half a star
Imagine a Hollywood remake that makes you want to watch Sanjay Dutt and John Abraham, makes you sing like Lara Dutta, ‘Zinda Hooooooooooon Main’... because this boring official remake is just that: boring.
It’s the famous man in suitcase movie. It’s where an octopus is swallowed whole. It’s about vengeance so great your stomach turns…
Never do you imagine you want the hero to have an accident with the hammer and kill himself, or stub his toe at least, so you’d feel some relief from the fakeness on the screen.
A very obviously buff Josh Brolin (look at those muscular arms) sticks his tum out, pretending to be paunchy. This is so fake, Sanjay Dutt saying he’s a software engineer in Zinda is far more convincing. Sanjay Dutt’s ‘Buddhism mein red circle’ wala dialog was more realistic that Josh Brolin’s love for the baby mice.
Even stylistically, if you like the retro colors and Josh Brolin’s sharp suit, you realise that the attention to detail is like an insult to people with ADD. The famous suitcase scene, uses a Louis Vuitton suitcase. So far so good. Tells you the kidnapper is rich. But Spike Lee might as well have used a VIP suitcase. Because Louis Vuitton (and from the size of it, this was the 1920 Malle Chaussures Shoe trunk). It has the LV monogrammed canvas, but the inside lining is never white. It is beige or brown silk padding. Even if you ignore the inside, they forgot to add the brass edges and horizontal brass straps that Louis Vuitton always used. It was a tad disappointing to see a tacky box masquerading as the most important piece of movie prop.
So what if Sanjay Gupta used silly looking men in capes dancing behind Lara Dutta when she sings, ‘Zindaaaa Hoon Maaaain, Kiske Liye!’, it is far superior to Adrian asking Josh Brolin,’You forgot to ask why I let you live’.
You know that your legs have gone to sleep (in anticipation of the fight scene), and then you go into slowly into a coma because even the gory smash-the-hammer into people scene is dull. For some reason the remove-the-tooth-with-the-hammer in Zinda was so much more visceral.
You stop wondering about the coincidence of how Josh Brolin follows that one bearded guy who ordered like a hundred dumplings. He could be taking them home dumplings to a party! But no! Josh Brolin rides a delivery bicycle to chase the big black SUV and catches everyone and their pet goon unaware… But at some point you stop caring (mine came when Chucky the friend had not moved for 20 years, neither had he aged, and he recognised a drunk person at the doorstep of his bar as a friend from 20 years ago, as if lying down drunk on the street was unique to him).
Somewhere I was thankful that the pivotal sex scene wasn’t there. I am sure it would be so boringly filmed, that falling asleep while writing the review and crashing on to the keyboard (and waking up five hours later with the keyboard imprinted on your cheek) would be more interesting.
If you wish to really experience what it is like to be imprisoned for 20 years, then see this boring film. Make sure your friends tie you to the chair and keep your eyelids propped up so you really watch it.
(the FilmOrbit website where the reviews should be is being revamped. will be up soon!)