review: UGLY

Ugly at heart


4 stars


Mini Review:

Only Anurag Kashyap can show us that the milk of human kindness has long dried up. This film will shake you up, creep you out, and disturb your beliefs social niceties.


Main Review:

There are movies like 'It's a wonderful life' and then there are movies like Ugly. It's weird how Anurag Kashyap's movie about the seamier side of humanity releases when the social media is overrun with Secret Santa, Season Of Giving, Holiday Cheer, NORAD tracks Santa, and other emoticon riddled 'events'. 

The last time I was disturbed by unexplained evil was a movie called The Grey, where a pack of wolves systematically track and tear apart people trekking through the snow. Not even Liam Neeson is spared. The evil in the eyes of those wolves may not be seen in the eyes of the characters in Ugly, but you know it is present, because you are afraid to see who is sitting behind you in the theater.

Even in The Grey, you know that the people are good and the animals are evil. Anurag Kashyap simply deletes the people, and shows us wolves. They skulk in the wings, hide behind their uniforms or stereotypes, they stalk, and then they jump at you, bared fangs, fur and claws.

Every character is fleshed out that way. The evil in some is hidden and it surfaces when you least expect it. Watch out for a dialog that simply states, '65 lakhs'. Anurag Kashyap manages to bomb this Bollywood bastion called 'Maa' forever.

The cop Jadhav (played by Girish Kulkarni), is so good, you want to slap him, stab him with the nearest blunt object repeatedly, and even throw a frustrated shoe at the screen. And that hasn't happened ever since Pran first kicked Ramu Kaka with his hessian boots and used his 'hunter' on hapless villagers.

Chaitanya, (played by Vineet Kumar Singh) is that friend you wish you never had. I wanted to help him meet his maker long before it happens on screen. 

Imagine an audience who is used to Hum Saath Saath Hain suddenly wanting to end a friendship violently? Imagine an audience used to a fare of extra loud 'dhishum-dhishum' when the hero beats up baddies, being treated to real life sound of stone tearing flesh, smashing bone and blood.

There are many glitches in the story, and you know the director is waffling when a scene is set at a bar, there's a botched robbery scene and so on, but you don't mind the contrived turn the movie is taking. I did wonder about the forced intrusion of the computer experts and the supposed policemen being posted to keep a watch on suspects. Had they done their jobs, the culprits would have been found much earlier...

Even so, when the movie ends, you find your legs a little unsteady and your head pounding. You make your way to the nearest dive and hope alcohol will numb your ears to the sounds of wolves tearing away at human kindness.

  

Review: UGLY

४ सितारे

अनुराग कश्यप के पात्र सचमुच UGLY हैं. डर यह है की उनमे से आप भी एक हो सकते हैं.


क्या आप फ़ेसबुक पर दोस्तों की 'विश यू वर हियर' टाइप की हॉलिडे फोटो देख कर अपने कंप्यूटर को बिल्डिंग की सबसे ऊपरी मंज़िल से ज़मीन पर पटक देने की सोचते हैं?

क्या आपको स्माइली फेसस और 'आई हार्ट यू' टाइप के ईमोटीकानो से चिढ़ है? और जो लोग इनका इस्तेमाल करते हैं उनका आपने अपने मन में कई बार पत्थर से मार मार कर सर फोड़ दिया है?

क्या आप समझते हैं की इन्वेस्टिगेशन डिस्कवरी चॅनेल किसी भी चॅनेल से बेहतर है?

क्या आप फिल्में दिमाग़ को घर रख कर देखने के आदि है?

क्या आपने कभी प्याज़ को ध्यान से देखा है?

बॉस! बाकी प्रश्न तो समझ में आ गये. यह प्याज़ वाला प्रश्न कुछ समझा नही.

तब आप Ugly  ज़रूर देखें.

