Friday, March 07, 2014

Review: Total Siyapa

no star

Totally Annoying 

Mini Review: 

The best acting came from a tall container of frozen soup. Enough said!

Main Review:

The audience would have clapped really hard had the tall container of frozen soup that went flying out of the window not just beaned but actually killed Anupam Kher who plays Daddyji. And I would have personally flung that frozen container on Mummyji, Brotherji, Sisterji, Jijaji, Grandfatherji, Bachhiji, Heroineji, Policeji, Sardarji and even the Heroji.

Looks like this otherwise affable Heroji has discovered Madhuri Dixit. Why else would he heave his chest a la Dhak Dhak song in EVERY scene? And he rolled his eyes at everything.

So did the audience.

Because nothing that was happening on screen was even remotely funny. Wait, not true. The Shahid Afridi line (which you saw in the promos) was true and funny. Especially after he hit those two sixes a la my once heartthrob Miandad in the recent Asia Cup.

And the falling container of frozen soup. I truly wish that it had rendered real harm on the writer who cooked up the intensely annoying pregnant child, the senile grandfather who touches the hero rather inappropriately, the caricaturish, stupid brother and also the 'I'm Mister Bean' cop.

Someone should have also thrown the director out of the window. The film is so slow, the slowest and the sleepiest people sitting in the theater would have guessed every joke a mile before the punchline. And to watch grandpa pee with heroji sitting on top of the cistern of the commode is a scene out there competing with scenes we have collectively puked on: Sanjay Dutt smashing idlis with his hands in a plateful of beer in Policegiri, the large breasted Kainaat Arora in Grand Masti saying,'Mere do doodh ki factories hain...

Who thinks up of such ridiculousness? The audience does not think watching anyone pee is funny, even if it is a mentally challenged Barfi (if he truly is challenged, then how would he know it is 'inappropriate to pee in the fields' and then shy away when discovered peeing by people working in the fields?)

Poor Mummyji. Kirron Kher tried so hard but even her act got stale and annoying. I'd rather watch her histrionics as a judge on a TV talent show. But she made that soup, so she's forgiven the loud crass role she had to play.

The xenophobic brother, the stupid sister (she maxed out her husband's cards on clothes, it is said. But she's shown to wear some that are so ill fitting, I did not blame the supposedly kanjoos husband for kicking her out of the house). And the research done (oh Lord! What did I expect from this film) is so flimsy you want to pound their heads with that tall container of frozen soup. A dozen roses in London today start at three pounds at Lidl's Supermarket. 

But they just wanted to remake a foreign film without using their brains! And to borrow from Dave Barry, so much of their brain space was used up by the idea of 'Let's make a Hindustan-Pakistan joke' that there was room only for ring-the-doorbell-and-run prank which even five year olds today (from either country) will label as lame. 

We saw 108 minutes of this tripe. So you won't have to suffer it. Better watch Yami in fairness cream ads. And Ali Zafar? I am sure after seeing this crappy movie, he ought to be denied entry home. 


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