review: Kapoor & Sons

Kahani Ghar Ghar Ki

3 stars

Mini Review:

We've come a long way from Hum Saath Saath Hain to Kapoor & Sons, and boy, am I glad! Two brothers come home to be with an ailing but lusty, sprightly grandfather and end up tearing and the darning the fragile family fabric. Suffers from the second half drag in the story, but well worth a watch.

Main Review:

I've always hoped someone would remake the delightful 'Antonia's Line' some day. Our culture is perfect for the story of generations that have grown with lust, lawlessness and love, faith and compassion. We also live with family rivalries where brother can kill brother and bloodlusts go deep. But our filmmakers choose only to show 'Hum Saath Saath Hain'. We have seen fluff in the name of stories and everything is picture perfect and dressed in designer togs. With this movie, thankfully, we actually get into a dysfunctional home and learn that families are the same. It is really Kahani Ghar Ghar Ki.

Brother against brother. Timeless tales. Here, when one brother is made to feel 'second best' you understand his angst. You also appreciate how the brothers are shown to be happy together when they share a cigarette, or protect a parent. 

The parents have their own set of problems. They're trying to make ends meet, their relationship is strained, they want to keep these from the sons during the visit.

The sons and the rest of the family are getting together for the ailing grandfather's wish for a family photograph. Now grandpa is a wonderful, made-up with prosthetics Rishi Kapoor, who is the glue that keeps his family from falling apart. His twinkling eyes see everything, and he does as much as he can to keep the film breezy. When he cannot, Aalia Bhatt does. She has a home, but no family. And she offers a hand to the younger grandson Arjun (wonderfully played by Siddarth Malhotra) whose frustration is easy to identify with. Fawad Khan plays the older grandson, who is perfect and can do no wrong. I smiled to hear him called Rahul. 

Rajat Kapoor, the father of the Rahul and Arjun is in a role he can do in his sleep. But is very annoying to see an actor of his calibre do the same old role in practically every movie: a cheating husband, a frustrated family man... But his wife, played by Ratna Pathak Shah is so amazing, you forgive her choice of husband. 

The filmmakers seemed to have loved showing family arguments so much that sometimes they grate on your nerves. The Marathi play Wada Chirebandi manages these cracks in relationships in silences. But this is Bollywood's baby step taken towards showing a dysfunctional family, and all is forgiven because Aalia Bhatt is so effervescent, she brings love into the equation. And Arjun's photographer friend and his body builder brother are delightful people to watch in the film.

The second half where secrets are spilled, relationships broken and mended should have been a better watch, but the story lumbers on. You don't want to see title cards that say, 'Four Months Later', 'Four Years Later'. You take shelter in coffee. You want Aalia to come back, not to kiss the lad, but to hold hands in friendship because she is in love with lad who won't ever will love her back. The chemistry in the shady restaurant, in the shed where the 'fuse is blown' is way more than the chemistry between the other two. To understand it better, watch the movie. It drags in the second half, but we've forgiven worse mistakes.

And the movie reminded me of an ee cummings poem titled: 'anyone lived in a pretty how town'

anyone lived in a pretty how town
(with up so floating many bells down)
spring summer autumn winter
he sang his didn’t he danced his did.

Women and men(both little and small)
cared for anyone not at all
they sowed their isn’t they reaped their same
sun moon stars rain

children guessed(but only a few
and down they forgot as up they grew
autumn winter spring summer)
that noone loved him more by more

when by now and tree by leaf
she laughed his joy she cried his grief
bird by snow and stir by still
anyone’s any was all to her

someones married their everyones
laughed their cryings and did their dance
(sleep wake hope and then)they
said their nevers they slept their dream

stars rain sun moon
(and only the snow can begin to explain
how children are apt to forget to remember
with up so floating many bells down)

one day anyone died i guess
(and noone stooped to kiss his face)
busy folk buried them side by side
little by little and was by was

all by all and deep by deep
and more by more they dream their sleep
noone and anyone earth by april
wish by spirit and if by yes.

Women and men(both dong and ding)
summer autumn winter spring
reaped their sowing and went their came
sun moon stars rain


p.s. Remember to buy plain popcorn. Some tears will add the salt and the sweetness will come when you are laughing along with the characters in the film.

p.s. After watching the movie, I stepped out only to see someone from the audience try the pecs twitch. Came home giggling.

      

review: TERAA SURROOR 2

Slooww Brroody Nonnssensse


Not even worth stardust


Mini Review:

Only Himesh Reshammiya can walk in sloow mottion in reaal timme. He is an assassin who doess noot moove a musscle. This whhole moovie is so baad, eeven still shhots plaayed at filmm speedd will give us morre aaction. Whhy did Naseeruddin Shah, Kabir Bedi, Shekhar Kapur stoop soo loww?

Main Review:

Land mines buried in Earth have more acting talent than the entire cast of this ridiculousness.

One can actually picture how these actors prepped for the movie:

Naseeruddin Shah: Do you know who I am? I will not move an inch. I will deliver your insane dialog sitting in one place.

Kabir Bedi: I will be head of police, but will not wear Khaki. It's not my color.

Shekhar Kapur: I want to travel foreign country, and I'm claustrophobic so I don't want to be shown sitting in a diplomatic office. It's okay to show me walking about beside trams.

Monica Dogra: If I have to call anyone 'My almost ex husband' then you'd better show me as skilled labor in foreign country. And I want a good hair person.

Vague Heroine: If I have to walk about showing my midriff in every frame in a country where everyone is trussed up in woollens, then take me foreign with castles. (She says this in sign language because the audience does not know if she can speak anything other than: I don't want to talk about it.) 

