manishalakhe

this is a desert

2011-05-25T21:32:00.000-07:00

take my skin first,

strip it away

layer by dry layer,

slowly, i want to feel the pain.

and let the sun

separate the red,

until the sands are thirsty no more.

let the dry northerly winds,

blow away strands that hold

these hollow bones,

so white these bones,

see how easily they crumble,

but will you read what's inscribed

by his quill first?

mannami goyam aanal haq,

mannami yaar ni goyak vigo,

you own me, my blue one,

but won't claim me,

send me copies of yourself,

who don't wish to claim me either.

but am still here on this path,

where a peacock feather lies

a careless clue of you.

am still here,

because the ceaseless wind

brings a refrain of your breath

from a hollow bamboo

sometimes.

in pink

2011-05-22T11:25:00.000-07:00

you should not be so obvious

my blue one, in your gloating.

because i stand here smitten

by you smelling of juhi flowers.

all you had to do is ask.

you know i would leave everything

and show up at your doorstep,

windblown hair, heart on my sleeve,

hungry to see your smile.

i'm easy, you think,

gullible even,

malleable, like silly putty.

and still you weave an elaborate plot

have the ticket clerks in not one

but three multiplexes

tell me friday first shows are all booked!

making me believe,

i am lucky to simply walk up to your temple.

you think i don't know your tricks?

you think i don't know how much

you're missing me?

how much you need me

to be standing here,

looking slightly foolish,

and so totally lovelorn?

all you had to do is ask.

btw. you look good even in pink.

hope

2011-03-30T06:45:00.000-07:00

jab raqueeb hee na rahe

janaaze toh uthenge,

jaakar bataa do unhe,

jo laashon ko liye phirte hain,

ab kabr mein bhi araam nahee.

in hawaaon ka zeher

is kadar zehen mein ghul gaya hai,

saans mein bhi raahat nahee.

na dawaa hai, na hua hai

ibaadat ka hee koi asar,

jiye jaa rahe hain

is chaah mein magar,

thaam loge kabhi toh

haath hamara,

padegi hum par bhi kabhi

reham ki nazar.

blueprint

2010-03-23T11:05:00.000-07:00

under orion's gaze
when yearning turned into ache,
i died a little that night.

music died, the harvest moon did nothing,

words died, the breezes did nothing,

the earth did not open up

to swallow my pride.

the willow stopped weeping

and turned its silver tipped leaves

into whips, stripped my skin,

salt from the seas singed

of what remained.

i'm back at your doorstep,

still thirsting for you.

your clones in flesh and bone,

may distract me for a while,

and i can hear you laugh

when i bleed,

and that laugh is my strength,

and i am ready to play the clown

who has fallen in love again.

seeking

2009-12-11T08:22:00.000-08:00

the more i yearn,
the more you laugh.
the more i chase,
the further you fly.
the more i need,
the more elusive you are.

where is my pride?
where is shame?
what is this bliss i seek?
what magic is in your name?

if only you'd pause,
you'd see, my ache,
my want, my hankering,
is only for thee.

but your eyes are closed,
your thoughts elsewhere.
i ask for but one instant,
will you open your heart for me?

to the author of the anon comment on betelnut the movie

2009-05-25T07:57:00.000-07:00

hey anonymous!

thank you for the comment about the film. it got us back to working harder at it.

your $100 are safe in the paypal account. if you wish to take it back, you should have used your real name, and your money would have been returned to you. But you chose to send an anon comment and called us crooks. that's not cricket! tell me your real name and the money will be sent back to you.

wait

2009-02-01T09:35:00.000-08:00

outside, it is magic hour,

inside, as i sit cross-legged,

amongst others, is pure magic.

i try to quell the questions

racing through my veins,

will you be here, will you?

will you recognize me?

will you raise that eyebrow

and gracefully acknowledge

the momentary loss of speech

and the skipping of a heartbeat,

should we come face to face?

you'd be older now, but

your perfect round bald head

would be illuminated as always

by some inner tubelight.

your eyelashes lowered to ignore

my need to see you in person.

they said you were here now.

would you be here now?

would you be sitting up there

in the front, next to the blue one,

just as i remember, just as before,

hunched over a butter lamp

coaxing the flame to burn brighter.

i should not be thus distracted

i know you would not want

me to be thus distracted

yet how easy it is to be distracted

i gather my wits, force my eyes shut

maybe then the blue one

will remind me why i am sitting here.

that's when your laughter rings

in my head. is this a new game

my blue one has created?

i allow the sweet suffocation

of incense to lure me back to prayer.

three hundred voices

begin to chant, "aummm…!"

i give in. to longing,

to desires, to yearning,

and exhale, "hmmm!"

stone

2008-10-24T21:03:00.000-07:00

when cast with intent,
it draws blood, pain, leaves scars -
otherwise harmless.

untitled

2008-09-25T01:41:00.000-07:00

an afternoon of laughter
with you and the swing.
i squint my eyes to see yours,
and let go.
the sunlight dappled our faces,
and the wind played with our hair.
you held me then,
and the earth and sky became one.
the season has changed,
and so have your games,
my wild and wilful Blue one.
and i should've known better.
i've chased you through shadows
and through light,
longing for the same explicit afternoon experience.
and heard your laughter
rumble through the clouds.
exhausted by all that running
and all that chasing,
i collapsed on the same summer swing.
only to discover you've been with me all along.

still Blue

2008-09-06T13:25:00.001-07:00

my love is like camphor,
no visible flame,
but i burn,
until i am nothing.

