Inter-Not-So Stellar!
2 and 1/2 stars
Mini Preview:
Bollywoodization of Hollywood is now complete! What could have been 2014: A Space Odyssey is Premwale Planet Le Jayenge.
Main Review:
(If you love Nolan unconditionally, go watch the film in IMAX for the sheer size of the vision of the man. But if you are a fan of space adventure movies, someone who spots anomalies a mile away, read on!)
The movie begins with 'Nitrogen increased in the atmosphere and crops died of the blight...'
and the primary science student so long buried under movies like Batman Begins and Inception awakens and says, 'Hold on! Isn't there already more Nitrogen in the air than oxygen?'
And then your mind races because you remember how peeing on grandpa's farm was okay because extra nitrogen in the soil from the uric acid in your pee was supposed to make beans grow like crazy, not kill crops...
But fangirl inside stomps on primary school science student saying, 'IT"S NOLAN! SHUT UP!'
And you stop wondering how they have clean water coming out from dusty taps and wait to plunge into fabulous space-scapes you saw in the trailer.
'Oi! Yeh kya hua! Indian Drone kahan se aaya?'
I don't realise that I've said it aloud because Nolan fan sitting to the left of me says, 'Just like Bane emerged from a hole in Rajasthan.' and another jaded fan to the right of me says, 'They just want to unnecessarily market the film to India. They forget we are all Nolan worshippers here!'
But wait! Cooper and his daughter arrive at NORAD gates? (Just like one loves the appearance of Stan Lee in the comic movies, I love to spot details like that on the sign on the fence) Erm... But the story is set in the midwest, is it not? And Norad tracks Santa (besides other things) from El Paso (Texas) and from Alaska, no?
But that's NASA they say, and I wonder, why is it secret? Looks like hundreds work there! Where did all those people park? Where did those people live? How come the facility looks so derelict if so many people were working there?
IT'S NOLAN! SHUT UP!
I do. But can't help wonder how the government had money to send so many manned crafts in search of life, when Wall-e the movie had advanced robot probes like EVA doing the same job years ago?
Why wasn't science growing food in covered domes and people living like The Simpsons movie dome to keep dust out?
And why hadn't people adapted to living in basements and windowless houses to keep the dust out instead of letting dust layer laptops and plates and...
IT'S NOLAN! SHUT UP!
So Cooper is going to save the world by leaving it...
But not without one token black guy, one white guy (who was it? everyone on screen was talking so much, explaining so much, I wanted to fast forward to some action!), a cool robot TARS, and yes, a saucer eyed female passenger (Ann Hathaway). And you know rightaway that the two men are going to die in this inter-galactic adventure and at least one because of the woman. And who was going to betray the cause? That's the basic Hollywood formula movie, no? How was Nolan is going to make this work?
And you want to know what Ann Hathaway is really doing on this mission because she's just doing pretend science work. She pulls out those cylinders filled with human dna from freezers to check them and puts them back.
Who chose the DNA donors? Why is she checking them so often? Do their numbers increase and decrease? Is there fear that they might mutate in space as though Jurassic Park was meeting Alien meeting Predator? And why only people DNA? Why are they not carrying seeds and water and stuff people might need on the new planet?
SHUT UP! IT'S NOLAN!
Oh yes! There's the Zimmer organ score. There are the awesome frozen clouds... And a question. Do planets survive so near the black hole? Why aren't they being sucked in? How powerful is their gravity (or centrifuge?) that keeps them in orbit around the black hole when everything else is being sucked in? What does a hole in the sky look like from the surface of the planet? Does the black hole rise and set like out moon which makes the tides? And why are the tides not being sucked into the black hole?
How come the spacecraft that lands in water seem to land in just half a foot of water, but people seem to be waist deep in it? How come they walk/wade through the water so confidently, as though they know the ground beneath the water is even and not potholed or filled with space crocodiles or space piranhas?
SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!
And then comes the facepalm moment that turns Nolan the God into Nolan the wannabe Yash Chopra/Karan Johar.
Teary eyed Ann Hathaway suggests,'Love transcends space and time.'
(I missed the gobbledegook science because I started laughing and the movie flashbacked a la Karan Johar as Nolan fans killed me with popcorn bullets.)
The Flashback:
Cooper leaves home: Mere bacchon to tumhare hawale karta hoon and daughter says, 'Tussi na jaao!'
You can imagine John Lithgow wishing for Alzheimers like Rise Of The Planet Of The Apes instead of the task of bringing up brats.
'I promise I will be back!' is not said like The Terminator, but watching Cooper wanting to go back and save his family was too Karan Johar. And Karan Johar does the 'It's all about the family' with so much ease.
Even the surprise cameo star spouts fake science about parental love and says something like 'Evolution has not transcended that one barrier...'
Parental Love was stopping humans from evolving into higher beings? What?
Here's where you wish all the corn in the movie, and not just what's in the field had been torched by Jessica Chastain, because clearly Nolan was too busy putting his larger than IMAX vision on to the screen to care how horribly melodramatic his story was turning out to be...
And yes, the Bollywoodization does not end. You can almost hear Cooper say, 'Sab kuch theek ho jaayega. Ab main aa gaya hoon.'
Then there's more love. More family. And the discovery that the black monolith in 2014: A Space Odyssey is actually made of cheesecake.
P.S. What is in the steel flask Cooper carries every time he leaves home?