(Director's note: No emoting is required, madam, just hide your face in Himeshbhai's manboobs, or attempt to look far away when I say, 'Meena Kumari!')

Shernaz Patel: Can I simply hold my head with my hands and cry? Also I want breakfast.

Himesh Reshammiya, Hero: I'mm brrooody, duudess. Bass, I will lookk deepp intoo cameraa. Yahii meraa magiic haii. Pluuss Gyym memmbbership liyaa hai toh boddy diikhhanna paddegga.

(Director's note: I will use so many cuts, so many flashlights you just raise gun sideways and ek hee saath, eight people can be killed. The dying people will be reaction shots in slow motion. Flmfare bas mera hai, this year!)

Villain: Please, please, please can I do, 'Ataa Majhi Satakli?' Please, please? 

(Director's note: Isko kidhar se laaya be? ok.)

Himesh Reshammiya, Music Director: People still love my songs. Remix. I'm superhit.

White Foreigners in the film: Tsk, Tsk.

Indians in Dublin: Paagal hai kya? Hum ghar par hee theek.

Dialog writer: If you don't take me to foreign, then I'm giving you only three pieces.

(Director's note: Yes bhaisaab! We will make you famous by putting them in trailer)

Dialog writer: Please add scene where Himeshbhai shows how Azamgarh ka tamancha is better than U2 ki Guns and Roses.

(Director's note: You mean Clint Eastwood ki Magnum! And no, we cannot call this movie Guns 'N' Roses. If we do, Slashbhai has promised to start rumor that he's dead)

The only thing that keeps you awake in the movie is Himesh Reshammiya's music. It's remixed, but still original. 

The rest is like I said, makes stepping on land mines a better proposition.



p.s. The story? Himeshbhai is a broody assassin who makes out with exotic dancer, confesses to his wife to be. Wife to be is pissed off and books her tickets to Ireland to be with her Facebook friend. Sauce for goose is sauce for gander, no? In Ireland she lands and cops find drugs on her, jail her. Nobody believes she was carrying books for her facebook friend, who never meets her. Himeshbhai goes on rescue mission. His help? Naseeruddin Shah who chooses to live in a jail and run his 'how to escape from jails' business. Himesh follows advice, writes 'cut wrist' on his baniyan and shows cleavage to his girl in jail. Girl escapes with Himeshbhai. We see picturesque Ireland. But after reaching coast, Himeshbhai tells girl, you go alone. I'm going to kill the guy who did this to you (HOLE in PLOT: How does Himeshbhai know Facebook Frand is in Dublin only?) Anyway, he finds villain, plays Russian Roulette and kills baddie by cheating. Both return home. Himeshbhai is free to brood again.  

p.s. prediction: 'Cut Wrist' baniyaans are going to shake up e-commerce in India.



    

review: GLOBAL BABA

HOLY HELL!

2 stars

Mini Review:

A bunch of talented actors - Abhimanyu Singh, Sanjay Mishra, Pankaj Tripathi, Akhilendra Mishra and even Ravi Kissen - come together for a satire on the 'Baba culture'. A film that is sometimes sharp but mostly overdone. Perfect timing for a movie, what with a colossal 'global cultural festival' being conducted by a spiritual baba at the cost of the environment...

Main Review:

If this film weren't so garish and in your face, it would have been a sharp commentary about scammy Babajis, their political machinations and a host of stupid 'followers'. We have loved Oh My God where Paresh Rawal gave us a memorable, witty Kanjibhai who sues God. Aamir Khan's PK mirrored the problem of people blindly following Gods and godmen. We have seen our political leaders fall at the feet of Godmen, win elections on the platform that they will build temples and establish superiority of one religion by razing the place of worship of another. We spend thousands on pilgrimages and offer hard earned money because we invest in a supposed 'afterlife'. 

The filmmakers may not know it, but the timing of this release is perfect. A spiritual baba with millions of followers will be hosting a 'Global Cultural Festival' on the banks of the Yamuna, building parking lots and stage on the river with no regard for the environment and with the consent of god-fearing politicians...

The story of this movie takes off very rapidly. We see a police officer trapping a criminal in an 'encounter' situation who escapes (but of course!) and is helped by babas downstream. His associate has figured out that religion is the business to be in. And they get into the 'baba' business and soon put everyone else out of business. 

My trouble with the movie starts here. The two do not seem to have a brain between them, and yet they figure out a con that expands and expands and expands. They look more like someone's henchmen. So for them to have figured out this con seems to be very unlikely. It needs a team to run a spiritual foundation.

But there are less sophisticated babas whose ashrams are not 'designer minimalistic yoga retreats' but full of marigold and color and bhajans and chanting. 

The filmmakers choose the latter and show us all possible cliches. The maroon robes for certified bhakts, scantily dressed massage ladies headed by a Bollywood gay bhakt, the money counting machines, shady gun deals for the Defence Minister (no less!), milk and rose petal baths for Global Baba even darshan lines organised. If you can look beyond some of them (I groaned, others gagged) the story is actually quite clever.

The exchange between Police Chief Jacob and Global Baba starts out with a 'catch me if you can' and ends menacingly with, 'The animal people of your faith eat is sacred to us. Imagine what will happen to the fragile peace which holds the community right now, should I choose to make a little speech about it?'

There's lots of ugly flotsam and jetsam in the film. How does Global Baba's original associate Damru Baba suddenly turn lecherous? The baby babble and lisp is cute and creepy, but why did they make him lecherous too? Just ugly unnecessity. Why does Bhola Pandit (the ex most-popular baba) give up the fight for being better baba so easily? The journo with a sob story, the creepy double crossing politician make this movie less than Oh My God or even PK.

The why have I given it Two Stars instead of just a One or even a half?