Sweet Blue

2008-08-23T23:40:00.000-07:00

i am not one for bhajans, but this one made everything else written about the Blue one, sort of...less. here it is, as someone wrote it. hats off!

adharam madhuram, vadanam madhuram,
nayanam madhuram, hasitam madhuram,
hridayam madhuram, gamanam madhuram,
madhuradhipate akilam madhuram.

vachanam madhuram, charitam madhuram,
vasanam madhuram, valitam madhuram,
chalitam madhuram, bhramitam madhuram,
madhuradhipate akilam madhuram.

venu madhuro, renur madhuraha,
panir madhuraha, padau madhuro,
nrityam madhuram, sakhyam madhuram,
madhuradhipate akilam madhuram.

there's more where that came from, but i'm sunk after learning just this much.

yep! there's nobody quite like you, Blue.

summer love

2008-04-12T23:05:00.000-07:00

when i fell in love with you
i was younger, prettier and
many pounds lighter.

and you had freckles -
thousands of them, on your face
and arms and back.

i was easier to please, ready to listen,
you had dreams to dream,
and stories to share.

i had eyes only for you,
and you had beautiful green eyes
and sooty, spiky lashes.

i liked the clean woodsy smell of you,
and you liked disappearing into the woods
for many, many days.

i stayed by the sunlit stream,
skipping on the rocks, waiting for you
to emerge from the forest.

and just as easily and surely
as autumn follows summer, i fell,
out of love with you.

dialogue

2008-04-12T23:03:00.000-07:00

"am writing a poem to love."
"is there any other kind?"
"well...i could write a piece..."
"piece? as in prose? really?"
"yeah. prose. essay. opinion."
"you joined a workshop?"
"no. do i need one?"
"that's strange. i write prose."
"for a living, yes. i know."
"presumptuous so-and-so."
"now, now. i say it as i see it."
"i've written a prose blog."
"have you written anything lately?"
"no...but i've written reviews."
"reviews? of movies? love stories?"
"no...they were not love stories."
"there you go then, love."
"hmm...a poem about love, then?"
"like i said, is there any other kind?"

night 1

2008-03-18T06:48:00.000-07:00

dear love, how cold you are
perfect foil to my hot exhausted body,
i prefer this commune under the stars,
so sharp so blue, as if someone
had stabbed holes into the floor of heaven.

i like it because you are silent,
i like kissing your mouth
at once firm and vulnerable,
and a bit blue on the edges.

there are shadows beneath your eyes,
but i like kissing them just as i did before,
shivering with pleasure
when my lips touch your spiky lashes.

it’s good to have you all to myself.

the moon is hiding as well,
we are alone here on the thirteenth fairway,
unashamed of the unremarkable brownness
of my naked body lying next to yours,
so pale and magnificent,
so hard and unyielding,

i allow a sigh to disturb
this companionable silence,
it will be years before they call you topsoil.

love poem 2

2008-03-15T11:33:00.000-07:00

little things about you i like to keep:

the way your hair curls upon your neck
when you throw your head back and laugh,

how my glasses slide off my nose and yours don’t,
'it’s a noble nose!' my aunt always says,

your large hands on the steering wheel,
i love the way they feel on the small of my back,

i am so glad for the pickling lessons,
grandma insisted i take as a teen.
i have made good use of the jam jars
she stocked in the garage
hoping the mango would yield some day.

your nose still looks as sharp in vinegar,
and your hands still look clean,
but your heart remains as black as ever.

but best part is that look in your eyes,
when i raised the ginsu,
on that dappled afternoon by the stream.

does not fit in any jar but is fresh even today
perfectly preserved in my head.

love poem 1

2008-03-09T09:30:00.000-07:00

my fingers ache to soothe
the flyaway hair on your neck,
and when you reassure me
we’re not speeding,
i simply close my eyes,
and let the bike embrace the wind.

you never read a map,
and i always know the way,
but this time i let you guide me
to download love songs off the net.

smitten with him? you ask.
i want to say, yes moron, with you.
but i laugh and let it be.

not yet, not yet. my fingers are crossed
let me enjoy this for a bit longer
it’s my moment. don’t want to give happiness
some one else’s address.

i’m collecting pictures for later,
i explain on gtalk.
magic seeds i plant now for later,
when you’re mature and i've learnt to feel
instead of thinking so much.

i stab at the keyboard to reach you
hope you will walk to me
just as i picture you walking to meet me.
and then watch me exhale.

worth

2008-01-27T08:56:00.000-08:00

one hundred and twenty four thousand prophets
until your heart became a slate for surah after holy surah
the faithful recite five times a day even today.
how young you must have been, how alone,
was there anyone who understood the pain
Gibreel’s quill inflicted upon your heart?
was there anyone who could wipe away the blood?
was there blood spilt upon the sands?
your heart must’ve been so big, to include it all,
a reflection of everything He is.

i have picked up a little book of the verses
abridged appropriately for weekend seekers
maybe one lifetime won’t be enough
to align my desires to His plans
how did you surrender when i find it tough even to bow
i begin to wonder , was i born for this?

not now, darling!

2007-08-12T07:29:00.000-07:00

it’s not convenient that you die now,
do you understand?
you haven’t noticed but we’ve had wars.
friends divided over loyalties to henry and rose,
who fought bitterly over cds and books
and unused kishko cutlery sets,
but were happy to see sarah go in the spca van
dilip was finally incarcerated for hitting jane,
but only because we intervened,
and stayed night after sleepless night in vigil
at her side, trying to get the blood stains off the love seat,
playing U2 and Nirvana to drown dilip's rage
as he hurled the garden gnomes at the oak,
howling outside, high on jealousy.
sammy lost an eye battling brush fire
and then lost his job, and we’ve all taken turns
taking care of bobby and sonya,
while he’s stood the dole queues
hoping nobody would notice him.
my days are numb from carrying trays
of six-egg omelets and gravy,
the night shifts have left me not a single minute to think
about broken nails and straw hair and coffee gone cold.

tina told us about the rejection letter and your drunken binge
that has lasted three months and how the doctor was surprised
to see your tequila riddled pancreas still working.
so don’t tell me you are dying now,
dying, giving up the ghost, kicking the bucket
because your muse has been unkind to you.
i have exhausted empathy, have no words of comfort,
am tired to the bone and quite empty of tears.
and white my dear, has never been my color.

