Friday, June 26, 2015

Review: Insidious Chapter 3

Standard issue horror, you could watch it with your whole family!

2 Shivering Stars

Mini Review:

There are moments of true fright, and others so contrived your grandma's snores are scarier. But you've loved the two other Insidious movies, so you sit through the tedious parts and allow yourself the luxury of a few jolts. Plus Dermot Mulroney is hawt, hawt, hawt.

Main Review:

Have you counted your family members before you enter the theater? Who knows, someone might get dragged into the shadows...

With great anticipation Bhaiyya, Bhabi, Grandma, Pops, Mom, the twins Bunty and Babli, Unc and Aunty are all seated, armed to the gills with popcorn and sodas and I turn the confusion during seating to my advantage to eye the lads who have shown up to watch the horror film of the year with their overworked upper bodies and skinny legs in even skinnier jeans. I know Dermot Mulroney is in the movie so there's plenty of hawtness expected.

When you hear Elsie say, 'When you call out to one of the dead, they can all hear you.' You give your full attention to the screen and forget to count how many times the silly teenager on screen disobeys that good advice. Dad doesn't, because he mutters,'You never listened too!'

The scares are too slow in coming and the almost spooky encounters are such a sham you want to slap someone. Creaking doors, things moved around, characters stepping on dangerous looking things and nothing happens... all tricks you have seen in scary movies. The only people who look like they're enjoying this are Bhaiyya and Bhabi (they don't get out much, so bhabi is making the most of 'let's clutch the guy to show how ladylike we are' trope). It's ruined by grandma though. Because grandma - who fancies herself in Elsie's role - is snoring. Her snores are so scary, the annoying ushers who have started this 'at your seat' service of food spills an entire tray.

I'm happy to be jolted in fright in a couple of scenes. Truly scary scenes these by the elevator and one of the victims of the Darth Vader spook. Darth Vader? When the movie does not root you to the seat with sheer horror, then your brain starts offering silly allusions. The scary guy breathes like Vader and I realised mom was breathing like him every time they showed his footprints all over the house. Imagine cleaning that mess!

Thankfully, I could ignore them all and stare at Dermot Mulroney. What a hawt dad he makes. A couple of times you just wish he had taken his shirt off just so the movie would earn an extra star. But no. So you make little notes about which character is going to be bumped off next. The fun is in seeing how. When that doesn't happen, you begin to groan because now a character who seems to be taken straight from Harry Potter comes to rescue the stupid teen.

It's a decent scare fest. The trouble is that Elsie is too chirpy after meeting her mentor. She becomes haha-funny with her new found bravado and I wished the scary guy put those footprints on her face. This is as standard issue scare-fest as can get. But it's raining outside, so might as well see the film and come out happy.

P.S. The buffed up lads watching the film predictably were ribbing each other loudly after the movie: 'You peed in your pants, bro!' 'No, you did! I dropped coffee!' 'You were scared!' 'Not me! I'm cool!'


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