हर प्रश्न का उत्तर अगर 'हाँ' है, तो आपको यह फिल्म ज़रूर पसंद आएगी. क्योंकि सब लोग फ़ेसबुक पर 'हाउ क्यूट', 'सो नाइस' करने में लगे हैं, और आप हैं की सोशियल मीडीया पर फूँक फूँक कर कॉमेंट करते हैं. (याद है, स्कूल वाली फ्रेंड को पति के साथ देख कर आपने कॉमेंट किया था, 'वॉट ए लव्ली फादर-डॉटर पिक्चर'). और लोगों की फ़ितरत से अच्छी तरह से वाकिफ़ हैं. आपको  इस फिल्म के बारे में बताने की ज़रूरत ही नही. गॅरेंटी है की आपको यह फिल्म पसंद आएगी.

अगर आप अब भी मेरे प्याज़ वाले सवाल पर अटके पड़े हैं, तो सुनिए. 

अनुराग कश्यप ने ऐसे पात्रों को इकट्ठा किया है जो प्याज़ की तरह हैं. मानो वो फिल्म नही, प्याज़ का सूप बना रहे हों.

हर पात्र प्याज़ की तरह परतों वाला है. जैसे जैसे अनुराग कश्यप की छुरी उनपर से एक परत निकाल देती है, वैसे वैसे नयी, रसभरी परत आपके सामने आ जाती है. प्याज़ के छिलने से जैसे आपके आँखों से आँसू निकल पड़ते हैं, वोही आँसू आप थियेटर के अंधेरे में महसूस करते हैं. नैराश्य के आँसू. आप तो हीरो और विलेन वाली फ़िल्मो के आदि हैं, ना? जब हीरो विलेन में बदल जाता है, और विलेन में आपको अच्छाई नज़र आने लगती है, तब आपके पास दाँत पीस कर फिल्म आगे देखने के अलावा कोई चारा नही रह जाता. आप जाधव, राहुल, डिटेक्षन साहेब की बात भी समझते हैं, और दूसरी तरफ शालिनी और राखी को भी. आपको कभी राहुल कपूर पर शक होता है, कभी उसके दोस्त चैतन्य पर. 

इस प्याज़ के सूप से आपको बदहज़मी होगी ज़रूर. लेकिन इस सूप से आम बकवास फिल्मों से मन उठ जाएगा.      

मैं दावे के साथ कह सकती हूँ की इस साल रिलीज़ हुई फिल्मों में बस क्वीन और अब अग्ली में ही ऐसे पात्र हैं, जो आपको वास्तविक लगते हैं.  और इतने वास्तविक की हर पात्र के हर परत के उतरते ही भुनी हुए चमडी की बदबू मानो सारे थियेटर में फैल जाती हो. आप पॉपकॉर्न खरीद तो लाए थे, लेकिन जलती हुई सभ्यता की परत की बू आपको पॉपकॉर्न खाने नही देती. आप कोल्ड ड्रिंक ले तो आए हैं, लेकिन 'खोई हुई बच्ची ने क्या कुछ खाया है? क्या कुछ पिया है?' ऐसे सवाल आपको स्ट्रॉ से सुड़कने से रोक देती है. 

आख़िर इतने पात्रो से लगाव क्यों? इतनी समवेदना कैसे? आप ना पुलिसवाले हैं, ना आप कभी किसी बच्चे को अगुआ करने वाले. और यही तो खूबी है इस फिल्म की. ऐसा झींझोड़ कर रख देगी यह फिल्म, आप बाहर निकल कर पास वाले बार में संतुलन ढूंडने घुस जाएँगे.

इतनी तारीफ? क्यों नही? गटर के पानी से सनी हुई मैली सडकों पर गिरे हुए डीज़ल में इंद्रधनुषी रंग देख सकना भी एक कला है. और अनुराग कश्यप ऐसी स्याह रंग बड़ी खूबी से अपनी फिल्मों में भरते हैं. 

हाँ, जब बेरहमी हद पार कर देती है तो आप पूछने पर मजबूर हो जाते है, की क्या यह ज़रूरी था? बार में बंदूके खरीदना बहुत ही कन्ट्राइव्ड लगता है. फिल्म अपने ही स्याह रंग में ऐसा डूबती है की कहानी की कमियों को अनदेखा किया ऐसे लगता है. जिस पुलिसवाले को संदिग्ध पात्र पर नज़र रखने को कहा था, वो कर क्या रहा था? अगर उसने अपना काम किया होता तो पूरी फिल्म एक घंटे में ख़त्म हो गयी होती. और इतने कंप्यूटर एक्सपर्ट्स अगर पुलिसवालों के पास हैं, तो उनका काम इतना फीका क्यों? कंप्यूटर का आई. पी. अड्रेस ढूंडने के लिए इतने कंप्यूटर ज़प्त करने की ज़रूरत नही होती. दिखने में अच्छा तो दिखता है, बस कहानी को कमज़ोर कर देता है. 