Slam

2007-08-02T19:24:00.000-07:00

stand up. stand up.
face the drunken sods,
say, ‘fuck you, Krishna’
in free verse or rhyme.
it could mean inclusion tomorrow,
among page three poets,
and one free whiskey now.

my throat is parched,
my fingers aching
to clutch that cold glass
of iced amber fire.

the girl in the silver lace dress
has been looking at me
as if she would be warmth.
if only i could move my cold feet
and break a principle or two.

Good Intentions 2.

2007-04-16T11:43:00.000-07:00

you again?
haven’t i told you
i don’t want to be
your good deed for the day?

of course i’ve been weeping.
the irrawady dolphins
have depleted, sad, no?
see, it says so on the newspaper
i’ve stuck on the windows.
oh that’s for the sun.
he insists on intruding.
see that beam there? laserlike.
searching for proof
just like you.
so you can send me away.
i won’t let you, you know.

sure, my friends are here
they’ve retreated in the shadows.
they know you won’t try too hard.
you have to pick up Tina
from her dance lesson in twenty minutes.

don’t look at me like that!
i haven’t lost my mind you know
i’ve just let some friends in there.
i was so lonely after he left me.
yes, i did run after him
from the kitchen to the front door,
in my news stilletoes,
i was chopping cabbage for coleslaw;
“don’t leave me!” i cried,
but he was in a hurry, i suppose,
why wait when love has gone?
i think i must’ve tripped,
when i lunged for the door,
"don’t leave me!" i said, he left
three and a half fingers
of his right hand,
i’ve kept them safe
right there, in the butter dish.

Good Intentions

2007-04-16T11:36:00.000-07:00

Oh it’s you again?
Come in if you must.
But don’t look at me this way!
There’s no need to let so much sunlight in!
What did you say?
Oh that! Yes, yes,
The pain is filling up the cracks quite well, thank you.
I would get out of these ex-pink pajamas,
And walk down with you towards a macchiato,
But the elevator has turned hostile.
It says: ‘five persons at a time only’.
You know I have been playing host,
You know I cannot abandon them here,
Just because you show up, with an hour to kill
Hoping I will gladly be your Thursday afternoon good deed.
No, no! Don’t throw the cups into the garbage.
How can you throw them simply because an ear is missing?
Because the rim is chipped?
I shall clean up later.
I don’t mind that pizza slice sitting on the table.
If I don’t understand its loneliness, who will?
But I haven’t been lonely, no!
The voices have been company, of sorts,
And I assure you there’s room for more.
I don’t want to go out for a fresh dose of traffic fumes.
You see, they don’t want me out there.
The stop lights hurry me away by freezing on ‘go’,
Even the usually bothersome eunuchs ignore me.
No soot-colored hand will sell me cheap Chinese toys.
If I should idly dial 2-6-4-0-7-3-8-3,
The girl would say, “Yes. We make bean bags
But they are meant for people full of ‘em,
Not for some woman who wonders why
There’s a gap between the letters ‘wel’ and ‘come’
On the rear windshields of taxi cabs.
"My head is occupied, trust me,
I am doing just fine.
So do me a favor dear, please draw the blinds
And shut the door quietly behind you.

jacuzzi

2007-01-23T11:21:00.000-08:00

once upon a time,
this would have been,
a david lynch scene:
pale white on white
and blue roses mourning.
should i add calming salts
i wonder, as i slide in.
thirteen months of being alone
has made me somewhat pale,
the knife offers a flash of reflection
but no second thoughts,
this must be the way
to quiet sighless waters.

request

2007-01-23T11:14:00.000-08:00

please blink.
you look too directly
into my head.
there are thoughts there,
that must remain thoughts,
they cannot become words
between us.

please blink.
you look too directly
at my heart.
it changes the familiar tattoo
and i stumble, dancing.
across the room you smile
those eyes fixed
in their intent.

please blink.
you look too directly
at me.
it sears my skin
dry, traps the words
inside my throat
i stand inarticulate
to your suggestion.
you raise a silent toast
you know how i feel.

please blink.
you look too directly
at me.

night

2006-12-18T11:36:00.000-08:00

the tambourine sings
a tune unfamiliar.
everything has stilled,
including my breath.
the blue sheet over me
is getting cooler, i sink
deeper into the pillows,
deeper into the coils,
of this moonless night.
strangely comforting
are her dark tendrils.
i am lulled by the tune.
the deafening rush
of blood through the veins
has quietened, they say,
it will be hours before
that too will pause.
the yearning to be one
with the black moss,
growing on the path
you might take someday
has been granted.
the tambourine sings on.
will i ever want to wake?

2006-08-21T11:12:00.000-07:00

JC (i)

the meeting

wind was in my hair,
and a pebble in my birkenstock
so i stopped to tie the unruly locks,
and shake the pebble out.
that’s when i saw him
resting against a rock.

exchanged notes about the climb,
he was on his way to the village,
i was running away from people.
watch out for the burning bush
he joked, and i told him to stay
clear of the dancing girls.

my Blue one had danced with many,
i was the eternally jealous one,
but JC had had a tough life
i could see, he was still young.
when realization dawned,
i asked him, “what are you doing here
a few centuries late?”
he gave a lopsided smile,
“duh!” he said, “you don’t know the tale?
no one believes me,
but i’ll be back i had said!”