One Star for the best timing ever (I am given to understand that the film went through the censors long time ago), what with the well connected babaji flouting every rule for his cultural fest.

Second is the star for choosing a topic and making you realise that despite news about babajis going to jail for rape, and drugs and lies, people still flock to these ashrams for spiritual guidance. The satire could have been sharper and better written, but then we say that about so many movies... Maybe you will watch it when they play it on tv.

  

review: RACE

10 Seconds To Win Gold, 
2 Hrs and 14 Minutes To Win Hearts

2.5 stars

Mini Review: 

This is a heart warming tale of an Olympian, Jesse Owens, a young man who struggles to achieve his dreams of becoming a champion athlete and he does, winning not just the race against the competitors from around the world but also the race of color which meant all kinds of discrimination and victimization. It's a movie that deserves to be seen, tax-free.

Main Review:

'In those ten seconds, there is no black or white, there is only win or lose.' Jesse explains to the man from NAACP who is trying to persuade Jesse from refraining participation in the Berlin Olympics to show solidarity with oppressed Black people in America and others discriminated against elsewhere.

You have seen how awful, vicious and rampant the discrimination against African American people was in so many movies. Even today America has not been able to offer true equality and is struggling to support equal rights with hashtags like Black Lives Matter. We Indians can be just as racist and casteist and communal. So this movie brings us all a message of hope and is like a prayer because it puts sports above such petty politics. In fact, when Carl 'Luz' Long, the European Champion behaves like all sportsmen should, you feel a lump in your throat.

A Black man winning not one but four gold medals at the Olympics, right under the superior nose of Adolf Hitler was a slap to the Reich. And the architect of the games Joseph Goebbles (is it legal for the bloke playing him to be so handsome!) makes his displeasure felt as he forces the Americans to drop the two Jewish athletes...

But what keeps you glued to the seat is the marvelous coach-student relationship. Jason Sudeikis is Larry Snyder, coach at the Ohio State University. He makes Jesse into the winner that he becomes. The journey of the coach - who could have been an Olympian, and the student - who could be an Olympian if he does not allow the pressures from his family, his Race get in the way of winning, is amazing. 

We watched 'Bhaag Milkha Bhag' not so long ago and some of us came back hating the song and dance and the extended romance in what was meant to be a sports movie. But when you see Jesse Owens wait in the rains to persuade his reluctant girl to marry him, you want to go step into the story, right into the shop and ask her why she's making him wait out in the rain for so long.

Hollywood knows how to keep even the training simple and believable. Easier to believe Jesse running through a dingy neighborhood than watching Bollywood Milkha Singh drag a tyre in picturesque Ladakh.

The politics of Olympics at that time in America is shown marvelously as a debate between Jeremy Irons and William Hurt. Both sides present a logical argument. But even better is how Hitler's personal favorite Leni Riefenstahl is shown negotiating between Goebbels and the Americans.

Yes, it is a predictable tale of a sports person. But what is worthy is watching how impeccable his manners are, and how he has to fight a battle to remain honorable throughout his life. Jesse Owens was not recognised by his nation as amazing once, I hope he will earn much more now that his story is being told, and so beautifully.





.    

Review: JAI GANGAAJAL

2 and half hour selfie from a wannabe Kamal Haasan 

1/2 star

Mini Review:

Prakash Jha has done a Dashavataram to us. Not only has he rehashed the original Ganga Jal, but diluted it by appearing in every frame, every scene, all through the movie, and ruining it by pretending to know this thing called acting.

Main Review:

He is so bad, he's the villain (Oh, wow!). 

He's so sneaky, he can appear in every scene (whoah!). 

He's a crack shot, and can shoot a baddie from a hundred paces (wow!).

He's contrite, he's the good uncle, he makes deals with bad guys, he can make things 'all right', he knows how to persuade villagers to sell their land, he also has a big heart beating inside of him which turns him into a good cop (super wow!). 

He has integrity and has principles (wow!) which put him the center of the scene where he's surrounded by baddies and he gets to spout out blood like Amitabh Bachchan when he's punched by the bad Vidhayak (Manav Kaul) which lands him in the hospital. But wait for the 'wow!' reaction.

He steals the thunder from under Priyanks Chopra's pretty nose by speaking the best dialog: 'Vardi ko haath nahi lagana' (wow!) 

(Damn! he heard that 'wow' from the audience, and says it not just once but three times!)

He's so good, Priyanka Chopra visits his bedside, wide-eyed and grateful and she says,'You are so good! You have hid the files and the kid so well, nobody in the police force has been able to find them,' and he smiles a wan smile, 'Yeh to mera farz tha!'

Now you can say, 'Wow!' until you choke because all this talk about 'Farz' is so 'Farzi' and 'acting' as if he's terribly injured, but you see him ready to fight in the next scene. 

Priyanka Chopra is showcased with makeup in every frame. She looks like pretty accessory. And that's what she ends up being. What's more, when she's having a conversation with another officer, beating up baddies or reading files, the super cop-director steps in, even though he doesn't have to say anything. He gobbles up practically every frame of every scene by being there. 

Ajay Devgn was awesome as the upright police officer and even the bad cops Yashpal Sharma, Mukesh Tiwari, the other helpless cops and the big bad guy Mohan Joshi were great in their own way. Even the story, where locals take law into their own hands and pour acid into the eyes of who the public deems guilty, is a better story than people lynching baddies in public. Here Prakash Jha wants to be every cop. This Dashavataaram fails.

Never before has one wanted the bad guy to beat the hero to death. This time you will find yourself cheering for the baddie, and swing an imaginary hockey stick at the super cop-director yourself. 