इन सबके बावजूद यह फिल्म (क्वीन के बाद) साल की सबसे बेहतरीन फिल्म साबित होगी. अगले साल आप फिर अपने दिमाग़ को सुस्ताने दें. लेकिन इस फिल्म को देखें ज़रूर.

आख़िरी विचार:

कहते हैं क्रिस्मस का त्योहार खुशियों का है. खुशियों के मौके पर इस फिल्म को रिलीज़ कर अनुराग कश्यप ने यह साबित कर दिया है की वो भी फ़ेसबुक पर दोस्तों की 'आई हार्ट यू किटन्स' वाली पोस्ट्स देख कर उल्टिया कर दिया करते हैं. 

    

     

 

review: PK

ET (please go home!) mash up with OMG!

2 Stars

Mini Review:

You like Rajkumar Hirani? Watch Munnabhai again. This is a tiring, plodding, annoying version of ET mashed up with the brilliantly written OMG. Why would anyone want to sit through 153 minutes of overcooked ideas?

Main Review:

So it's Rajkumar Hirani. And no one will deny superior touches in the movie: A bomb has gone off and when someone kicks the two-in-one PK carries with him most of the time, the song, 'Aasma pe hai khuda, aur zami pe hum' comes on. That moment earns this movie its one star.

The second star is earned by a moment - and only a director like Hirani could have thought it up -  when the sardarji gives his wife that 100 rupee note to give to the waiter at the five star hotel. 

In the scheme of the movie, these two moments are not important. But you suddenly discover empathy for the characters, the scene, and that is fully paisa vasool.

The rest of the movie?

PK lands naked and comic music plays (Terminator did that hundred years ago! And you still smile when anyone wears RayBans like Arnie did)
PK chased by mobs of every religion with comic music playing.
PK chased by men because he tried to hold hands with their wives with comic music playing.
PK eating paan (the red juices coloring his lips) with comic music playing.
PK calling the prostitute 'sister' because he missed downloading that bit of information. No comic music plays here, but she snores.
PK mentioning 'dancing cars' and showing us what they are at least 4 times in the movie accompanied by comical creaking and orgasmic sounds.
PK speaking Bhojpuri. Supposed to be comic? Must be, because his language makes people laugh. 
PK goggling eyes. Almost always accompanied by song with words like 'Tharki Mehmaan'
PK asking 'innocent', 'endearing', questions like, 'Bhagwan ki battery change karni hai kya?' accompanied by comic twangs of music. Almost always showing people rolling their eyes at him and sniggering too.

If you've had enough of PK, then hear me complain about the screenplay that is so repetitive, each time PK asks religion ka thappa dikhao, you want to ask, 'Is script par approval ka thappa kisne lagaya?'

I agree that we love Rajkumar Hirani so much, that we are willing to forgive him this movie. We call it 'brave', 'audacious questions asked' and so on... 

I wish I had not seen OMG! the movie, where Paresh Rawal makes every argument against practiced religion and the godmen with so much more logic, so much precision, that this better budgeted movie looks flawed. 

You cared for ET and his need to phone home. You cared for the little kids who love him. You remember the m&ms the kids lure him with. You adored how little Drew Barrymore dresses him up like a girl. Here, no matter how much he cries and wobbles his lip, you just want to him to go home. You grit your teeth when you see PK in a woman's skirt (you don't ask how he knew that the skirt was meant to be worn in the lower half and the coat on the upper, you are just so bored). It's not cute.

You want to ask the writers, 'Have you not visited churches where Mother Mary statues are draped in sarees, and coconuts are offered to her?' But I drowned that logic in coffee and exasperation when the 'God' sticker joke is repeated. 

