Review: SIMMBA

SIMMBALY IRRESISTIBLE!

3 stars

Mini Review:

A street smart orphan realises that the corrupt cops have money and power, so he grows up to become one. Ranveer Singh crackles in the title role of Simmba and wins us over in this simple tale of bad cop turning into gold. Eminently watchable!

Main Review:

Welcome To The Rohit Shetty Khaki Avengers Cinematic Universe...

You enter the theatre with trepidation. Rohit Shetty brand of films can be deafening and blinding. Each time Bajirao Singham (Ajay Devgn) punches or slaps the bad guys there is a distinct possibility that the sound guy will crank up the volume of the slap beyond tolerable. And the acid colors of vehicles colliding or exploding mid air or both will surely make you run for cover. Simmba did not need any colliding vehicles. Ranveer Singh was enough.

Ranveer Singh has perhaps the best comic timing of them all today. He delivers all his corny punchlines really well. Stars with a, ‘Pamper me or you will hamper me…’ And before you look at your neighbor and say, ‘Whaaa?’ he’s on to, ‘Dard hai ghutne mein, takleef hai uthne mein.’

His Marathi sounds more authentic than Bajirao Singham’s delivery. But Singham had nicer songs. Simmba wins simply because Ranveer Singh has so much energy, but then we all know that. As Simmba would say, ‘Tell me something I don’t know.’

So Simmba as a little lad watches power at play when he sees a corrupt cop counting cash after beating up the leader of pickpockets, and decides he will study hard and become a policeman. I gagged at the ‘Police’ tattoo on Simmba’s arm. But it got a whole lot of whistles, that’s for sure. Grown up Simmba is very clear. He wants to make lots of money, and allows baddies like Durva Ranade (played wonderfully by Sonu Sood) to call him a dog who instead of Pedigree, gets fed with cash. Simmba has been posted to the Miramar Police Station in Goa and as long as he keeps his mouth shut and helps the baddie Durva Ranade to continue doing his thing all is okay.

This gives Simmba time to romance the local pretty lass (Sara Ali Khan, whose role does not require her to do much) who runs a catering business across from the police station. If the movie starts out with five stars as a rating, then the pointlessness of the romantic thread (especially the teenagerish jealous streak Simmba shows when her best friend shows up) will lose the film one star. It’s funny only because Ranveer Singh makes the funny bits really funny. Anyone else would have been slapped several times. And yes, the ‘feeling shy’ bit was unexpected and adorable.

The Writing Is Great Until The Second Half...

The turning point comes too late in the life of corrupt and cocky Simmba. By now you want to slap that girl who bravely ventures into the drug den armed only with a phone. The inevitable happens to Akruti and you actually feel like jumping into the screen and waking up the drunken sleeping gorgeousness that is Simmba so he can save the girl. The drunken scene with Ashutosh Rana - who plays the upright cop Mohile - is fabulous. This brings us to the prolonged hospital scene that makes you want to weep with frustration and cut off another half star. So now this three and a half star film begins to limp to the conclusion. Thank goodness Ranveer Singh can play angry cop really well. I love the breaking furniture scene with bodies of baddies and put my fingers into me mouth to whistle at the uniform hanging in Ranveer’s office. Yay! The avenging hero emerges!

Gone are the silly (but funny) dialog, and now it is turn for the throw cash at the screen dialog. But not before you have torn your hair out at the very long pity party scene where everyone wants to kill the rapists but profess their helplessness. You understand why it is long, but you wish everyone would just nod to ‘kill the rapists’ together instead of saying it individually. It’s painful to chop another half star but the superb dialog Simmba throws at the snarling Sonu Sood restrained by a swarm of cops earns it back. Ranveer’s revenge story is complete, but not over for Sonu Sood.

In a horrible Korean TV show style torture scene, we now wait for the predictable but oh-so-enjoyable ‘boss fight’. Ajay Devgn’s Singham shows up to rescue Simmba, and the two beat up all the baddies. The Rohit Shetty Khaki Avengers Universe gets another character and the theatre erupts in whoops and whistles.

So what happens to the last half star? It gets knocked off because the inane songs are used as transition from one situation to another. It gets knocked off because bribing the little mute lad’s dad is a cheap plot trick to get rid of a witness. It also gets knocked off because they had to show Akruti’s ghost smiling at the camera once the revenge is done.

But the film truly belongs to Ranveer Singh and Ranveer Singh only. He’s brilliant and funny, and super buff. Plus he has great legs. Book your tickets now, and don’t forget to take your sunglasses!

(this review appears on www.nowrunning.com)        

Review: ZERO

Shah Rukh Is Shah Rukh, Baaki Sab Zero

2 stars

Mini Review:

It’s a Shah Rukh Khan film. He plays Bauwa Singh, a vertically challenged person who has immense swag. He thinks he was born to love ‘em and leave ‘em, but until he understands the meaning of love, he’s a zero…

Main Review:

Rab Ne Bana Di Ajeeb Jodi

Shah Rukh fans will ‘Ooh!’ and ‘aah!’ because Shah Rukh has this certain something that goes beyond his dimples. He has that swag. And in this movie, though he’s shown to be vertically challenged, literally named Bauwa Singh, it is bravado, his immense self-confidence that makes the first half likeable even though it is pretty weird to see him in this avatar. He’s sassy, self-deprecating and rude and fun.

