Friday, December 13, 2013


half star

You Don't Know Jack Potty

Mini Review:

Focus! Focus! Sunny Leone says not once, not twice, but many times. Focus on what? A story that is stuck on repeat button? Hammy actors? Papercuts are more interesting.

Main Review:

Let’s make a movie in Goa. Use every word from maka, tuka, susegad to dona paula and cafreal in the script so it sounds authentic Goan.

Call the characters Anthony and Francis, dress them in ganjis, show them drinking beer.

Give Naseeruddin Shah a cool wig and cowboy boots and lurid green Hawaiian shirt so he will agree to do the movie. And we’ll make Makrand Deshpande a cop. So the acting department is taken care of.

For glamor, let’s take Sunny Leone. Boy, was she hot in Jism2! What? She wants to focus on her acting career? No worries. We can add that dialog too. We’ll get her to say, ‘Focus!’ But we insist on one bikini scene where she’s on all fours, saying, ‘Paisa Kahaan Hai’ (rest of the movie she can speak English, because this movie is set in Goa, men! Everybody here spiks Catlic… I mean English.

Speaking of dialog, how about we make it cool, by having things in rhyme? Kalti ya palti, sau daant ya ek. Hey, that doesn’t rhyme! Listen boss. If Naseeruddin Shah says it, it will be super brilliant.

We'll do Kurosavvy by showing same story from the villain's point of view and then from the hero's. The audience will appreciate seeing the planning and the execution of the paanch karod ki chori. Is this the story?

What about the story? What about it? Everyone is trying to steal a suitcase full of money. Suitcase is called Jackpot. (Just in case you thought it was a washing machine). The boat is called Jackpot too. But the boat is a casino, and then suitcase is empty, and the money is in a scooter. Oi! Don’t give the plot away! I don’t have to. It’s shown in the movie, five times at least. At one point you are so weary, you want to say, ‘Paisa scooter mein hai, now finish this already.

Thankfully, the Kerala style houseboat in Goa capsizes, goes under faster than you can say Naseeruddin Shah, and the funniest half star earning moment in the movie is when Naseeruddin Shah (who owns a big boat, and is in Goa) sinks in the river. You come away thinking, maybe he grew up in a waterless desert where he did not learn to swim. Maybe they should not be making movies as bad as this. Maybe I should walk into a Xerox store and give myself a papercut...

P.S. There was no press show for the movie. A FDFS ticket was purchased and the movie was watched at Cinemax, Versova in Bombay. 

(FilmOrbit is going thru a revamp, will be online soon!)

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