You have seen so many alien movies, you are just grateful that they do not show mini PKs emerging from teapots and desk drawers at Anushka's home because he danced with her. Aliens love to procreate,too, our movies tell us (When the title: 'One Year Later' is shown on the screen, that was my biggest fear).

Cheating Godmen is a theme as old as the hills (remember Jaadugar?), so this looks boring in comparison. Even Nirmal Baba sponsored shows on TV are more fun to watch...

I'm disappointed by the horrendous mash up. I refuse to believe that directors don't watch films by other filmmakers so that their craft remains pure. Somebody must have watched OMG? ET? 

I came away saying 'Ouch' because now there's hole in my heroes gallery where Rajkumar Hirani once stayed.

'Ouch' 

Review: Exodus: Gods And Kings

Ridley Scott Attempts Manmohan Desai. Fails.


2 stars


Mini Review: 

The screen is larger than life, the effects are grand. But everything else is so boringly predictable, you wish they had restored and re-released the original. 

Main Review:

Remember Manmohan Desai's Parvarish, where a policeman raises the child of a dreaded dacoit? Or those 'friendship thicker than blood' movies? Movies about 'brothers from different mothers'? Namakharam? Can you imagine Ramesses and Moses singing, 'Salamat rahe dostana hamara' on chariots after winning the battle against the Hittites?

No? Then imagine being held captive by a sword-wielding Shahnaz Hussain of the Kohl, Kurls and Kaftan fame for three hours in the Dhurries and Handwoven Furnishings section inside a Fab India store... She has confiscated all hair conditioner (explains the rough stiff hair everyone in the movie sports... Imagine being told that she'll let you go only if you wear the dhurries and furnishings as dresses... Imagine Joel Edgarton emoting anger and love wearing sheer curtain fabrics as kaftans... 

But... But... It has Batman! Alas. This is the most tedious telling of the Ten Commandments story. Batman is rich when he's not 'Batman'. Here Moses loses his moolah, no? So why should Bale bhaiyya act? His Moses is lazy. He hides behind his beard and spouts boring dialog. No crackling thunderbolts chisel the edicts. Moses sits down with hammer and chisel while his people party! No wonder he is grumpy.

And just like Manmohan Desai used child actors in Suhaag and Parvarish, here too God is shown to be a child (Looks as evil as though he appeared straight out of the Stephen King's cornfields). And instead of saying, 'Jaao pehle us aadmi ka sign leke aao...' he just unleashes frogs and giant crocs and superbly magnified locusts. And flies. 

It's not that I didn't like the version at all. There were a few good things that earned stars for the movie. Like the evil child god who is really an unhappy chai boy, even though he doesn't explain why he waited for 400 years to do something about his chosen people. 

And the introduction of the idea of TED talk in Egypt. Why else would there be some guy explaining new phenomena to the Pharoah?

The Kohl. I know surma is used by men. But men in skirts wearing kohl must have been a progressive lot...

I loved, loved, loved the scene with Joel Edgarton and the snakes. I don't care if they were not real. They were creepily good.

The 3D as in most movies is pointless. But the movie is a big bore. Serves some American agenda which reads like, 'We're on your side, Israel. We'll show people how you were tortured, so the world will give this movie four stars and forget what you are doing to the Palestinians...

See... you are falling asleep already. We almost did as well. Because you learn nothing new with this film. The scale of the film is certainly grand, but there's no fun dialog that you heard in the original ten commandments. Remember Nefreteri telling Moses that she will be his footstool if he became king of Egypt? And how Moses replies, 'The man stupid enough to use you as a footstool would not be wise enough to rule Egypt!' Alas, there is no Anne Baxter who pouts at Charlton Heston saying, 'O Moses, Moses! Why of all men did I fall in love with a prince of fools?'

This version may look grand because of the IMAX screen and 3D, but it lacks the grandeur of the original. Edgarton despite his muscles is no Yul Brynner, and Christian Bale is not a patch on Charlton Heston.

Even Bollywood fails when it attempts to tell stories which Manmohan Desai did so effortlessly. Maybe De Mille and Desai were Gods, and Ridley is merely a king...