Beyond Badshah’s badassery, everything else is just gawdawful. There. I’ve said it. For a Shah Rukh film. How can that even be possible? Let us count the ways.

Bauwa lives in Meerut, but everything - from the streets to the house to the market - is so fake, you know it’s a film set. Bauwa’s dad (Tigmanshu Dhulia) is ready to beat up his son, insulting him, and everyone has to pull him back. His mom (Sheeba Chaddha) protects her son from the dad. There are other family members around to take sides, but are never identified. They misuse Brijendra Kala who just appears on screen to offer Shah Rukh mithai and then eat it and exit right. Why?

But the most annoying person of the film is Bauwa’s friend Guddu played by Mohammed Zeeshan Ayyub who is usually so good as a ‘friend’ in all his movies, the director allowed him to do whatever he wanted. And of course the lad proved that everyone, but everyone studies in the Noida School of Overacting. Guddu sports the most ridiculous colored hair (nobody checked or cared that it changed in one scene), has a ‘made in China’ eye, walks around with a torch, says, ‘Blind person coming through’ (which is not funny and doesn’t fit for a bumpkin from the country). After a while, you just want to swat him off the screen.

Originality Zero

Shah Rukh manipulates Anushka Sharma into falling in love with him. It's like watching a weird new age Rab Ne Bana Di Jodi with disabled people. And you cannot put a finger on it, but the Bollywoodisation of differently abled people sets my teeth on edge. I don't know if they are trying to get a laugh out of vertically challenged people and people suffering from life threatening diseases by putting them in a Bollywood romantic situation or there is a genuine empathy at work here. The Theory Of Everything made Hawking human, but in this movie, Anushka Sharma's speech about how Bauwa saw her as a girl rather than a disabled person on a wheelchair is the closest you get for empathy. There are awful references about dwarf people in circuses, and Bauwa's dad even suggests that Anushka Sharma's father make money off Bauwa by getting to perform in the circus which make you cringe in your seat. And I'm not even getting into comapring earlier films like Appu Raja where Kamala Hasan plays a dwarf. There is a certain level of empathy in that film. Here, there is not a single line about Bauwa's feelings of isolation because he's 'different', just bravado. It takes a Shah Rukh Khan to pull this off. But you know it's just a shallow thing. Perhaps even to get kudos for 'special effects'.

Anushka Sharma plays Stephen Hawking type scientist, but that would mean someone would need to work hard on the script instead of just some cheap laughs about Shah Rukh’s dimples. So they make her into a space scientist, someone who found water on Mars. She’s even going to send a chimp to Mars but the chimp behaves badly so he doesn’t have to go to Mars (leaving chimp family behind) because they sense things...Don’t ask. Just pray no one gets the references about math being right from Hidden Figures. But we’re seeing Mohan Bhargav from Swades turn into a pale imitation of Ryan Gosling from First Man and there are umpteen references of ‘Toot-ta tara’ from Dilwale Dulhania Le Jayenge to keep you counting scenes inspired from movies.

Before you upchuck popcorn all over the people sitting in front, I had better tell you about Katrina Kaif who plays a movie star called Babita Kumari. Who thought up these names? It’s not clever, but idiotic. Especially because they even call Anushka Sharma Aafia Yusufzai Bhinder. So Bauwa Singh is infatuated by the movie star, and leaves his physicist girlfriend to pursue her. She is fascinated by his swag and sass and sort of keeps him for a pet, ‘Kal se shoot par aa jao!’ (Come for the shoot from tomorrow). For once you don’t hate Katrina for speaking in that anglicised Hindi. In fact, in a couple of scenes, she is a saving grace. Her assistant asks her to fix her bra strap and Katrina says, ‘Let them see! They’re dying to write about a boozed out star who had a wardrobe malfunction!’

You go, ‘Wow!’ Where did such home-truths about fans and the paparazzi come from? Surely not the same person who then in a Bruce Wayne inspired moment, has Katrina Kaif shoo away all the guests at the party.

There’s not a single original thing in the film, you sigh as you watch the Shah Rukh ogle fest (even though he’s shown to be only 4 foot 6 inches tall) when he trains to be an astronaut who is going away in a Passengers inspired sleeping pod to Mars on a space flight. Oh yes, there’s a shot of Shah Rukh on Mars just like how Matt Damon in The Martian, is shown tapping on the camera. The trouble is, when you are lifting off so many scenes from Hollywood, you forget that Shah Rukh is the only man going to Mars, then who is the guy with him a la First Man on the flight? How many times do they want you to facepalm?

Did I say, how sigh inducing Shah Rukh is, despite the weird size? And it was love from fans when he made the stars fall from the skies… Until Kajol showed up in the movie (so did all the Lux soap ladies) and said, ‘Show us the falling stars’ like she did in Dilwale Dulhania Le Jayenge, and killed the romance in this movie.