This is such a colossal waste of money and talent like Manav Kaul, Murli Sharma (why did the pressers say he was 'effiminate'? Because he wore nail polish in one scene?) and most of all, Priyanka Chopra. Most people wanted to see Priyanka Chopra in action. Not this self-indulgent, needless self-promotion. 


p.s. We should not say 'wow' and more but vow to watch Quantico because poor Priyanka Chopra...

Review: 13 HRS: THE SECRET SOLDIERS OF BENGHAZI

So Many Cliches 13 Hrs Are Not Enough


1.5 stars


Mini Review:

With all due respect to the soldiers and the ambassador who lost their lives in the vicious attacks at BenGhazi. But the film is full of cliches as read in Commando comics of yesteryear, and war film tropes you have seen ever since cinema was invented. Wait for it to show up on cable.


Main Review:

For thirteen hours eight soldiers on contract saved the secret CIA base no one was supposed to know exists, in a gunbattle to rival all gunbattles, these brave soldiers fought wave upon wave of gun totting, America hating, armed to the teeth locals. They got no air support from any of the American bases and no help from the local affiliates who were bribed and primed for such an attack.

This incident took place when Libya was just discovering life after Gaddafi. And what we see on screen is nothing short of a miracle. But this is not as savage as Black Hawk Down, or as sharp as Hurt Locker. This is a beautifully shot predictable film you have seen so many times.

The soldiers are gruff, rough and roguish, and yet they all have softer sides when they Skype with their families. You know the one soldiers with the cutest, chubbiest baby will die.

The Station Chief hates having these soldiers around because his CIA men and women are Harvard educated data analysts, and they don't want to be seen as participants in a conflict. You know he will be grateful when the soldiers he hates save his life.

There will be a gentle person not connected with the combat who will do heroic things. You know he or she will show extraordinary courage or add a bit of humor to the serious stuff that is happening in the movie.

There will be men who look like thugs and might just be the kingpin baddies. You know they will turn out to be 'friend' nor foe, and help soldiers.

The terrorists will be better equipped and the American soldiers will fight with clever tactics and win. You know you will facepalm at the obviousness of their 'clever' solution. 

There will be one nervous soldier who will do exactly the opposite of what is said to him. You know he will turn right when he's been told to go left. And also the Ambassador will be trapped in the strongroom... What good is a strongroom that can be set on fire?

There will be nervous soldier who will not find the right buttons to switch off when ordered. He will admit on the radio that he's nervous. You know it's a cheap tactic to keep you saying, 'Oh no!' and then at the last vital second he will find the right button to switch the lights off.

Even in deaths, there are so many cliches you would laugh had it not been a real story.

You know what the soldiers have faced in unknown parts of the world, fighting unknown people for causes that seem distant... You respect them. But the movie is too long drawn to earn any of that. Such a pity...  

Review: LONDON HAS FALLEN

London has fallen and nobody want to pick it up!


1/2 star


Mini Review:

Gerard Butler has a great hundred pack. Of carbines. To pump never ending bullets into a city filled with terrorists. He drags the terrified POTUS along with him, and destroys everything he goes through. And his film destroys London with very, very bad CGI. 


Main Review: 

Someone please tell Gerard Butler that it's not cute to play a first-time father, who is gruff Secret Serviceman again and again. We Indians are used to watching Salman Khan pretend he's 25 and romance a 21 year old. We are used to watching Aamir Khan play naked alien, but given how amazing an older Clint Eastwood was running alongside the President's vehicle without pretending to be young, it's a bit much to watch Gerard Butler destroy so much property in the name of killing terrorists and saving the President.

It's really funny to see him take out carbine after carbine to empty it into the bad guys. In which secret pockets did he keep them? 

It's also stupid and silly to see poor Aaron Eckhart being dragged into the den of terrorists because Gerard wants to finish them off. In fact the President even protests: Why are we going to the embassy? You know they will ambush us!

Butler replies: Precisely.

You have stopped rolling your eyes, because you liked how the motorbike borne terrorists died spectacularly. But the rest of the bullet-fest is stupider than the Koreans attacking the White House.

And it's a bigger sin to destroy London with bad CGI. 

The story is so laughable, you wait for the stupidity to end.

WE DON'T HAVE POWER!

The terrorists have generators! 

WE HAVE POWER!

The rest of the city is in darkness.

WHAT HAPPENED TO THE CCTV CAMERAS?

The real answer: it's like Bombay. They're set up, but not connected.

While you laugh at the hecklers, the movie has destroyed your faith in action movies. Might as well stay at home and watch the news channels. 


 p.s. India mein hota toh Gerard Butler ki blanket daal ke dhulai karte. but not before you fix his sandpaper voice with Strepsils. We want to hear him scream in agony.

Review: ZUBAAN

Zubaan Says One Thing, Brain Another

2 stars


Mini Review:

A gentle, young lad who sings in the Gurudwara in Gurdaspur with his dad, leaves his past behind and becomes tougher under the protection of a real estate tycoon in Delhi. But this carpetbagger needs saving, and an uber urban angel shows up, toked up to bring the lad to the righteous path. All the groanworthy scenes are covered brilliantly by the music that's magical.


Main Review:

Spiritual music explodes like a little black hole in your heart and sort of expands to suck in all logic. So while the music seeps inside you, you watch as the gentle boy with a great smile becomes this rough young man who gives up on his past. He's come to Delhi because he wants to be like his childhood mentor, who taught him to never give up. 

How the young man infiltrates into his mentor's work life as well as his home is a tale worth watching. He has long learned to live with abuse - for his stammering. And now he learns to live with the abuse from his mentor's son... 

Vicky Kaushal, whom you saw in Masaan, is an earnest performer as Dilsher the young man from the village. You don't like what he does to get to the top, but you understand his motivation. The mentor, played wonderfully by Manish Chaudhari is a clever man too. He has a different set of motive to allow the young man from the village to enter his work life and home life. The love hate relationship the mentor has with his son and the adoration of Dilsher is a wonderful triangle. 