JC (ii)

the miracle

i am on the rock,
by the banks of the river
that you will not find on any map.
the rope of my sandals,
has cut deep into my ankles,
proof that it takes many a mile
to gather but twelve believers.
others have come too,
some to fulfil a curiosity,
some to justify doubts,
some because there’s no cable.
the expectant murmur
has settled down to a simmer.

my words have been too simple --
an ocean in their feeble hands,
hence i must prove by act
what words have failed to convey.

i wish i could wiggle my toes
in the cold waters, happy,
in the manner of children,
but this is not the time
for frolick. it’s time to fulfil
a larger design, a purpose.

your Blue one got away by
opening his mouth wide,
to show he was it all, that
the universe was a part of him,
but the folk here are too rough hewn
i need to start small,
so i stand tall, yet humble
and step on to the waters
for their first glimpse --
of eternity.

drenched!

2006-08-20T11:23:00.000-07:00

water drips from your hair,
my eyes measure
six, maybe seven inches,
to your pink tee shirt.

the kohl underneath
your brown eyes
is smudging your cheeks,
i stop myself from saying,
"no, don't dab it away..."

you run a quick hand
through your hair,
what would you say
if you would find me
entangled there?

fascinated by an errant drop
sliding down your throat
into the vee of the tee,
i've missed the reasons
why you like malabar monsoon.

"drink your coffee, baba!"
you say, laughter gurgling
out of your lips and on
to the table between us.
i am persuaded.

but i see you shiver
ever so slightly as the coffee
spreads its warmth.
i pretend the sugar sachet is
more than mildly interesting.

i sigh inside,
might as well drink
the damned coffee,
than let my imagination
be drenched with you.

besides, the cafe is crowded,
my throat is dry,
my feet are cold,
and although you're so close,
you only wish to talk.

inspired wholly by jugal mody and his tale (again!) of an uncaring lass!

set piece

2006-06-22T12:59:00.000-07:00

i hadn’t thought of him for a while,
not a poem in his name,
something else had captivated me,
he thought it was just a game.

so he sat down beside me,
with a beguiling smile so casual,
“care for new tune this time
or perhaps your usual?”

no tune of pure seduction,
no promise of eternal bliss,
not even your peacock crown,
shall keep me away from this.

he held my hand now,
and whispered in my ear,
be my love, my only love,
come be with me, i’m here.

my heart did skip a beat i admit,
"go seduce a cowgirl or two,"
i did manage to say, "but now,
wait for me as i did for you."

he laughed, "and those poems
you pen, of love and agony?
come now, or never again,
it'll be just you and only me."

i stole a kiss, before i sighed,
so such was to be my fate!
i’ll write more love poems i promise,
but not now love, can’t you wait?

his glance at me was quizzical,
i had unwrapped his arms from mine,
"no song, no words, no touch
affects you, what could make you mine?"

you’re my love, i assure you,
but i love the offer you’re making,
teamgeist is my fever now,
a german-argentine final i’m seeking.

Taking a Stand

2006-05-29T23:14:00.000-07:00

Hemant Suthar and Vikraant Nath have taken a stand. Vikraant is a business person who has offered free tee shirts to the striking docs, braving the heat and the dust. he did not have to do it, but he is a believer. Hemant has designed the very powerful logo which is on the tee shirts. i truly believe that we need to find a better solution towards equal opportunities rather than mere reservation.

this is the brilliant logo:

Nainital

2006-05-16T12:11:00.000-07:00

i mourn an almost man,
a boy with silk for hair,
who closed his laughing eyes
in the deep blue
this afternoon.

i, icarus.

2006-04-23T11:52:00.000-07:00

motionless on the grass,
i can smell the green,
and dream of Blue again.

it is thursday, i think,
could be any day, really,
the sun-roughened tongue
of greedy summer,
has not yet begun
to taste the skin,
or lap up tears from eyes.

it was spring, and i,
was just answering
that desperate need
to leap into the blue.

what better ladder
than the gnarled redwood?
if i climbed high enough
i’d be closer to Him…

i won’t shout for help,
there’s no one out here.
the earth is slow but sure,
it will claim these bones.

so i let the shadows
examine them slowly.

the long fingers uncurl,
one checks the weakening
pulse, another, my eyes.
"let me see inside, open, open!"
a cold spidery voice insists.

do i have a choice?
the bony fingers pry open
my eyelids, "where?
where are the tears?
why are there no tears?
why do you deprive me
the pleasure of tears?"

i try to move, but cannot.
can't even explain,
i was reaching out
to the Blue one
why would i cry?

the fingers lash across
my face, in anger.
have you felt anger
of the shadows?

it is not unlike the unexpected
low branch that hits you
when you ride horseback
through woods.
you know it is there,
but do not know
you would be in its path.
that’s why most people
are afraid of shadows.

there’s a wetness
spreading on the grass.
"feel it? feel it?"
chorus the shadows,
i do. i feel the wetness,
and see the sun
dapple the shadows away.

i know now. i close my eyes.
something in the neck is broken.

summer is here...