Oh yes, they even copy… Erm… Pay tribute to The Ballad Of Buster Scruggs at the start of the film. That was actually nice. That and Shah Rukh’s swag. Everything else is like the title of the film.

(this review, sans my personal view about differently abled people appears on www.nowrunning.com)       

Review: KEDARNATH

Disaster Romance

2 stars

Mini Review:

A Hindu-Muslim romance set in the temple town of Kedarnath, at the time of the deadly cloudburst that wiped out thousands of people. The film launches Sara Ali Khan and she has infinite possibilities although the film doesn’t.

Main Review:

Sara Ali Khan Is A Discovery, Despite The Disaster Romance

The premise of setting a romance right before disaster strikes is rather exploitative and dreadful. But the young Sara Ali Khan is luminous and can deliver wicked dialogue with seasoned ease. She makes the practically cliched love story between a poor Muslim worker in love with a Hindu girl, a daughter of a priest, rather refreshing. Kanika Dhillon (she wrote Manmarziyan too) writes her as a rather rebellious daughter of a priest. Credit goes to the young girl who shows flashes of her beautiful mum’s talent (Amrita Singh) and brings a little something of her own on screen. There’s talent here, and it is enough to take your mind away from the horrendous cliches that make the movie.

More Than The Cloudburst, It's The Cliches That Make The Movie Disastrous

Besides the glaring glitch: Kedarnath is a very small town, if both live there, shouldn't the heroine have noticed the hero earlier? Especially when her dad knows him well? But there are more cliches to worry about...

The hero is a poor Muslim lad who ekes a living by ferrying people up to Kedarnath on his horse or carrying them on his back. He’s so good, his mother (the ever so good Alka Amin) has to scold him about saving money rather than spending it all on the pilgrims.

The villain is a Hindu guy who is planning to build a hotel and resorts etc., engaged to be married to the heroine who doesn’t want to be engaged to him…

The father of the heroine (Nitish Bharadwaj) is a priest and hotel owner, has dreams of being head priest at Kedarnath temple. He is stern and a patriarch, likes the Muslim hero as long as his daughter doesn’t fall for the poor boy. He gets to mouth really pathetic Bollywood cliches like, ‘Tumhari himmat kaise huyi mere ghar ki taraf aankh uthane ki!’ (How dare you even look at my home, aka, fall for my daughter!)

There is a mother and a sister too, and the mother is shown to be pious and quiet. But the sibling rivalry is great. Alas, the audience has seen the film Patakha and when the sisters slap each other, that’s what some wise guys yelled, taking away from the cliche any gravitas.

The cinematography is rather wonderful, but then the setting in the Himalayas cannot but be spectacular. In fact, it will make you want to visit the temple town. And as temple towns need, there is a very catchy quasi religious song that makes your heart well up. The camera catches the temple town in all its glorious colors.

There is a Hindu Muslim tension that could have made the film awful, but the director manages to keep it in control. When Mansoor Khan, the hero, stands up in the community gathering and makes the point with the dialogue, ‘We belong here,’ I found myself grateful that cinema is speaking on behalf of the Muslims and all liberal folk.

The disaster strikes and there is a cloudburst, but we don’t do special effects too well. At first you think you are going to see something terrible, but it isn’t too bad. But you know it’s fake, so you know everyone is acting. In fact, if the curtains in your kitchen catch fire, you will scream, but here the mom and sister don’t even know it’s happening… Obviously post production addition, or they would have screamed even more. The final disaster scene goes on and on and you wish someone - the hero or the heroine - would drown and end it all for us…

The romance is fun, and Sara Ali Khan actually carries the film. Sushant Singh Rajput acts embarrassed quite well. But watch it for her.  

(the review sans sub heads appears on www.nowrunning.com)

Review: Girl In The Spider's Web

The Ducati Is Good, The Rest Is Predictable Hollywood


1.5 stars


Mini Review: 

Lisbeth Salander is now a known hacker, and saves women from abusive husbands and boyfriends and brothers and fathers. She chooses an assignment to delete a defence program and gets into all kinds of trouble. The programmer is dead and his child knows the password, so the child needs to be protected. But Lisbeth is in mortal danger too. Can she save herself? 

Main Review:

Lisbeth Salander, international hacker and Michael Blomkvist the journalist you met when you watched Girl With The Dragon Tattoo. You loved how she was a misfit. You wanted to be as single minded as him. The book taught you how to read the many Swedish train station and introduced you to names with the letter  'e' written funny and 'o' with a slash through it, and the ever present umlaut... I even searched for 'Swedish language classes in Mumbai' after having read everything written by Larrson. I promised to not laugh at the names spelt funny which in India sounded like they were 'fixed' by a numerologist... The book Girl In The Spider's Web is different from the film. But we're talking movies, so here goes...

I have loved Rooney Mara so much as Lisbeth Salander that I expected Ryan Gosling to show up and get Claire Foy (his wife in First Man) back home. 

