Friday, December 05, 2014

Review: Action Jackson

Hey Prabhu! Hey Dheva! 
Dhatteri Bozo Se Cinema Ka Khoon!

Minus 5 Stars

Mini Review:

Kamaal R Khan, Sajid Khan deserve an apology. Deshdrohi and Humshakals are better films. 

Main Review: 

Never thought anyone would say it, did you? I'm saying it. Deshdrohi had a story. Humshakals had the world's lamest jokes, but you laughed at a couple of them.

Here, Prabhu Dheva wants you to believe it is funny that the heroine is blessed with good luck when she sees the hero's genitalia. That's why she pursues him so she can see him in the flesh again. In case you think that is not hilarious, then they will repeat it in animation. 

By the way, you have already been rendered deaf by the loud music, and established the IQ of the film, let us proceed to destroy cinema. With Samurai swords.

And why not? Audience has never seen Kill Bill. Sab chalega. 

Neither has Ajay Devgn. Warna he would have insisted on wearing yellow track pant suit na?
(Bechara! Each time he posed with his Dhat-teri Bozo sword and emoted hatred and anger, he wasn't told that the stills of that pose would be used to make Chinese troops encroaching our borders retreat and roll back down the Himalayas laughing.)

Plus, North ki audience has never heard of Rajnikanth, right?

Neither has Ajay Devgn. So it's okkkkayy to cheat and borrow the 'super star' music and have him say 'En vazhi, tani vazi' in English. With little change also. 'Highway' instead of 'unique'. Rajni sar is romba sweet, so we will have Ajay Clueless Devgn to even raise finger like Padaiyappa.

And audience? North of the Vindhyas wali audience, sar! Dialog sunte hee pippal will throw money at screen sar! Guarantee. Producer bhi khush, and audience gets ever orgasmic vamp.

Poor Manasvi Mamgai. Narration must have stopped for her when she heard, 'You're a hot babe from London who wears leather pants and smokes. And in and interviews with Rajeev Masand and Anupama Chopra you will be able to say, 'The role demanded it, so I shaved my hair.' Wow. 

She's hot all right, but no one told her she will sound like Darth Vader struggling with an orgasm instead of sexy. Aiyyo! Shiva, Shiva! No associating 'sexy' with Prabhu Dheva. He is making family entertainer! 

Okkay! So borrow a soundtrack from Vikram Bhatt's paranormal movies that has chudails laughing. No one has done it before! Not for Nadira. Not for Bindu. Wow. Awesummm!

Call the villain 'Xavier' because the dialog writer's third cousin from Thrissur did not get admission in that college sar!

College is called 'St. Xavier's', no? Remove the state transport from name and also 'S' at the end. That way, you will keep Catholics happy. 

Wow, sar! You are really prabhu. Like Sivaji Ganesan's son, sar!

Call Sonakshi. She can play bubbly and sweet lou interest. She has done that many times before.

But sar, we already signed Yami Gautam.

No worries. We'll make Ajay Devgn double role. Homage to Hema Malini. Seetha Aur Geetha. But with a twist. We will make Geetha and Geetha. 

Wow! You are so awsummm!

And give me color! Lots of color! So no one will notice that Sunny Deol can dyance better than Ajay Devgn. We'll add lots of dyance numbers. Have some Punjabi fellow help write fun song about Punjabis where we put Dandiya as well. So all North Indians will be happy. 

What news of Quentin Tarantino? 

Quentin's people in talks with Yash Raj. He's making Dilwale Dulhaniya Le Jaayenge.        

Send someone to Medwakkam High Road in Adambakkam, and find sickle maker Senthil and get him to make... Sorry sar, in North, union rules, sar... Okkay get local. And with CG we make Shivaji talvaar look like Hattori Hanzo.

Dhat-teri! That Simple-a. Also add one dyance by you during credits to make sure audience stays to clap. Super hit it will be, sar. 

At least they got this right. The entire audience hits their foreheads in despair. Even Singham fans. 

PS. Now that cinema is dead, you are invited to bring your Kill Bill DVDs so that we can once and for all, in a mass ceremony break them like bangles in Hindi films.


1 comment:

SK said...

Hilarious review.. well written