2006-04-18T10:59:00.000-07:00

for the girls

2006-04-14T13:35:00.001-07:00

the room reeks of vanilla
candles, or is it stale
ice cream?
i pull the curtains
apart, let sunlight in.

it’s the debris
of a pity party.
women! i sigh!
when will we learn!
quietly as i can
pick up acres of tissue
carpeting the floor.

at least the girls had
style! the wine was fine,
and real French takeaway
from pristine white boxes
embossed in gold.
but the story they told
was same old, same old.

heartache for a lover,
lost to a woman
who had never known
chafing.
she had a gap
between her thighs.
and an IQ that matched
her shoe size…

the coffee machine
signals. it’s time
to save the girls.

mix pink pajamas
and dark Arabica
get bleary-eyed questions:
“where were you?”
“what’s with the smile?”
“please don’t say
Krishna saves.
what do i care for savings
when my current account feels so fucked?”

true. true. all true.
but as the raspy voiced
high priest of rock says,
‘the times they are a…’

“wake up dahlings,
binging on pain is passé.
we girls have to work smart.
we need to learn to call in.
report that pain.”

“don’t waste time
mourning the bastards.
or thinking of revenge.
you really want them back? not!”

“so flash your Visa
Mastercard even.
receive flowers,
Darcy on DVD.
pink Champers to start afresh.
better than calling agony aunties
or crying for mom.
call woesBgone dot com
and outsource the damned pain.”

Betelnut Killers

2006-04-14T10:24:00.000-07:00

it's taken a long long time, and finally my story is being made into a film.

and you can be a part by becoming a co-producer with as little as $100

check out the movie that is going to be blogged all the way!

the link is http://blog.betelnutkillers.com

and by the way,
the paypal thing works...

chanting

2006-03-19T21:00:00.000-08:00

the lust

in those voices,

as they call out your name,

seeps through

the billion pores

on my skin,

and presses against my spine

to arch it in a jealous moan.

i have closed my eyes,

and allowed the salt

to saturate my cheeks.

hating,

years of etiquette,

that do not allow me

the same abandon.

how i hide the insanity,

of this love,

deep inside,

it has become a habit now.

but the lust

in those voices,

travels down my ears,

to the secret corner

of my heart,

and a wave erupts

inside, disrupting

Brahma mudra.

i raise my hands,

take a deep deep breath,

and allow desire,

to raise my neck

skywards,

to be kissed by you,

my Blue.

happy hour

2006-03-06T03:43:00.000-08:00

so you wrote a love poem to me
and sent it by email.
all your desires,
denuded by pixels,
a digital divide
between your passion
and mine.

how i wish,
you were sitting here
in front of me,
our knees touching,
just so i could lean forward
to catch your low voice,
your elbows resting on your thigh.
as you read the same poem
you scribbled in that unreadable text.
(your handwriting’s a murder,
but you’re forgiven
because your hair flops over
your dreamy eyes,
and makes you look like
a wiser John Abraham.)

the words would mean so much more,
if i could hear you mouth them aloud.
they would linger on your lips,
and when we kiss
i would get to taste them.
(hmm...a bit of Bourneville and Glenlivet
and blueberry muffins
with cinnamon?)

i could stuff the poem away,
in the back pocket of my jeans,
put my arms around you,
and pretend to read
your eyes instead.
(darn those sooty lashes
you inherited from your mama!)

or better still,
you’d hand me the letter
and let me read,
distracting me
from the words,
by tracing lazy circles
on my thigh.

until then, i shall smile
at the moiré,
and savor each word,
of the love poem
you send me by email.

Reunion

2006-01-30T01:11:00.000-08:00

i light up an excuse
in the rain washed verandah,
and exhale relief.

"it's temporary, it's temporary!"
the koyals mock knowingly.

i've been trapped,
in a house called reunion,
and strangers called family.

small breezes carry
words from within,
i shudder.
gossip has a way
of settling in the head.

how that tailor from udhampur,
measures the ample samples
of great aunt mona,
behind closed doors.
how her brocade blouses,
seem to need
a trial too many...

the rest is drowned in laughter.

over tea and fritters
reputations are shred.
of aunts and cousins
who couldn't make it
to this august gathering.
and kind words are said,
about ways and lives of those
huddled over mint yogurt dip,
and cheesy garlic bread.

someone notices my absence.
i hear a strident voice,
"what dreadful habit she's picked up!"
"go tell her there's more chai."
a little obedient munchkin,
with mischief in her eye,
skips out with the message, then adds,
"everybody's been dissected,
it's your turn now."

i look to heavens for help,
the rainclouds are low,
pausing in their incessant task,
gossip is juicier, go in, go!

i flick the butt,
scratch my head of hair,
knowing they'll kill me in there,
as i turn, i notice gramps
uncoiling from his chair.

another cackle from inside
drowns my question to him,
but he offers valuable advice
"first," he says, "stop being so grim!
the hyenas are waiting,
don't tuck your tail and run
(it excites them, he said),
don't be fodder,
you miserable sod,
just sidetrack them instead.
tell tall tales of lust
spin spicy tales of sin,
the hyenas are waiting,
go on, go on in!"

At Kalachakra

2006-01-06T09:28:00.000-08:00

hands folded in prayer,
twelve in the room.
lit by the cold january sun,
wait in silence.

should i breathe?
i wonder.
what if i exhaled
and wasted the moment,
should i breathe?

should i blink?
what if i should miss
the eternity of sharing
the same space as him?
dare i blink?

what if he should touch me?
a tap on the shoulder,
or a handshake even.
how would i react?
and would it be right?

there were far more deserving
of his healing touch,
waiting in the sun outside.
would he understand my need
to jostle for a favored place
in the line of believers?

will i hear
each word he says
or will i hear
and still miss
anything that he says?

i hear the swish
of yellow robes.
he is frailer than his pictures.
his wristwatch hangs loose
on his bony hand.
nothing weak
about his words though.

brightest eyes i have seen,
now observe my tearful ones,
he has seen many like mine.

before the hum of prayers
from the outside,
deafens the few
caught in his magical gaze inside,
he stands hugging distance
i dare not follow the impulse.

bite my lip,
and extend my hand
as my fist uncurls,
his eyes twinkle.
his laughter sounds loud,
surprising the solemn room.
he pockets the gift,
and steps out into the sunlight.

i wonder about the laughter,
that's when i see Him.
arms folded, grin in place,
the Blue One has been watching.
you’ve found me, he laughs,
why then, are you greedy?
i pretend not to understand

you stop laughing at me,
i wiggle my finger at him.
i still need words
to comfort me.
i switch to fm in defiance.

