Review: GHOOMKETU

Aao sab quirky quirky khelein!

1.5 stars

Mini Review:

Kyon?

Main Review: 

'Everyone is creating shows that are violent and every character has gaalis coming out of their pores, let's make people laugh instead, Kya kehte ho?'
'India is not the cities, we should focus on the village.'
'Yes! A village with unique characters...'
'Unique? As in quirky?'
'And bring the village to the city!'

'Explosive!'
'Of course! Open that rolodex and assemble the ensemble cast!'
'And we will make a super quirky comedy, sir!'

And the men gather around adding quirk after quirk to every character. No one cares if the audience will wonder why there's not one, not a single normal person in the village...

Dadda screams and screams and then plays the flute. Raghubir Yadav does yelling in every movie, so director ka kaam aasaan. Check!

Nawazuddin Siddiqui is a Phantom rolodex staple, he can do any role. He will be Dhoomketu..
Sir, Ghoomketu, sir!
Haan, haan, same difference. Get him! 
Sir, his designer says he should wear strange clothes. But writer says people in villages don't wear such clothes...
Tell him to shut up and write. Everyone in villages wears clothes like Tik Tok stars. 
Ok sir. Done hai sir!

Let's make Anurag Kashyap a bumbling cop because he scared the heck out of people as Rudra the psycho in Imaikka Nodigal. 
Lekin he doesn't look like a 'Badlani'...
If people at Netflix have this same doubt, we will use words like 'universality of the character'
Sounds impressive sir! Lekin AK sir toh, yahan ke sir hain, unko...
No problem, he is very sporting. 
Ok sir! Very good sir!  

Editor ka role Bijendra Kala ko do.
He's very good sir. Will be very good as writer of film genre handbook
But that's too straightforward. Put him behind a big partition with a small window.
Yeh best rahega sir! 
And call the newspaper of the village 'Gudgudi'
Whaa?
Thoda quirky hona chaahiye naa?
Okay sir, best!

Thoda politics bhi daalo so Swanand Kirkire ke character ko Bheeshma pitamah ki tarah kuch role mile.
Hain?
Give him a quirky backstory. Could not get love, so became leader.
Whaa?

Aur kaun baaki hai?
The women, sir!
Put one in ghoonghat, make other one fat and in ghoonghat and make the third fart.
Ila Arun said yes, sir. For Santo bua! 
She did?
But she insists she won't fart on screen, sir. Because, dignity... 
We'll figure that one out.
She will be the best! Most quirky, most encouraging bua ever.

Writer? Be funny! Sab dialog mein quirky hona chaahiye. Script ka koi bhi page open karoon toh quirky hona chahiye. At least three!

So you have quirky things like 'Bloody Pool' followed by 'Sui Patak Sannata' and Nawazuddin Siddiqui's Tik Tok inspired shirts. So it doesn't matter if the cast forgets that they are supposed to be villagers and their English is supposed to be less than perfect.

By the time Ghoomketu comes back home from a failed stint in Bollywood, and you have a pain in the neck from watching Ranveer Singh and Sonakshi Sinha act out Dilwale Dulhaniya De Jaayenge and Amitabh Bachchan mouth Ghoomketu's lines off a bhelpuri paper you have gagged on your own vomit.

How can anyone say 'Content is King' after watching this?