In the film this Lisbeth Salander is shown to be someone who simply goes into situations like a bull in a china shop. Not right at all. She's supposed to be sharp and intellectual and someone who has all her moves planned. If you know there are bad guys who are going into the safehouse where your programmer and his son are holed up, and they're killing everyone without remorse, you don't just barge in and be taken in by the bad guys from behind. You want to say, 'Look behind you!' more than once! She's meant to be smarted than Sunny Deol! And Sunny Deol can bludgeon anyone who thinks they can attack him from behind. Sigh. This happens too many times in the film...

The only time she is the Lisbeth Salander we loved in the books and the first film, is at the airport, where she hacks into the control systems and corners the American NSA agent into doing her bidding. You want to hi-five an imaginary friend at that time.

And you've seen the bike action in the trailer. It will make you want to move to colder climes just because you like Ducatis. Yes, yes, it reminded me that I'm too short to ride this one, but oh what joy to hear it in the film!

This is a good action film, but has such crigemworthy obvious mistakes by characters that it does not become great, even though Lisbeth's companions kill the bad guys with the help of the heat signatures from the outside. The brilliant kid (supposed to be autistic in the book, is normal but introverted/quiet in the film) knows that his father is dead, but answers the phone... Yaar! Even annoying kids in Hindi movies don't do that!

So the story takes Lisbeth to her past and Ms.Foy does a good job showing Lisbeth's vulnerability. But is it enough? You want more of her connect to Michael Blomkvist, but here he's no more than a bystander and collateral damage, really. You wish the story had him do more than discover who Spiders really are. And the daddy issues seem to be just too easy a way out. 

Those who are telling you that the film is 'edgy', have never seen a girl on a bike. Or a seen a girl as 'hero'.

It's an okay watch because action set pieces are well done, but you have so many amazing Finnish, Swedish and German shows on Netflix, that you miss the meat on the story. 





  

  

Review: BHAIYYAJI SUPERHIT

What The Heck Did I Just Watch?

1.5 STARS

Mini Review:

Sunny Deol is Bhaiyyaji, a gangster whose wife, Preity Zinta has left him in a huff. He decides to woo her back by making a movie. It’s funny if you are a masochist.

Main Review:

Hard to believe that we’re still making slapstick movies. This movie has been made at least six years ago and has attempted a release ever since it got made. But if you stop groaning through all the awful acting and ridiculous where-is-this-going plot, you will discover silliness that is unexpected and fun.  

Sunny Deol and Preity Zinta (sometimes they look exhausted and older and at other times look charming, really) are Gangster Bhaiyyaji and Sapna Dubey, married to each other. Why Bhaiyyaji is called 3D no one really knows, perhaps it is a joke that did not translate well from page to screen. But some do:

‘He is a writer, someone who doesn’t get paid…’ The director of the film says as he snatches the money away from the writer.

Then there are unintended moments of laughter. Jaideep Ahlawat is the bad guy called Helicopter Mishra, who wants to be Bhaiyyaji instead of Bhaiyyaji. He too has a gang of guys with guns and evil glares following him around. He hires bad gals to sidle up Bhaiyyaji inside a temple (Bhaiyyaji is singing a Shiva song with men and women in black are dancing with him) and then fake sadhus attack Bhaiyyaji. Bhaiyyaji of course handles each goon with punches and kicks and breaks their bones while his bunch of hanger ons nod approvingly. The sequence has great action for Sunny Deol fans. There is a car chase sequence where someone overtakes Bhaiyyaji, and there are other guys trying to stop bhaiyyaji from reaching (who knows where!) and for a while you think it’s just going to be a Rohit Shetty style car blow up sequence, out comes what could only be described as a Gatling gun! Before you can collect your jaw from the floor, you realise that you actually enjoyed that excess.

Speaking of excess, the entry of Sunny Deol (certain whistles and whoops among the fans) has a full ‘paisa vasool’ scene where he smashes his fists (yes, both!) into a pushcart full of tender coconuts and when he raises them, woah! He now has boxing glove like devices, tender coconut in each hand! He uses them to smash baddies, of course.

But the story is something terribly lame. His fiesty wife Sapna Dubey has left him because she just doesn’t feel compliant and also because some woman was hugging him in gratitude. She dresses in shiny sarees (and those sarees look really good on Preity Zinta) but she shoots at him happily. The first bullet goes past his head and she says, ‘I did not want to be a widow, or the bullet would not have missed.’ And to top that, the second bullet misses his groin, she gets to say, ‘I want children, so I missed deliberately!’

If you can stand this, and don’t care that her face looks really weird in some scenes (surgery?), then her awful broken English will certainly make you cringe. She speaks bad English with a city accent. Thankfully there is a host of really good actors who are hamming it up (as though they were told you are so good, just go out there and do your funny thing), which makes Preity Zinta’s overacting seem a-okay. The list will surprise you. Pankaj Tripathi, Brijendra Kala, Sanjay Mishra. Not to be outdone, there’s Shreyas Talpade, Hemant Pandey, Mukul Dev, Arshad Warsi and in a cameo, Ranjeet! Of course, there’s Ameesha Patel too. She’s the female lead in the movie Bhaiyyaji is making to woo his wife back (ends up making her jealous and angry). Wait, that’s the story?