Avalokiteshwara’s words
crackle salve into my ears.
besides, he looks like you
my Blue One.
and he likes chocolate
you saw him take it, didn’t you?

For Keta

2005-12-25T21:20:00.000-08:00

I miss this beautiful girl...

http://worldwidehelp.blogspot.com/2005/12/remembrance-week-26th-december-2005.html

It's Billy the Kid!

2005-12-20T02:46:00.000-08:00

Thank you all for helping with the wonderful suggestions. The puppy's vet Dr. Karkare loved each one of them, and wonders if he could keep the name suggestions in his name bank.

Sanjana, thank you for mentioning Fibbles and Tweedle, as the names took me back to Enid Blyton days. Doodle is my friend Rishi's pup in Miami and it drives everyone dizzy by running full tilt all over his garden.

Dinesh, your cue on Amitabh Bachchan had us all watching the Amitabh Bachchan movies on tv (we were on the phone all night as the movie was played!) .

Suniti, you more than anyone else has helped me stay rooted, hearing me blab on about puppies and separation from their mothers, so have no words to say thank you.

David, Vanilla Bean is a cool name!

Hey anonymous! Classical suggestions like Charulatha, Troy, Taramati compared well with Vikramaditya and Bajarangbali and Ghatotkach, but your suggestion of Chiquita had friends call the poor pup Bababanana (in the manner of Barbapapa).

Townreporter, i dont know if mash has wronged you in any way, but this is an innocent pup you are helping name. such a pity you make so much room for venom in your heart, when the Blue one offers nothing but love. you too are made in his image, so please accept my namaskaar to you.

It was a daunting task, but the kind Vet helped us through the names. The puppy responded to Mirza, Billy, Baajirao and of course Ghonchu. Sunil Mohite, who got us this beautiful pup from the Breeder Mr. Vidya Ratan of Pune, was calling him Baajirao, but the puppy merely raised half an eyebrow on hearing 'Baaji'. The Doc and I loved the idea of calling him Mirza, but he would not even offer us that half eyebrow. Ghonchu he responded to was too silly to contemplate so mash was voted down. That left Billy.

So Billy it is. A tribute to all the Westerns one has read when growing up. A tribute to the dreams of riding with the winds and inspecting fences. A tribute to a character at once hated and at once loved...

Billy the Kid, it is. You are welcome to come and bless the puppy!

Have a wonderful Christmas, and a new year filled with Bliss.

Thank you all for being so kind.

baby and dad (iii)

2005-12-12T23:59:00.000-08:00

baby and dad (ii)

2005-12-12T23:57:00.000-08:00

baby and dad

2005-12-12T23:54:00.000-08:00

my new baby

2005-12-11T20:31:00.000-08:00

thank you Suniti for taking pics of my new baby. we are having a tough time naming him. he has inspired many. his dad (mahesh), shashanka ghosh, and his doc loves the idea of calling him William Lee, in short, 'bill-lee'. peter griffin has offered 'mirza' or 'ghalib' or 'slinky'. the last one inspired by the spiral staircase in my house and the flight of his imagination which can be described as 'tumble down puppy horror flick'. on similar lines, rashmi mukhi offers 'flip'. since the puppy is only 40 days old and still hasn't found its orientation, walks in reverse gear, mash also calls him 'ghonchu'. suniti and i love the idea of kissing the puppy called 'depp'. (and our mind images vanished the moment pete suggested having to 'clean up after depp'). jugal offered several south park crossed with science names...and my sleep deprived brain does not remember any of the names except that i laughed much.

agni wanted to call it einstein or beyblade before the puppy arrived. after the big arrival and we got cameras trained on agni for his first reaction (we expected sqeals and hugs), we found agni lifting tail etc and inspecting the pup. we lowered the cameras and tried to quell what we thought was his curiosity. but he asked me with a straight face, "mommy, where is his plug point?"

"what plug point?"

"So we can connect it to the computer?" Upon seeing the horror on our faces, he added an explanation,"So we can train it, naa!"

our next vacation is going to be on a farm.

suniti has kindly offered to share the pics of my baby with all of you:
help with names please. and soon.

http://photobucket.com/albums/y191/suniti/Ghochun/

game

2005-11-29T09:57:00.000-08:00

looks like you had time,
time on your hands,
my Blue one,
you play such games
with me!

if you thought
any name,
other than yours,
made any sense to me,
you lost!

if you thought
the merry dance
you led me to
would make me lose
faith in you,
try harder!

you’re toying with me
my Blue one
but i am stupid
all i know
is your name,
nothing else matters.

i inhale because of you
exhale when you want me to.
i win because of you.
if i lose, why worry,
i lose only to you.

how we change...

2005-11-28T10:37:00.000-08:00

for as long as i can remember, i have always lit a candle on Bruce Lee's birthday...until yesterday.

my keyboard is soggy now. and have walked around with the jeet kune do hand book all day.

it's a change from wandering about the house talking to the Blue one all day, i guess.

contagious

2005-11-23T04:32:00.000-08:00

stay away from me,
all you rational folk!
for i have caught a fever
that won’t go away.

smell my burning skin.
my flesh consumed by desire,
turning slowly to ash,
to be blown away at his whim.

watch this fever race
through my veins,
turning everything blue
in its wake.

feel the anger,
fueled by the fever,
i tremble as i rage,
how much longer
do i need to grovel?

you will hear me no more
whispering his name,
again and again.
this fever is brought on
by his cursed name.

a name that tastes bittersweet,
honey to my thirsty lips.
what would become of me
should he choose
to hold me in his arms?

it is quiet tonight...