But when the son spouts rubbish about the family pet dog and why he killed the poor thing, you want to roll your eyes and tell him to shut up. Why would he explain himself to someone who has been beaten up? Isn't it enough that he hates the fact that his dad likes Dilsher? Remember Sid from Toy Story? He steals toys and creates mutant versions, but they don't give explanations why he's like that. Gabbar Singh in Sholay is a bad guy. He doesn't confesss to a back story of deprived childhood to reason away his 'badness'. The mentor's son looks like he's had too many sessions on the couch and is throwing explanations of his behavior to everyone.  

The film loses even more connect to reality, in fact. it plummets the film into 'what the...' territory when Dilsher meets the uber urban chick Amira (played by Sara Jan Dias). Rich and drugged and drunk, Amira invites Dilsher to a night in the desert celebrating the life of Dhruv tara... When you watch this indulgence you wonder what the filmmakers were smoking themselves. In fact every encounter with Amira is made out to be weird and wonderful but is all half-baked nonsense. And anyone who has ever been drunk or drugged out of their brains all night will tell you how waking up in the morning stone cold sober, driving and offering homilies like 'Tumhari zubaan kuch keh rahi hai' is well nigh impossible.

The heart of the film is in the right place. When Dilsher learns that his own machinations to become as much a 'lion of Gurdaspur' are nothing compared to how he has been used, he takes refuge in music. Yes, he turns into a male version of Amira, though less drugged. 

You are just glad the self indulgent film is over. You do wait for the song to end. You admit that the idea of 'Zubaan kuch kehtee hai' is a great idea: He does not stammer when he sings (the actor forgets to stammer as the movie progresses, but then the film has other problems which are bigger). Zubaan is saying the right things, the heart of the music is beating perfectly. I wish the brains were connected too...


  

Review: TERE BIN LADEN DEAD OR ALIVE

Silly Fun! Almost.


1 star


Mini Review:

You know this is a terrible film. It has all kinds of racist jokes. It has stupid gags. But you laugh at the sheer bravado of the writing. It has this, 'I dare you to keep a straight face!' kind of childish thing... And some jokes do make you laugh. Their tongues might be firmly in their cheeks, but you come away gritting your teeth mostly.

Main Review:

It's a sequel to a funny one trick pony idea wallah film. It's been years since the big bad dude Osama was killed. What is it that they could now say that is funny?

The film starts out on a very dull, predictable premise, and your eyes glaze over the scenes where the real producers of the film are seen listening to a narration from a hopeful filmmaker. But before you yawn, David DoSomething shows up on screen. Whiter than white and ready to serve his country.

When the President of the United States cannot get Osama out of his head, he calls on David to come and save the day. Shazam! David Chaddha.

The transformation is so gasp inducing, you look away from the screen, and grin helplessly as you see a big mole being attached. The mole gag is clever, but used too many times to be funny...

Meanwhile in Osama bhakt land, Khaleel the Mujahid is the head of a terrorist gang. He knows he needs Paddi Singh and a fake video to prove Osama is alive. David needs to film proof that Osama is dead. Mayhem ensues because both the CIA (that's 'Cinema In Amrika' for you ignorant multitudes, you!) and Khaleel the terrorist want Paddi Singh.

Almost hilarity happens when the two rival teams cross each other in cars marked 'CIA 2' and another with number plates 'POK 1971'.

The tussle for Osama Lookalike could be fun. But a little predictable. Some bits like Chirag using the supposedly fake gun killing the security guard are really funny. But Paddi Singh kissing the dead guard is plainly not. The cameo by Ali Zafar is pointless and pukeworthy (the song 'Six Pack Abs' could prove to be the worst songs of the year).   

In the 'Not funny', 'Waste of time' checklist are pointless events like 'Vehshat' Olympics for mujahids. The funniest gag about the suicide vest is relegated to the credits.

You do laugh at certain 'Pjs' but it is never a thigh-slapping, snort the cola out of your nose laugh. Wait for it to show up on cable, then judge it for yourself...


p.s. Sikander Kher in this new avatar is funny. 

Review: ALIGARH

An Outsider Amongst Us


3.5 stars


Mini Review:

A quiet man at the University suddenly finds himself in the spotlight and he does not like it. How can a life be reduced by one word? Slogans and help are raised in other parts of India to help him. But then his pain is his own. And even then he knows he's the outsider. Alone. This is a tale of nuances and Manoj Bajpayee's performance is a masterclass. Unmissable.

Main Review:

If you googled Professor Srinivas Ramchandra Siras, you would open page after page after page of how we as a society failed an individual. And we continue to do so even today. The state hides behind ancient laws, and we hide behind homophobia instilled into us by years of false information propagated by self-interest groups.

A man who was doing his job quietly for over twenty years, away from home and family for thirty is singled out for being different. And it is done so shamefully, a young journalist driven by the need to see how the professor is faring. What the young journalist discovers is a man who is gentle and eccentric and old. And a victim to a systematic conspiracy to humiliate him.

Through the young reporter's eyes, we meet Professor Siras. Rajkummar Rao does a wonderful job to represent all of us, who have so much sympathy for someone who has been unfairly treated. How cleverly the script takes that sympathy and turns it into empathy! We find ourselves drowning in moments that are made unforgettable by Manoj Bajpayee.

'Aapki nazron ne samjha pyaar ke kaabil mujhe' is the song that comes out from the red two in one, and professor Siras is sitting in front of that altar of songs that mean so much. To watch Manoj Bajpayee lost in that song is a treat indeed. It's like being in a masterclass of acting. That song suddenly becomes more than just a love song. It's a cry for acceptance.