Everything and everyone is overdoing everything all the time, it is easy to ignore the over the top sets of Bhaiyyaji’s palace. Does the whole thing matter at all? The final showdown between Bhaiyyaji and Helicopter Mishra’s gang is jaw-droppingly good. It happens in a train yard. An unconscious Preity Zinta gets to slide down a coal slide and gets caught in Sunny Deol’s arms. An explosion brings her back to cough out the water she has swallowed when her car went over the bridge into the river (yes, that happens). She then gets run over by an SUV and gets jammed under it on train tracks. Helicopter Mishra drives a train engine at speeds meant for Ferraris, but Sunny Deol lifts the SUV and saves his wife and they get off the track because he catches a giant crane hook which his double (don’t ask!) is driving. Then after many punches, Helicopter Mishra drives off with Preity and Sunny Deol jumps on that runaway truck and the truck goes off the cliff and dangles by a a hook where Bhaiyyaji and Mishra have a last fight. Of course Bhaiyyaji wins, and Mishraji falls off the cliff. But instead of falling straight down as gravity would demand, he floats off.

Wait! What?! But all’s well that ends well and they have an end scene where Mishra is in hospital and cannot identify a banana. Why? Do you care? You make a beeline for the exit, unable to meet the eye of other people who are asking the same existential question as you. Did I laugh in there or did I facepalm?

(this review appears on www.nowrunning.com )

Review: Ralph Breaks The Internet

Ralph's Neither For The Kids, Nor For GrownUps

1.5 stars

Mini Review:

None of the kids today have seen arcade games, so this whole concept of arcade game characters getting into the Net (literally) seems odd. There are moments of course, that make grown ups smile, make you feel overwhelmed with emotion, but they are so few and far between that you sort of pass out...

Main Review:

All is not lost movie nerds! There are enough references in the film to keep you from falling asleep. Enough self-deprecating jokes to keep you grinning into your popcorn and chuckling. 

But this movie will drive the kids restless and whiny. There are too many conversations about life. And Sunrises. Why would a six or even an eight year old want to look at two animation characters talk about watching the Sunrise in real life versus life on the Net where the Sun does not set and it is neon lit all the time?

The best part of the movie is when Vanellope meets all the Disney princesses. Yes, it is better than the silly nerdy fan who asks a long-winded question to the character. All the Disney princesses are there, and the conversation is sparkling, brilliant actually. Who'd have thunk that Disney would laugh at themselves, with every princess needing to be 'rescued by a man' and that each princess discovers her mojo when staring at some sort of water. 

The kids sitting in the row behind me were restless with all that talk, and they began to kick the seats in front of them (that's me) - one positively wailing when they saw the mean looking virus - and then crying when many Ralphs form one gigantic King Kong like gorilla, climbing on to a building with Vanellope in his fist. 

There is more conversation about letting go that made me tear up, but out of emotion. But the kids were stuffing more popcorn in their mouths and wailing because they were bored.

Yes, I came away realising that we cannot hold on to people and that you have to let go of friends who want to live their own life that does not include you, and it broke my heart. But Ralph did not break the Internet.   

Review: A Private War

For Journalists In The Thick Of War

3 stars

Mini Review:

Marie Colvin, the foreign correspondent with The Sunday Times died on the job to show us the horrors of war and to bare the truth that Assad's war is really on people - men, women and children - rather than armed militants. She was there for the truth. It's a film that makes you come home and read her reports and see the videos and pictures, and realise what cowards we are.

Main Review:

I never thought of myself as a coward. I know many journalists and activists who work with unpredictable politicians (and their goons) who could turn violent at any time. Journalists who have been threatened on social media with rape and murder. And I know women who work with at risk children, children who live in so much poverty, and crime they need that intervention from outside agencies, they need rescuing. I know women who work with really under-privilged children and educate them in order to help, create self-confidence, give them an opportunity to blossom.

Compared to these brave men and women I know, my life is pathetic. Boring almost. I watch movies for a living, and teach cinema and communication theory and cutural studies to media students. The biggest fear I face daily is the fear of being sideswiped by a car when I'm in an autorickshaw. It's a safe world.

That's why A Private War was tough to watch. Not because she was so gutsy, going out there and reporting, asking tough questions to Tamil Tigers and all that, but watching her question herself, her motives for wanting to being there amid the horror of tragedy, that drive which borders on insanity almost, that was a tough watch.  

Marie Colvin was driven by something else. And she did not walk into danger because her 'back story' as movie call it was a tragic one and she needed to 'be a hero'. In fact Rosamund Pike who plays Marie Colvin in the film shows us that she was more human than the rest of us. 

'This is not a bra, this is a La Perla!' she explains to her photographer, 'Imagine wearing bad underthings when they pull out my body from the rubble somewhere...' 

