was it a bad idea
on that humid
hot afternoon,
to turn
a crumpled shirt
with a brown button,
wince on a funny bone,
smudge on glasses,
arms everywhere,
undone hair,
funny moans
escaping locked lips,
taste and smell,
trembling hands,
a whispered promise
'some other time',
into a memory?
on that humid
hot afternoon,
to turn
a crumpled shirt
with a brown button,
wince on a funny bone,
smudge on glasses,
arms everywhere,
undone hair,
funny moans
escaping locked lips,
taste and smell,
trembling hands,
a whispered promise
'some other time',
into a memory?
2 comments:
hi manisha
browsing your pages for a while, but could not control myself commenting here...
Yes, you just catch it everything that is stolen-
keep writing and enjoying life.
amit
Manisha--
the strength of this poem depends a lot on the long grammatical suspension between "to turn".... [and, at last] "into a memory".
This exquisite suspension reminds me of some of the old Sanskrit (so-called secular) poems (this sense, based merely on having browsed misc. English translations); indeed it seems you mirror some of those classical technique nicely here: the trick is for the grammar to become clear only in the final stroke. (It's a question of using grammar rather like karate, one could say!)
If I may suggest a thought -- this formal technique could show itself more admirably / notably / interestingly (potentially), if employed in a sequence. In that case, the grammatical sense, and formal sense, becomes more musically explicit: i.e., when repeated in 2 or 3 same-structured poems (or verses, however one wants to construe them). I don't mean necessarily that you should do that with this. Only that, in future, if finding some similarly poised poem, the idea of a series might be considered.
cheers, d.i.
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