  

Review: Action Jackson

Hey Prabhu! Hey Dheva! 
Dhatteri Bozo Se Cinema Ka Khoon!



Minus 5 Stars

Mini Review:

Kamaal R Khan, Sajid Khan deserve an apology. Deshdrohi and Humshakals are better films. 

Main Review: 

Never thought anyone would say it, did you? I'm saying it. Deshdrohi had a story. Humshakals had the world's lamest jokes, but you laughed at a couple of them.

Here, Prabhu Dheva wants you to believe it is funny that the heroine is blessed with good luck when she sees the hero's genitalia. That's why she pursues him so she can see him in the flesh again. In case you think that is not hilarious, then they will repeat it in animation. 

By the way, you have already been rendered deaf by the loud music, and established the IQ of the film, let us proceed to destroy cinema. With Samurai swords.

And why not? Audience has never seen Kill Bill. Sab chalega. 

Neither has Ajay Devgn. Warna he would have insisted on wearing yellow track pant suit na?
(Bechara! Each time he posed with his Dhat-teri Bozo sword and emoted hatred and anger, he wasn't told that the stills of that pose would be used to make Chinese troops encroaching our borders retreat and roll back down the Himalayas laughing.)

Plus, North ki audience has never heard of Rajnikanth, right?

Neither has Ajay Devgn. So it's okkkkayy to cheat and borrow the 'super star' music and have him say 'En vazhi, tani vazi' in English. With little change also. 'Highway' instead of 'unique'. Rajni sar is romba sweet, so we will have Ajay Clueless Devgn to even raise finger like Padaiyappa.

And audience? North of the Vindhyas wali audience, sar! Dialog sunte hee pippal will throw money at screen sar! Guarantee. Producer bhi khush, and audience gets ever orgasmic vamp.

Poor Manasvi Mamgai. Narration must have stopped for her when she heard, 'You're a hot babe from London who wears leather pants and smokes. And in and interviews with Rajeev Masand and Anupama Chopra you will be able to say, 'The role demanded it, so I shaved my hair.' Wow. 

She's hot all right, but no one told her she will sound like Darth Vader struggling with an orgasm instead of sexy. Aiyyo! Shiva, Shiva! No associating 'sexy' with Prabhu Dheva. He is making family entertainer! 

Okkay! So borrow a soundtrack from Vikram Bhatt's paranormal movies that has chudails laughing. No one has done it before! Not for Nadira. Not for Bindu. Wow. Awesummm!

Call the villain 'Xavier' because the dialog writer's third cousin from Thrissur did not get admission in that college sar!

College is called 'St. Xavier's', no? Remove the state transport from name and also 'S' at the end. That way, you will keep Catholics happy. 

Wow, sar! You are really prabhu. Like Sivaji Ganesan's son, sar!

Call Sonakshi. She can play bubbly and sweet lou interest. She has done that many times before.

But sar, we already signed Yami Gautam.

No worries. We'll make Ajay Devgn double role. Homage to Hema Malini. Seetha Aur Geetha. But with a twist. We will make Geetha and Geetha. 

Wow! You are so awsummm!

And give me color! Lots of color! So no one will notice that Sunny Deol can dyance better than Ajay Devgn. We'll add lots of dyance numbers. Have some Punjabi fellow help write fun song about Punjabis where we put Dandiya as well. So all North Indians will be happy. 

What news of Quentin Tarantino? 

Quentin's people in talks with Yash Raj. He's making Dilwale Dulhaniya Le Jaayenge.        

Send someone to Medwakkam High Road in Adambakkam, and find sickle maker Senthil and get him to make... Sorry sar, in North, union rules, sar... Okkay get local. And with CG we make Shivaji talvaar look like Hattori Hanzo.

Dhat-teri! That Simple-a. Also add one dyance by you during credits to make sure audience stays to clap. Super hit it will be, sar. 

At least they got this right. The entire audience hits their foreheads in despair. Even Singham fans. 


PS. Now that cinema is dead, you are invited to bring your Kill Bill DVDs so that we can once and for all, in a mass ceremony break them like bangles in Hindi films.