If there was any scene that should be put into a time capsule for posterity, a scene you should put into a textbook as essential for acting, this would be it.

Also the loneliness of this man, who lives in an apartment that has grills on windows everywhere, three locks on the door... No one can miss it. It is there for everyone to see. The loneliness of being Prof. Siras.

Manoj Bajpayee's persona seems to shrink in every scene, as though he is embarrassed to be there. When he's sitting at the doctor's to have his blood pressure checked, when he's sitting in his own home - his body language shows he gathers himself from occupying more space than needed. 

Imagine living an entire life hiding from people, on the fringes, afraid to breathe. Imagine being pushed out of your comfort zone, your home, unceremoniously. Again and again. And not when you are young and resilient, but when you're older and ready to retire. 

The easy bond that develops between the journalist and the professor is so natural, you forget that the professor has been accused of 'unnatural acts', you only understand the need of this quiet man to belong to someone, to belong to a society, to not be labled 'an outsider' in your own hometown. 

Does Aligarh even consider him as one its own? 

'Bachelor hoon baba! I have to cook for myself!'
'I am very much disturbed'
'We are brahmins, and you touched the daal...'

Manoj Bajpayee manages these very simple speech inflections of a Marathi person so easily and naturally, that it is hard to imagine him as a lecherous bad guy in Gangs Of Wasseypur of the boxer shorts-clad ruffian from Tevar. 

The best scene in this film is very understated and conversational. And it happens on a boat. If I could jump into the movie and hug the man in complete delight that his one gesture expressed, it would be how professor Siras reacts to Deepu Sebastian, the journalist wanting to take a picture. 

The conversation has been reported by every one who has seen the movie. 'How can a word with three letters define my life?'

Did Professor Siras struggle with being labled 'gay'? Did he not know he was not considered to be 'normal' in this judgemental world? He's told by the lawyers who are helping him fight his suspension that it's not 'a gay' but just 'gay'

He does not seems to have any space for the rest of the world. He is lost. He should have been left alone. He would have written more poems like the ones he recites from his book 'Grass under (my) feet', listened to Lata Mangeshkar songs, had his couple of drinks, taught and faded away. But the insidious campaign to malign him broke him and what we see on the screen is so tragic, your heart wells up in empathy. How can we as a society not let live?

The film is an important one because it questions everyone's role in the death of this quiet man.

The TV crew who barged into his home and filmed him in what should have been confined to his bedroom, the neighbors who watched his eviction without saying anything, his colleagues at the University who did nothing, the students who did nothing, the newspapers who printed salacious stuff without fact checking, the people who read that news and did not care what effect it had on a man's life...

The film has a wonderful support cast as well. The scared Professor Sridharan, who wants Siras to conform, Ashish Vidhyarthi as the lawyer who is fighting for Siras' rights and of course, the young journalist played by Rajkummar Rao who writes about the professor's rights. But the film undeniably belongs to Manoj Bajpayee.

I did not understand why the film claims to be a work of fiction when it uses real names, places and speaks of events that took place... And when the events seem to be frozen in a gasp, you sort of wish the film had shown us what was going on inside his head. That takes away from the greatness of this endeavor...

The film raises a question about basic rights as human beings. Who decides what is normal and allowed and legal? It will inspire many more to stand up for the rights of those who are not in the majority.

What amazes me is how the loneliness of this man is made evident again and again in the film. From the obvious scenes of his detachment in the courtroom to how he shuts himself from the world in his own home, to the subtle yet obvious song he sings at the party celebrating his win at the courts: 'Me maz harapun basale ga!'

'I have lost myself (in Krishna)' sings a lovelorn gopi. A fitting song for someone who is not really present in this world, and yet...

Review: GODS OF EGYPT

CGI: 10. Gerard Butler: 0


1/2 star


Mini Review: 

If the Gods of Egypt were real, they'd object to such a stupid idea behind the movie. It has superb special effects, but an inexcusable story that has been written by people who thought this was a video game. Even video games are smarter than this drivel dressed up in glitter...


Main Review:

Idiotic to think giant sized Gods choose to live among their creation - men. They can change their form and they choose to, 'Whoooosh!' grow wings. They don't build buildings to honor Sun god Ra or simply to live. They have an architect Urshu, who employ slaves to build stuff. Or is that they only make dust pyramids that they trust all the building to mortals?

So Osiris (am so sure he was wearing glasses) is all set to give up his throne to his silly, bratty son Horus (Jamie Lannister from the TV show Game Of Thrones) who seems to not really deserve the honor or care. But he bathes for it (and it's weird to see how small the 'mortals' really are) and you begin to roll your eyes.

Of course the bad guy shows up. Set (Gerard Butler in a weird Predator like costume), the god of Darkness who lives in the desert (weird, even creators of Hindu mythology got it right, bad guys live in Pataal or Narak. Desert?) and kills everyone who doesn't want to be enslaved by him (even the gods!) and blinds Horus...

Am I giving away the plot? 

Let me stop laughing before I continue. 

Bek a mortal, is a thief, who is at the crowning ceremony with his girlfriend, who is enslaved by the architect in the ensuing chaos. The thief rescues her but she gets shot by the boss (remember Obergruppenfuhrer John Smith from the TV show Man In The High Castle?) And now the thief needs Horus's help in bringing her back from the land of the dead. The thief has entered Set's treasury and stolen Horus's eye because he wishes to save his girl from slavery. Now he uses the eye to bribe Horus into getting his girl back.

Set realises his treasury has been burgled and sends creepy bull and goat monsters to get the thief back. Realises that Horus is with the 'mortal'. Yells and kills the bull monster. You are wondering why he sent these monsters when he's an all powerful god? 