2005-11-17T11:15:00.000-08:00

ice from my veins
flows so blue on to my palm,
you cut deep, my love,
and i know the count
by heart.

your every look,
your every touch,
your every thought,
is reflected in the cold
betrayal cupped in my hands.

don’t be afraid,
i wont tell anyone.
it’s all right now,
see? sleep envelops me.
in her comforting arms
i will be warm again.

bubble

2005-11-17T01:41:00.000-08:00

take soap, mix water,
take hanger,
dip in bucket,
blow gently,
wear it at once.
it will go far with you.

i wish people with bubbles
would share their bubbles,
with people who tried
this simple recipe and failed,
just for a little while
maybe,
exchange places.

difficult you say?
impossible even?
bubbles are custom made
as tough to share,
as fingerprints,
or dna even,
a bubble is sacred
designed to protect
only the one person
it was created for.

then why do some people
have them and some not?
why do some suffer so,
and some float through life
protected?

i hate you for the bubble
that keeps you safe,
hate you for not sharing
that safe space,
hate you hiding from storms...

but dammit, it also keeps you
from hugs that could have been yours,
had i been the kind who hugs.

so i am going shopping
maybe i shall find a pin
or maybe i shall find myself
a great big bubble to call my own.

(acknowledge EC's bubble and my envy of the same)

That's Him

2005-11-11T10:45:00.000-08:00

soppy

2005-11-10T10:14:00.000-08:00

togetherness is catching.

i have started to string
words, just like you do.

hunch my tired shoulders,
exactly as you.

and raise my hands
to cover my eyes
at the end of day,
just like you do.

i also hold on to that phone
as if it were an anchor
connecting me
to some ridiculous reality
as you.

so am hoping
somewhere along this journey
you too find yourself
doing things
just the way i do.

no body

2005-11-08T09:57:00.000-08:00

horizontal wrist,
vertical line,
with the ginsu
saved for the
occasion, for the
perfect cut.

bare bottom.
bare back.
feels cool
on the marble floor.
room lit by
flickering neon
from neighborhood
chinese takeaway.

watch,
watch,
watch,
the warmth
pool.

morning

2005-11-07T03:56:00.000-08:00

is this my home?
pillows everywhere
except on the bed,
sheets embarrassingly
entangled, uneaten pizza
and champagne,
chocolate on
white Egyptian cotton...

oh is this me?
in a curtain,
and a smile,
and miles of ache,
and sighs to match?

the lillies still smell fresh
i sink into the big
yellow chair
and hug myself.

so it is true!
the ones you hold
in your eternal embrace
also turn blue?

soul flake

2005-11-04T06:37:00.000-08:00

attempting to write fiction...on a blog called 'soul flake'.

some of you asked me why i had not posted a link to the blog. technically challenged people ought not to be punished so...and by friends too.

here goes: www.soulflake.blogspot.com

sky people

2005-10-31T03:26:00.000-08:00

i used to be like you
wary of those
wayside wanderers,
scared
of their manic mutterings,
their tattered appearance
was distasteful.

i would cringe too,
exactly as you just did,
afraid to catch their germs
hated the smell
that would linger
long after our paths crossed.

but i’ve been touched
by the Blue one now you see,
and i guess most of you
who now cross my path
miss me completely.

you saw me stare at the sky,
bump into street lamps,
you rolled your eyes,
and crossed the street.

you spotted me,
in deep conversation
at crowded coffee shops
and thought me strange.

you did not see him at all!
all you heard was muttering,
you thought too much coffeecino
had driven me crazy.

you bumped into me
at the bookshop,
my nose buried
(literally)
in a brand new
book of love poems,
you moved away
a patronizing smile later.

you don’t know,
how he smells of nutmeg,
of snow lillies,
and the elusive clean
of new books.

i am sorry i missed
the questions
your eyebrow raised.
would i really care
if the sun and the wind
were roughing up my body?

the stars in my eyes,
and the occupant
of my heart, leave no room,
for anyone or anything else.

flu season

2005-10-27T13:22:00.000-07:00

use.
and throw.
use.
and throw.
use.
and throw.
use.
and throw.
use.
and throw.

how little it matters
to you, my friend,
whether it’s kleenex
or people.

raw

2005-10-25T04:39:00.000-07:00

i feel positively
unpoetic,
because i want you so.

its not just skin.
the need goes deeper
its pace is inelegant
crazed? i don’t know.
but there it is,
frantic, directionless.

this mortal need
to hear your laughter
in the hollow of my bones
once again
is driving irrational
thoughts deeper
into my head.

it feels as good as
that usually uncouth gesture
when one drives
the pointing finger,
manic, and unheeding
of any warning,
uncaring of damage,
into the ear.
to scratch rapidly
that unseen
but heartfelt itch.

it is as satisfying as
that demented stretch
of the neck,
and with closed eyes
curling the tongue
to smoothen
the raw edges
inside the throat, when
voicing your forbidden name.

platitudes

2005-10-24T06:47:00.000-07:00

trophy boys don’t ask,
are you bleeding?
don’t call to ask,
do you breathe?

trophy boys should not care
if cold cuts of accusations,
so cruelly served,
on a platter of silence,
were fatal or not.

trophy boys should
stay safe, nine to five,
in a predictable world.