We've read Cosmo too, but this was so unexpected from someone covering war, that it showed us that she was still a woman underneath the flak jacket.

Her recurring nightmares, her denial about PTSD, her need to get back to conflict zones are all beautifully balanced in the film. There is a Hindi word that describes this. It is called, 'Zid'. A cross between passion and obstinacy, between childishness and craziness, the word 'drive' does not come close to it. But you can experience it all in the film.

Of course the stories told in the film about the people whose lives are changed by conflict are just too real and you will want to avert your eyes away from the screen. Very few mainstream movies can do that to you. I was stunned and moved and shocked. But when I came back home, it made me look at Anderson Cooper's full interview with her on CNN on YouTube. It made me read the reports she had written from the war zones. It made me realise that every day there are brave, undeniably brave journalists who risk their own lives to show us the true face of war happening somewhere else while we go about our routines unaware of tragedies around us.

Review: PIHU

50 Ways To Kill A Toddler

1 star

Mini Review:

What could happen if a two year old is at home with her mother? Nothing, unless the mom ODs on sleeping pills and then everything turns into an almost disaster for the child. An open balcony, a fridge, kitchen with knives, appliances, electrical sockets and more entice the child to certain death. Unfortunately, instead of the story, the headache inducing camera angles which can be best described as toddler cam offers unintentional horror. This simply exploits the kind feelings people have towards children. And fails.

Main Review:

It becomes an exploitative film when the filmmakers put a child in harm’s way, making everyone in the audience hold their breath. But when the film has nothing more than watching a two year old move from one part of the house to another where ordinary everyday things turn into a death trap because of creepy music.

Will It Be Caramel Or Cheese?

Is she going to slip when she’s trying to climb to up a reach a milk bottle? Or fall down just like her dolly off the balcony? You are forced to choose your favorite death trap while munching on mixed popcorn. Obviously they choose a wide eyed kid Myra Vishwakarma to make you feel that same feeling you get when you watch animals in distress but rescued videos on FaceBook. But the videos are less than three minutes long and you watch and are relieved when the rescuers arrive. This film goes on and on for over an hour and a half.

Anyone who has had a child will know that childproofing a home is the first thing you do when you bring a baby in the world. Starting with who buys glass milk bottles these days, you ask why is the iron still in the socket? This home looks like it was deliberately set out to be a disaster. Evil demons in usual horror movies will be insulted if you make it so easy to die.  

Inspired By Videos Of Naughty Kids On The Net

Then the filmmakers watch more videos of babies who turn their homes into disaster zones and now take Pihu into the kitchen. Yes, the sitting in the fridge wasn’t cute enough. Of course the roti is going to burn, of course the flames are going to be on high and by now the supposed Shakespearean milk of human kindness in your heart is dry. You are bored beyond belief. You want the real life mommy (Prema Vishwakarma) who is pretending to be dead in the movie to be slapped hard for putting her child through such nonsense.

(This review appears on www.nowrunning.com)

Review: MOHALLA ASSI

This Ghat Story Is Gutless

1.5 stars

Mini Review:

Benaras has attracted all kinds of people to its ghats. Those looking for God and those looking for ganja. The film is full of quirky characters that attempt to build an exotic India. The focal point of these characters is Pappu’s tea shop where everything from lifestyle to politics is discussed. Sunny Deol plays a priest who is a stickler about tradition and the film shows how his breed is vanishing… If only the quirkiness wasn’t tiresome and the film offered something concrete to share with the world, this film would have worked.

Main Review:

The film opens with a wonderful piece of Indian classical music (a Dhrupad composition) that is an invocation to Shiva, the resident deity of Benaras. The starting credits say that a poem (rather political in nature) by India’s finest poet Kashinath Singh is included in the film. That is classy indeed, and one is forced to sit up and take notice. But it doesn’t take long for beautiful opening shots of the city waking up to descend into the commonplace when we see a smooth-talking motormouth tourist guide Ginni (played wonderfully by Ravi Kishan) pick up tourists from the railway station and bring them into town.

The film was stuck at the Censors for six years, and you soon know why: there is politics of the temple (a politically charged kindling if you talk against it), there is the unfortunate aftermath of the breaking down of the mosque at Babri (the hero believes sentiment about the birthplace of Lord Ram is more important that the law), and the rational beings discussing these things over tea are no longer relevant. The attempt to cling on to traditions is good, but the only way the film shows the new as bad is to show foreign tourists desperate for sex, show them throwing dollars at anything Indian, and Indians so greedy for money, they will lie and cheat and cook up schemes to satisfy their needs…

The banality of the events in these tourist trap places is horrifying. A character dressed up as the God Shiva (played by Daya Shankar Pandey) takes hundred rupees for posing with tourists and 200 if they should want a stream of water flowing from his hair. The hairdresser gathers information from people he shaves as to where a ‘foreign’ woman could find decent accommodation near the Assi Ghat (the Southernmost Ghat in the city, a famous landmark of Benaras, popular with tourists and worshippers alike). The cops hapless in front of the teashop regular, literally standing on a bench pontificating about how Bhang was not a drug, but a tradition of Benaras and a religious right, because Shiva consumed it…