Anyway, Horus and Bek set out on a journey to bring the girlfriend back. This is where we stop rolling our eyes and watch awesome CGI magic. This is also where we shake our heads sadly because it is like some primitive video game.

Level One: Ruins of Osiris's garden where snake monsters have to be fought, Horus learns lesson about humanity (sometimes it is smarter to run!)... Bonus point? Horus's girlfriend Goddess of Love joins the quest

Level Two: Knee deep river waters... Nothing happens in the waters (or does it? Who cares!), but they have to reach Toth, the God of Wisdom, who needs to join the journey so that he can help solve the riddle of the sphinx...

Level Three and Four: Baddies sent by Seth attempt to stop the little group. They are beautiful settings.

Level Five (or was it level 2?): Horus goes to his grandfather's boat in the sky and takes the waters of creation. Drops of these could shut Set's gigantic burning hole to the centre of the Earth and Set would lose his power. 

The story becomes so implausible, you don't care any more. Of course nothing goes to plan, Set breaks the little vial of celestial waters, kills old man Ra (Geoffrey Rush!) and plunges the world into darkness. 

You realise that it doesn't matter at all. Whether Bek and Horus will save the world or Set will continue to talk like someone cleaned his throat with sandpaper and that he's never heard of Strepsils. You are weary of sudden swoosh of wings, and gold being spilled. You just want Hindu gods show up with their multitasking hands and finish the job. 

Why Hollywood picks Gerard Butler is a mystery even Mr.Holmes will not ever solve.   



  












  

Review: THE REVENANT

It's deCaprio Vs deCrude People, deCruel Nature, deCoarse Beast!


3.5 stars


Mini Review:

Grunt. deCaprio. Grunt. Bear. Grunt. deCaprio. Grunt. Tom Hardy. Grunt. Bear. Grunt. deCaprio. Grunt. Horse. Grunt. Indians. Grunt. deCaprio. Grunt.


Main Review:

Let's bow down to Innaritu first. With The Revenant, he creates a visual masterpiece. Sweeping vistas of snow and mountains and forests and grey skies with a cold, ineffective Sun assault your senses. Long tracking shots that follow fighting Indians and trappers on horseback remind you of Innaritu's masterful craftsmanship. Ryuichi Sakamoto's distinctive sound design keeps you on the edge of your seat. Even in the moments where deCaprio is dreaming, the music is so haunting, it stays with you.

It's time to explain the 'grunts'. Had the cinematography not been so captivating, I would have counted the grunts that pass off for Hugh Glass' s (Leonardo de Caprio) speech. We understand that it is the 1800s and the language must have been crude, but so many grunts? Yes, he is hunting bears, and the bear turns around and attacks him. 

The attack is so brutal, so vehement, even though at the back of your head you know that the bear is special effects, you gasp and look away. You wonder why he doesn't play dead. You wonder where he gets the strength and the viciousness? Were these trappers as savage as the the animals they hunted?

The real account of Hugh Glass comes alive in the movie. We have trappers being chased by Indians and they discover that their best tracker has been injured. They decide to leave food and a couple of people with him. One of them is the scariest person (beside the bear) the filmmaker can dream up. He's rough and crude and unwilling to take care of someone who he dislikes. And that's an understatement. He's so unfeeling and brutish, he kills.

And that's when you realise this incomprehensible man is Tom Hardy. He gives impetus to de Caprio to avenge what is lost. But de Caprio needs to recover his strength. It should have taken him longer, but at two and a half hours, the movie already makes you feel the pain. 

How his need to avenge drives him to finding out where the trappers now are is a journey that is as hellish as the snows are pristine. You stretch secretly and instinctively to make sure your bones aren't frozen in the theater. So powerful is the film that your sense of the comic forgets to count the grunts. You hope that he either gets his revenge or dies. The story flags a bit with repetitive hallucinations and the journey through the snow. But the violence and the gruesome encounters with beast and man and nature keep you staring at the screen.

For emotionally uplifting movies about wilderness treks, watch something else. This movie will put the fear of god into you and you'll think twice about snow-shoe holidays in touristy places too. And you'll look over your shoulder for bears. Even in the city.




  

review: SPOTLIGHT

Investigative Journalism At Its Best

4 stars

Mini Review:

When a newspaper unearths a scandal that could shake up core beliefs, they don't sweep it under the carpet for fear of reprisal from Head Office or loss of advertising. They follow it through and create a shakedown that extends across the country and the rest of the world. The best film about journalists after All The Presidents Men


Main Review:

'How can you say no to God?' asks a victim. The journalist is gobsmacked as are we. Spotlight - the investigative team from The Boston Globe - has stumbled upon a secret that will shake up not only the largely Catholic city but would raise questions on the conduct of an institution that ought to be above and beyond reproach.

Priest who abuse are not an unknown to India. We tend to put God above country as well. Priests have been cast as villains in so many Bollywood movies that a storyline like Spotlight seemed to be... Umm... Nothing new. But when you begin watching, you realise that this is more powerful than you first thought. It is a superb ensemble cast that works a miracle. 

The new editor is Jewish. Did no one say anything about religious agendas then? Imagine Spotlight in India with a Sikh/Muslim/Christian editor? Imagine dharnas and effigy burning and chaos...

The Archbishop presents the editor with a book of Catechism... And you think, 'Niiiiiiiice!'

The victims are either too young to understand or they have grown up to be mal-adjusted adults.

'How can you say no to God?' the plaintive question takes on new meaning with every door that is slammed on the journalists seeking an answer. 

The movie reminds one of the stunning El Club, a Chilean film about disgraced priests who live quiet lives in a seaside town when their lives are disrupted by a disturbed individual who claims he was abused by one of the residents.

