Thursday, November 12, 2015

Review: Prem Ratan Dhan Payo


2 stars

Mini Review:

What could have been a 1 and a 1/2 hour decent movie, has been stretched beyond belief for 174 minutes with 12 most godawful songs, and the word 'Royal' attached to everything including horrid brand endorsements. A Royal Pain in the you know what!

Main Review:

Rajshri does not let you forget, not even for a minute that everything about this movie is 'Royal' (Except when Salman Khan makes an entry wearing Royal Blue kurta)

The palace is royal, the school is royal, the scissors are royal, so are the shoes, and the study, and the servants and the clothes and the dining hall... 

If that is not enough, there are rajkumaris and diwan saabs and head of security (who is sent to buy fruit in the local market), also there is a royal carriage (jisme bachpan khila tha!),

Oh is that more than three sentences? Then let me sing you a trite song, which might be about something completely inane: the Tulsi found her Raam, and now let me sing a song because her dupatta is green...

So the pauper helps royal family by pretending he is prince...Oh damn! Am I giving away plot? Let me numb your senses with a song: Prem se sabkuch bhoologe, jo bhi Salman karta hai woh cute lagta hai kyonki her dupatta is sky blue!

Salman Khan looks gorgeous in a black shirt.
Salman Khan looks so gorgeous in a transparent black shirt.
Salman Khan is stupid in love with a princess...

Oooh! Did you say, 'in love'?'

Time for a song, 'Jo humse takraayega... choor choor ho jaayega!' 

Halt! Achtung! This is not a love song! 

Rajshri doesn't care! It sounds royally royal. You know, sword fights and all...

Oh and a good time to introduce Jaani Dushman-Ek Anokhi Royal Prem Katha. It would have been fun to see Icchadhari Naag appear. After all, there is room for wicked snake making chhote rajkumar behave badly (Remember Puli? Bad guy makes Sridevi behave badly!)

Wasted opportunity there, because we don't really know why Jaani Dushman wants to hilao the Royal Family ki neev! 

But Family is watching, so we just allow Royal Villain to be just that.

Oh! Time for a song. 'Royal time aayo! Royal alarm baajyo! Royal mara mari roko because her dupatta is orange!'

Sonam Kapoor looks really nice playing dress-up a la Maharani Gayatri Devi, a pretty picture when seducing Salman with a song: 'Flowers are falling, in the bower, put your royal arms around my royal waist, right now!'

And the audience wants to run over the swords the brothers were using to show us royal timepass. 

Brand endorsements are rampant with Haldiram, Gowardhan Ghee, PN Gadgil Jewelers, brand emblazoned on cooking range, cars... Royal puke!

Oooh! By the time Swara Bhaskar is out of her Royal Koap Bhawan, there have been two more songs and flashbacks about how Sheesh Mahal is a place of flashbacks for the grown up royals.

Boss, No wonder Neil Nitin Mukesh is sodden drunk in that Sheesh Mahal. 

Speaking of which, they missed an Enter The Dragon type royal homily: Destroy the image and you will break the enemy, and a fight with Icchadhari Naag. Imagine shirtless Salman being scratched by Jaani Dushman's snakey claw...

What a cool fight it would have been!

All you know that nobody in the royal family called the royal carpenter and fixed the damned ledge of the royal glass palace...

I kept having flashbacks from The King And I and I happily imagined Salman Khan do a Yul Brynner, 'Etcetera, etcetera...'

Alas. Rajshri is yet to get out of Hum Saath Saath Hain mode. Nothing wrong with that. Except, this time it was Hum Royals Songs Ke Saath Saath Hain!

The story is not new, but it could have been told in say 120 minutes. The songs screw your happiness, but the lead pair is cute enough for you to gush and sigh.

Wait! Did I like the movie? Let me sing a song first: Prem is too sexy for his shirt, too sexy for his shirt, so sexy it hurts... (And these lyrics are 100% superior to what we heard!)

What was the question? Fuhgeddaboutit. After 174 minutes, your arse is so set in the chairs and your senses so numb they send in ushers with cattleprods to help you up. You scramble for the exits before one more song assaults the credits...

P.S: There's a bhai dooj scene when two royal sisters accept Salman as royal Bhai, "Hame apni behen maan bhi lo ab!" Suddenly royal Neil Nitin Mukesh steps forward with a dialog, 'Aur main bhi...' Before I clutched my heart and collapsed, anticipating a strange politically incorrect confession, he added, 'Bhai samajh lo!' Phew!


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