oohhhh! Why you said no?' another co-ed!

'Don't worry! Just text your dad, and say yes! It might be Ranbir only naaaaa!' another co-ed!

I so want to turn into Raavan that Ranbir sees in his nightmares and want scare these co-eds. But they're keeping me glued.

Deepika dumps him again! I actually stand up and clap hard... but she's so exquisite when she's crying, I sigh into my sixth coffee.

Jobless Ranbir in the meanwhile finds junta to preach to late at night.

Co-ed: Awwwwwwwww! He's a poet only! I went to an Open Mic poetry event and saw this dreamy guy talk about his lost love too...

I hide deep into my chair, hoping she never identifies me as the host of one such open mic at the Prithvi theater... 

Awwwwwwwwwwww Ranbeeeeeeeer so chikna no without his beard! But so saaaad he looks! 

The co-eds are awake again...

I'm just thinking of what moisturizers to recommend for his well-scrubbed face.

'Hai! My dad texted back! I'll meet the product manager at starbucks this evening!'

'Wear something hot!' the other co-ed chirps.

'I look hot in anything! But loooook! Ranbir is running like Barfi all over Shimla again!'

'You better say no to product manager, and we'll find some cool theater director with long hair at Prithvi. We'll hang out there later!'

'Yaaaaa! Because Ranbir is now Theater Director!'

I facepalm so hard, I know there are ungliyon ke nishaan on my face!

Deepika in the meanwhile remains gorgeous and smart as a tack because she is now Mata Hari, with lots of Chinese torture methods up her sleeves

Jeejus! Hasn't this movie been one of those tortures?

P.S. The girls looooooved Ranbir Kapoor. They were sure if they could get him, they would change him. The lads in the theater shuffled out, knowing Deepika just had to shake her finger in a 'no' if they even thought about approaching her...

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