In Spotlight, we see how systematically the journalists find out how the Archdiocese is involved. 

When it comes to faith, it's a tough call to take. And even though the team begins the investigation on a logical note, the journalists discover how close they are to the crimes. A house in the neighborhood, an old high school friend... And the pressure on them to stop pursuing the matter is relentless. It comes from all sides. 

You realise that your fingers have been crossed and that you feel as defeated as the team is when things don't work... This has not happened for a long, long time. You almost cheer when Mark Ruffalo hands eighty-seven dollars to the man at the records office and says, 'Use your machine!'

I'm rambling. But Spotlight doesn't. The screenplay is flawless and we watch the events unfold minute after exciting minute, knowing the feeling when Micheal Keaton and Mark Ruffalo are unable to stay away from the newspaper office in the end, even though it's a Sunday and they really deserve the break..

When the phones begin to ring at the Spotlight office, you gasp a little. You realise that you have been holding your breath. You step out shocked and exhilarated, glad that a team such as Spotlight exists.   








  

review: NEERJA

Beauty And The Beast

3 stars

Mini Review:

The movie starts brilliantly, keeping you hooked at every turn, bringing you to the hijack of PanAm 73 quickly. The young, beautiful flight purser outwits the hijackers at every turn and when the frustration and waiting get unbearable, the beast called Jalil awakens and takes over the movie. The sagging film then comes alive again and ends on an emotional high.

Main Review:

Sonam Kapoor must be laughing tonight at her detractors who hoped she would do a Khoobsoorat in this movie too. She's restrained and wonderful. Really. 

Now biopics can get really smarmy and the first shot of Neerja's mother filled my heart with instant dread. What was this going to be all about? 

But the sight of Neerja getting ready for the flight and the hijackers getting ready to do their job is so creepy, it is an ominous reminder of what will happen when the flight lands in Karachi. The hijacking happens pretty quickly and you begin to think that these are trained professionals. They keep saying, 'Training for this day!' in many different ways...

Neerja manages to outwit the hijackers at every turn and the excitement keeps us high and glued to the edge of our seats. Then comes the dreaded word: Intermission.

There is something about the second half that is supremely dissatisfying. You want something more to happen, more than glasses of water being passed on to the passengers, packets of peanuts being handed out. You want to smell the fear that the crew is feeling. Not a single memorable passenger (the chap who claims 'I'm not Indian, I'm American!' meets a fitting end!) who stands out in that bunch. Not even to say I'm hungry or anything to help us fell less claustrophobic in that airplane...

There are four hijackers, but we don't see much of two of them. The story seems to have reached a stalemate. 

Suddenly the beast awakens. Jalil! One of the hijackers seems to be suffering from cabin fever. He loses it. And all the teary eyes watch in awe as he smashes the kettle again and again.

I have found a hero who will save the movie! 

Suddenly the story that was stuck inside the airplane becomes interesting. Of course Neerja saves the passengers in the ensuing chaos and loses her life. Nothing I say here will ever take away from the extraordinary bravery of the 22 year old. But when the second half of a two hour film begins to feel like the 16/18 hours the passengers spent inside that airplane, then shouldn't the film be called Jalil? 

Of course Bollywood melodrama rears its ugly head when the mom goes on and on when paying tribute to her daughter, and you want to escape instead of crying buckets. But what stops you in your tracks is the post-script of how Neerja Bhanot's bravery was acknowledged by the world. You step out overwhelmed.




p.s: hated the kids. too Bollywood.








  

Review: ISHQ FOREVER

ISHQ NEVER!

Half Star


Mini Review:

This movie is like the tired xerox of a xerox of a xerox of a xerox of a xerox of a xerox copy of  First Daughter/Chasing Liberty/Hero/Hero Again/Hero Yet Again. It tries hard to humor the audience and you end up facepalming more than falling in Ishq for any moment of time.

Main Review:

'See this photograph, mere aka!' Terrorist Henchman gives photo to bearded Terrorist Boss reclining on a rock.
'Hmmm... She could make a great wife but I'm not able...' Terrorist Boss confesses..

'She's not wife, but daughter of Indian Prime Minister, mere akaa! We will kidnap her and India will meet our demands.' 

They all laugh and Thomson and Thompson with blackfaces (YES! SO RACIST YOU WANT TO LEAVE THE THEATRE) set out to kidnap the First Daughter.

First daughter Pout-A-Lot wears skimpy clothes and opens the door without any clothes. It's meant to be cute. If she were 5 years old. Yes. Not when you're 18.

The predictable happens. She is rescued by presentable lad on motorbike, and chased by security team of old Javed Jafferi and strange Lisa Ray (one cannot run to save his life, and the other wears impossible clothes and shoes (so does not run) and a pained expression throughout the film.

A girls falls in love with the guy who kisses her, and then insists it is janam janam ka saath. The lad who has never been exposed to the Sun suddenly begins to take his shirt off and has an attack of the conscience and sleeps on the floor asking the girl to take the bed. 

Before you finish groaning, you wonder from where did they get the clothes? They're at Sardarji's home and neither he nor his wife are the right size... they also camp with people and run off from the camp with a backpack. Wait a minute! Did they not have a thing when they left home?

You have stopped caring but then the funniest fight scene ensues: Small Terrorist Boss (Zakir Hussain) shows up to get beaten up by lad in the face. Again and again and again. But his indestructible glasses remain unharmed. 

Do you care if the Prime Minister approves all this Ishq In the Line Of Duty? No one cares. You only wish the young people would take acting lessons instead of pouting, wearing skimpy clothes, shedding shirts, wearing transparent shirts, speaking incoherently in strange accents and doing the Shah Rukh arm spread in the name of love...