Review: Tevar

Yet another Zombie film...

One Star


Mini Review:

What could have been a fun small town caper film, turns into this ghastly copycat DabanngSinghamRRajkumarActionJackson filled with zombies.

Main Review:

'We're bunking to see this movie because anything will be better than Pooja ma'am's lecture' chorused the college kids who entered the first day first show (9.15am at PVR ECX) with me. The lady sitting next to me knows someone who produced the movie, 'I'm not diplomatic, so I don't get invited to previews,' she said.

Aah, well. I just might save you readers from bad cinema, I think, and I begin to fill the seat like Col. Nathan Jessop standing tall on the borders...

Not bad, I think. Hero saves the day with Kabaddi. Even though Vrajesh Hirjee is a friend and he has written and sung this Kabaddi anthem for us, I am clueless about the game. So I sort of like the hero who plays Kabaddi (despite the thigh slapping!).  

Niiice, I say, when I meet Pinki in the movie. I think she is going to be like Dee Dee (cartoon Dexter's annoying sister) or like Candace (Phineas's sister from Phineas and Ferb) ... 

Alas. the movie does not let the idea of 'Pintu Bhaag Gaya' blossom at all. I wanted to know why Pintu ran, where does he go to when he runs, how could he be kept confined to a room when his sister expects him to answer the phone which was downstairs.

But I realised that I had been temporarily blinded by Pinki and I should have remembered that this was a Hindi film after all. And not just any film, but a zombie film. Half the star awarded to this film goes to Pinki. And the second half to whoever thought up a great character quirk, a character picks out peas from her food and puts it aside. Unfortunately, this brilliant character quirk has been given to Sonakshi Sinha, who is in her zombie role.

Uff! What is this 'zombie', 'zombie' thing?

Let me explain. Zombies are supposed to be brainless. So are films like these. Zombies wander the streets, hungry for human flesh/brains. Films like these sorely need brains too. Zombies do only what zombies do. This movie too is full of stock characters and situations that go through the motions as zombies do.

As Col. Nathan Jessop whose job is to stand guard at the borders of cinema and protect you from bad movies, I have made a little checklist of zombie things and zombie people. If you find more than five in any movie this year, stay away from it:

IF A MOVIE, HAS ANY OF THESE, IT'S A ZOMBIE FILM. RUN FAR AWAY FROM IT. 

1. Small Town in the cow belt.
2. Politicians or relatives of politicians in the cow belt town
3. Good Policeman, bad policemen
4. Damsel in Distress played by Sonakshi Sinha
5. Extras running with swords
6. Extras traveling in SUVs
7. Extras who are called 'Kakdi', 'Toap', 'Burbak', 'Pehelwaan' and so on
8. Anyone wearing a gamchha (the red and white chequered scarf)
9. Anyone saying, 'Phonwa', 'Dekh Lenge', 'Thakur, 'Bhaisaab', 'Katta'
10. Ganga Aarti performed by pandit who sports big mooch
11. Bad guy as played by Manoj Bajpai.
12. Any characters called 'Bhaiyyaji', 'Bahubali', 'Bhowji', 'launda'
13. Deepti Naval wrapped in shawl playing mother
14. Holi, Mela, Not-so-giant wheels, candy floss, mithai ki dukaan, 
15. Songs with words like, 'Saiyyan', 'Pardes', 'Radhe', 'Sawan', sung Shubha Mudgal style
16. Fight Scene where villain gets slapped by hero and loses his hearing
17. Hero's horizontally challenged friend with funny name
18. Hero's over-sexed friend (so we suffer dialog like, 'Chhat par Chhed kyon kar rahe ho!')
19. Hero's joblessness
20. Someone taking credit for 'background score'

And why drag a zombie through mud and blood? Pointless last hour. Filled with cliches of fight during Holi, Rain, Small alleys...  

You know the director has an eye for detail when the camera catches picture of Krishna and Radha on the wall when they're running in the rain, how the overhead hanging light shines on the two when they're hiding from the baddies (in the rain) and so on... No matter how nice the touches are (loved how Sonakshi hides behind a door that has a chain lock), the movie begins to put your brains through a cheese grater.

Yes, what could have been a fun caper when Pintu runs away again and again, turned out to something so bad, I came out feeling rather numb.