By the time the story comes around to saying something, you are bored. Even though they use the local virulent word for ‘bastards’ as though everyone in the film was Samuel L Jackson. And that includes the women. It was not even funny to begin with, and then it gets tedious. You wonder why they chose Sunny Deol to play Dharam Nath Pandey, a traditionalist, a priest happy to teach Sanskrit to kids for a pittance. Though Sunny is adequate in the tough guy act, the language does him in. He has worked hard on the Sanskrit diction but the whole thing seems pointless in the end. Sakshi Tanwar is the stereotypical wife, praying to the Gods and cooking for the family. The end where the adamant Pandit has to accept the non Hindu Marlene as a paying guest in his home (and hence God has left him) brings back a new Shiva home… Everyone lives happily ever after is like a nothing burger.

The ensemble cast of Tiwari-ji, Upadhyay-ji, Chaturvedi-ji, Chaubey-ji and others are played by veteran actors Saurabh Shukla, Srichandra Makhija, Rajendra Gupta and Mukesh Tiwari. But all that posing and pontificating comes to nothing. Except that you do not wish to go anywhere near religion and righteousness in a film, ever.

(This review appears on www.nowrunning.com)

                

Review: THUGS OF HINDOSTAN

Dregs Of Hindostan

1 star

Mini Review:

It’s 1795 and the British are taking over Indian principalities mostly by cheating their way. In one such instance a young princess escapes with the help of a loyal servant, grows up and avenges the death of her parents. They introduce a cheat who double crosses not only the freedom fighters but also the English. The story is straight from the bottom of the creative keg, and they take 164 minutes to bore you to death. This attempt to pirate the Caribbean franchise fails so badly, it does not blow up, the audience kicks itself to death.

Main Review:

The single star given to this film is for having the chutzpah to sell such a ghastly idea to Yash Raj Films.

Imagine if the only reaction the film gets out of the audience is the gasp when Katrina Kaif displays her shimmery backside in a Dussehra number, and the rest of the time they are too bored to even crunch popcorn loudly. Let us count the cliche ridden story:

All British dudes are bad, and their Hindi is hilarious. Clive, the very bad British dude gives speeches about the ritual of killing Ravan every year in a desperate Anglicised Hindi. When did they start caring about Indian festivals? We know he is bad because he drank tea and said, ‘Is chai mein barood ki boo aa rahi hai!’ People got paid to write this!

And they wrote and they wrote for Aamir Khan to overdo the smart talker who betrays anyone for money. They wrote so much that Amitabh Bachchan (in chains, inside a prison) actually says, ‘Bol ke maaroge kya?’ (Will you kill us with so much dialog?).   

Aamir Khan plays Firangi, a burro riding smooth talker who betrays anyone for the right amount of money. Obviously never short of surma, his exaggerated eye-popping act becomes annoying within minutes. But it’s an obvious ploy the audience can see from a mile. He infiltrates the good guys to betray them and the big good guy changes his heart. This is such a tired plot, you forgive them for putting Amitabh Bachchan in a character that is a cross of his Eklavya role mixed with Jhoom Barabar Jhoom character! This is what happens when an art director is allowed to run amok with costumes.

Of course the director is enamored with the idea of a donkey riding character, they even try and give him a little scrubbing effect on film that a DJ does when he scratches the vinyl back and forth. Three times in the introduction and I prayed that they did not do this every single time Aamir showed up on screen… Thankfully they forgot about this special effect. They had many to take care of… And horribly. The eagle that appear every time Amitabh Bachchan appears, the small burning boat that rams the big ship, the fires started by burning cannonballs, the rifle fires, the burning baddie, and of course the sets - the ships as well as the fort - look so fake you are reminded of the movies of yore when big rocks tumbling down would just bounce off because they were glorified craft projects…

So the Brits are cruel and ruling over Indians who mostly cower and hand over lagaan (I mean something like that) and there’s a bunch of freedom fighters called Azaad (yes, yes, we know it’s an idea that cannot die!), they hide all the way in Krabi and attack the Brits and steal their ships. A miracle they did not show the ships kept away as in Moana (Disney animation film 2016)… That they borrowed heavily from the Pirates of The Caribbean franchise is a given, but how badly, you have to see to believe it.

The princess Zafira (Fatima Sana Sheikh) grows up to be a country cousin to Bahubali’s princess Devasena who is awesome with bow and arrows. Thankfully she has little to show when it comes to acting, because she fails even when she avenges her parents. She blubbers into Amitabh Bachchan’s able chest, and we are saved from seeing bad acting. There goes trope of strong woman…

The other woman in this big production is Katrina Kaif who plays Suraiyya who dances and the Brits love her. So blah, you wish they had quietly slipped in a bald Sanjay Dutt nodding in approval to her ‘Chikni chameli’ redux, just to stir the audience. And as all paint by numbers movies have it, there’s a medicine woman who fixes Aamir Khan’s wound. I wished for Homer Simpson like epiphany (from Simpsons The Movie) from Aamir, but they missed that opportunity of overacting…

Khuda Baksh aka Amitabh Bachchan is given lots of opportunity to seethe and snarl and overdo it too. When they show him tied up to lethal looking contraption like Dharmendra in Sholay and Katrina dances her dussehra dance, you want to scream, ‘Basanti! In kutton ke saamne mat naachna!’ but this is not Sholay alas. There are more choreographed fight sequences danced to never ending music.     