2 and 1/2 stars
Mini Preview:
Bollywoodization of Hollywood is now complete! What could have been 2014: A Space Odyssey is Premwale Planet Le Jayenge.
Main Review:
(If you love Nolan unconditionally, go watch the film in IMAX for the sheer size of the vision of the man. But if you are a fan of space adventure movies, someone who spots anomalies a mile away, read on!)
The movie begins with 'Nitrogen increased in the atmosphere and crops died of the blight...'
and the primary science student so long buried under movies like Batman Begins and Inception awakens and says, 'Hold on! Isn't there already more Nitrogen in the air than oxygen?'
And then your mind races because you remember how peeing on grandpa's farm was okay because extra nitrogen in the soil from the uric acid in your pee was supposed to make beans grow like crazy, not kill crops...
But fangirl inside stomps on primary school science student saying, 'IT"S NOLAN! SHUT UP!'
And you stop wondering how they have clean water coming out from dusty taps and wait to plunge into fabulous space-scapes you saw in the trailer.
'Oi! Yeh kya hua! Indian Drone kahan se aaya?'
I don't realise that I've said it aloud because Nolan fan sitting to the left of me says, 'Just like Bane emerged from a hole in Rajasthan.' and another jaded fan to the right of me says, 'They just want to unnecessarily market the film to India. They forget we are all Nolan worshippers here!'
But wait! Cooper and his daughter arrive at NORAD gates? (Just like one loves the appearance of Stan Lee in the comic movies, I love to spot details like that on the sign on the fence) Erm... But the story is set in the midwest, is it not? And Norad tracks Santa (besides other things) from El Paso (Texas) and from Alaska, no?
But that's NASA they say, and I wonder, why is it secret? Looks like hundreds work there! Where did all those people park? Where did those people live? How come the facility looks so derelict if so many people were working there?
IT'S NOLAN! SHUT UP!
I do. But can't help wonder how the government had money to send so many manned crafts in search of life, when Wall-e the movie had advanced robot probes like EVA doing the same job years ago?
Why wasn't science growing food in covered domes and people living like The Simpsons movie dome to keep dust out?
And why hadn't people adapted to living in basements and windowless houses to keep the dust out instead of letting dust layer laptops and plates and...
IT'S NOLAN! SHUT UP!
So Cooper is going to save the world by leaving it...
But not without one token black guy, one white guy (who was it? everyone on screen was talking so much, explaining so much, I wanted to fast forward to some action!), a cool robot TARS, and yes, a saucer eyed female passenger (Ann Hathaway). And you know rightaway that the two men are going to die in this inter-galactic adventure and at least one because of the woman. And who was going to betray the cause? That's the basic Hollywood formula movie, no? How was Nolan is going to make this work?
And you want to know what Ann Hathaway is really doing on this mission because she's just doing pretend science work. She pulls out those cylinders filled with human dna from freezers to check them and puts them back.
Who chose the DNA donors? Why is she checking them so often? Do their numbers increase and decrease? Is there fear that they might mutate in space as though Jurassic Park was meeting Alien meeting Predator? And why only people DNA? Why are they not carrying seeds and water and stuff people might need on the new planet?
SHUT UP! IT'S NOLAN!
Oh yes! There's the Zimmer organ score. There are the awesome frozen clouds... And a question. Do planets survive so near the black hole? Why aren't they being sucked in? How powerful is their gravity (or centrifuge?) that keeps them in orbit around the black hole when everything else is being sucked in? What does a hole in the sky look like from the surface of the planet? Does the black hole rise and set like out moon which makes the tides? And why are the tides not being sucked into the black hole?
How come the spacecraft that lands in water seem to land in just half a foot of water, but people seem to be waist deep in it? How come they walk/wade through the water so confidently, as though they know the ground beneath the water is even and not potholed or filled with space crocodiles or space piranhas?
SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!
And then comes the facepalm moment that turns Nolan the God into Nolan the wannabe Yash Chopra/Karan Johar.
Teary eyed Ann Hathaway suggests,'Love transcends space and time.'
(I missed the gobbledegook science because I started laughing and the movie flashbacked a la Karan Johar as Nolan fans killed me with popcorn bullets.)
The Flashback:
Cooper leaves home: Mere bacchon to tumhare hawale karta hoon and daughter says, 'Tussi na jaao!'
You can imagine John Lithgow wishing for Alzheimers like Rise Of The Planet Of The Apes instead of the task of bringing up brats.
'I promise I will be back!' is not said like The Terminator, but watching Cooper wanting to go back and save his family was too Karan Johar. And Karan Johar does the 'It's all about the family' with so much ease.
Even the surprise cameo star spouts fake science about parental love and says something like 'Evolution has not transcended that one barrier...'
Parental Love was stopping humans from evolving into higher beings? What?
Here's where you wish all the corn in the movie, and not just what's in the field had been torched by Jessica Chastain, because clearly Nolan was too busy putting his larger than IMAX vision on to the screen to care how horribly melodramatic his story was turning out to be...
And yes, the Bollywoodization does not end. You can almost hear Cooper say, 'Sab kuch theek ho jaayega. Ab main aa gaya hoon.'
Then there's more love. More family. And the discovery that the black monolith in 2014: A Space Odyssey is actually made of cheesecake.
P.S. What is in the steel flask Cooper carries every time he leaves home?
1 comment:
Pretentious fucker
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