In the end the bad Brit dude meets his end, the fort is won back and is handed to princess, the bodyguard is still alive and the smooth talking chap escapes with the ship (which is self navigating in the computer generated seas). Of all things Katrina shows up as stowaway and demands that they steer the ship to Calcutta where she wants to buy a dupatta, if you please. That is all the audience can take. Thankfully. The great Indian pirated film is over.  

(this review appears on www.nowrunning.com)     

Review: BAZAAR

Bore Bazaar

2 stars

Mini Review:

A young, small town ambitious lad reaches Bombay with just one goal. To be noticed by and work with Shakun Kothari. And he rises to such instant money and fame that it takes one move by the master to bring the apprentice down. Or does he? This beautifully produced film falls flat on its face because it has very little substance. So many films to be inspired from - Wall Street to The Big Short and even Margin Call - and the story is like Gaflat Bollywood’s first attempt to make a film on the Stock Market scam. Should have gone straight to Netflix or Amazon, perhaps.

Main Review:

The production value of this film are high. They make you believe there are places in the city where the men’s restrooms are fancy enough to have conversations, that rich people in Bombay have swimming pools, that people are still using Blackberry phones, that the Jains chant the forgiveness chant ‘Micchami Dukhdam’ all the time instead of the last day of their holy month of Paryushan (like Lent), that the only way to get to Bombay from Allahabad is by a flight...

The rest, is a horrendous bunch of cliches: a small town chap making it in the big bad city, against all odds. That a gorgeous girl at work suddenly takes interest in the small town lad, gets hot and heavy with him and even falls in love with him. He’s so smart with the stocks that he falls for ‘tips’ that come his way and he is suddenly doing ‘insider trading’ without ever being an ‘insider’. Trouble is that we have seen such fabulous films like Margin Call, The Big Short and even the old but gold Wall Street, that we just cannot buy Rizwan Ahmad as someone with street smarts. In fact, this film has practically the same story as the Bollywood film called Gaflat, made on the scandal connected with Harshad Mehta.

It’s hard to swallow that a gorgeous woman like Radhika Apte (who is made to wear strangest, the most inappropriate clothes at work) will suddenly get hot and heavy with a lad who has just had a coffee someone spat into. Why? Because she’s so impressed with his intelligence. By that logic, the boss (Denzil Smith) who gives him a job should also be getting hot and heavy with him, no? It’s such a cliched fantasy of the writer and it has failed the Bechdel test on many levels…

What’s awful is that the character breaks the fourth wall and talks to the audience ever so often. And it’s not like Kevin Spacey in the TV show House of Cards. It just comes at you to explain things like, ‘This is where it all started’ or something just as mundane. And the poor small town chap Rizwan Ahmad (played by Rohan Mehra, who looks mostly unwashed through the film) makes a serious face to talk to the audience. The inanities are so groan-worthy, you actually wait for Chitrangada Singh - who can barely move her face when she speaks - to say anything, so you can guffaw.

Saif Ali Khan plays Shakun Kothari, a ruthless money hungry Gujjubhai who doesn’t care for ethics because he knows everyone has a price. Despite his horrible attempt to speak in a Gujarati accent, to his credit, Saif Ali Khan does the best he can. His dialogue too is rife with cliches, including him calling his wife ‘ben’ (sister). Manish Choudhary gets to play the SEBI guy investigating the economic crimes and is made to run a red thread through pins on a board (connecting the dots literally, and done to death by crime shows) where articles about Shakun Kothari and pictures are placed. Ugh! Think of something else!

If you can forget how polished Saif Ali Khan really comes across, his casting is actually spot on. He wears his clothes well. But ever so often you wish you were watching him play Sartaj Singh instead and that this film had more substance and could be seen as a Netflix or an Amazon show instead. Even the Korean shows like Stranger where there is an obvious nexus between real estate tycoons and the politicians is unraveled by the good cops/prosecutors unearths the plot slowly and with surprises. Misaeng is about a guy who plays a board game (who does that?!) and applies the lessons to the stock trading. If they had to there is enough fodder for thought and to be inspired by. Alas, they just stick to writing a cliched film of which only the last twenty minutes of the hurt apprentice avenging his wrongs to bring the master down actually mean something. In fact the movie which is narrated from the open window where the lad stands on the ledge wondering whether to jump or not to jump is so boring, you wish someone from the audience could enter his space (fourth wall be damned and all that) and just push him off. It would save us the cliched, tedious watch.

(this review appears on www.nowrunning.com )