it’s a risk to be out there,
wayward women
might tell all,
in drunken giggly fits.

or the conspiracy
of the stars,
might just reveal,
how angels get drunk
on chocolate
and forgot to fly.

no, no don’t bother
to translate pixels
on the screen
into casual concern.

nothing will happen to you
no finger pointing.
no languishing and decaying
nothing will happen

take comfort in your safety,
and uncross those fingers.
mouth those mundane
‘hello, how are yous’
only when you are ready,
really ready to hear the truth.

cleaning up after

2005-10-18T21:25:00.000-07:00

she was gone. dead. buried.
with no one mourning her.
the cleaning crew
for muchos dolleros
came in to clean house.

they could've dumped it all
in gallon cans
for a curbside pickup.
but one of the chaps,
an aquarian with a pony tail,
stumbled upon a thought.

a tiny random one,
but not unfamiliar to him.
did she fill holes
with memories too?
so they all sat down,
and used six work days
to sift through them all.

the brown button on a khaki shirt
the crease upon a brow
the remnants of a laugh
the touch of roving hands

ghost text messages
and used coffee spoons
napkins used to mark
the tyranny of waiting

mental pictures of shared sunsets
and accounting of tears
a bill book of anguishes
a notebook of fears

would anyone else understand
the need to remember
gestures, words, promises?

they could fill boxes of those
but who could want them now?

the clean-up crew knew
one day upon a distant landfill
these and many other
hoarded desires would flower.
and the earth would smell
of nutmeg and coffee,
of honeysuckle and lillies again.

why blue m&ms are blue

2005-10-18T01:51:00.000-07:00

have been sitting right here,
under the dappled sky,
solving little mysteries
of this thing called life.

see the vastness of the sky?
it includes all the flaws,
of this erring earth,
of the faltering moon,
even the lying promises
of distant glimmering stars.

sink into the deep of the ocean,
with me, if i don’t cling
to treacherous breath,
it will accept everything,
your bonds, my insanity
it can turn us blue.

ever close your eyes
and hear the eternal lover
play a tune? He’s blue too.
when love shattered me
into a thousand crystal faces,
each reflecting your color,
he scooped me up,
made me safe. whole. blue.

so close your eyes
and kiss me now,
share this blue m&m.
it’s a sweet universe
in a bite of chocolate.

Complaint

2005-10-17T05:29:00.000-07:00

every morning i see my love
and sit him down,
for extended complaints,
over creamy Malabar Monsoon.

(he doesn’t always listen,
he's distracted by my singing anklets,
but i sit him down nonetheless,
and open my heart for him.)

sometimes my love,
i think you’re here
only because of the coffee.
i complain, daring an answer.

he laughs, and emboldened
by the kindness I hear,
i stop him from spooning sugar.
the spilt grains of sweetness
melt in my tears.

where were you
when the motorbike boys,
put wind in my hair
and drove me away from you
at thought deafening speeds?

where were you when
the drummer boy played
fast and loose with
what i thought was my heart?

or when the traveler
carried me away
across sunsets and moonrises,
but could not reach
the far corners of my mind?

don’t you dare smile
and give me an answer
that you always do.
they were shallow waters,
and i was but learning to swim.

if indeed they were, and i was,
tell me why you wait now?
when my heart is truly touched
by one who laughs
just the way you do?
by one who makes soul renting promises
you know he will never keep?

tell me how much further
do i fall, until you save me
from myself?

how much longer
do i have to wait?
how much do i suffer
before you deem me worthy
of your eternal embrace?
before you color me Blue?

(malabar monsoon is a wonderful new coffee i have recently discovered...)

brb

2005-10-13T05:25:00.000-07:00

when you put me on hold,
i counted the beeps,
i sang silly songs,
imagined how long
it would take, for
strange roots to grow
from my palm
into the phone.
but I waited
to hear your breath
on the other side
of the earpiece.
you see, you had promised
to set me free.

the coins ran out,
and so did the time.
i held on foolishly,
allowed the anguishes
to simmer before they grew,
and then came the pain.
it racked my soul
ribboned it
and flung it afar.
buffeted by pitiless winds of logic
it was strung out to hang
on a shabby string of trust
like torn Tibetan prayer flags.

you didn't see how the phone cord
rebelled at my patience
and strangled my wrist,
my neck, my desires,
and drowned me
in the vast blue
of the endless waiting.

the gods were jealous
when they knew i wanted
a mere mortal more.
'you've been used!
'your faith is pointless!
they said, then
they rejected me,
offered me no haven
no respite, no rest...

i've wandered since,
looking for a place to hide,
where no knowing laughter
would mock my foolish effort
to pause that fraction in time
when you said, 'brb'.

Krishna

2005-10-11T06:34:00.000-07:00

they say, "he's dark,
your Krishna.
dark as the stormy night
he was born."

i used to turn away,
had no answer
to their taunts.
wondered why
others were made so fair.

the years have passed,
and I've stopped looking
at people, at their gods,
and learned to look inside.
i know now, why, my Krishna,
you are the dark one.

so great is your love for me,
to cleanse my soul,
from its darkness
you took on its colors
and made me new.

not your cup

2005-09-18T23:16:00.000-07:00

leave the loving
for us insane ones.
go build a white picket fence,
and save your little house.

being in love, my love,
is not your cup of joe.

it's no decaf americano,
this love,
it's dark, mysterious, sweet,
it drives you to lick cream
off plastic spoons
eyes closed, oblivious
of stares, ignorant of
'what ifs' and 'buts'.

at its darkest, it's desire.
a free fall from the sky
into white waters
that end in a whirlpool.
and you don't know how to swim.

at its lightest, it's caring.
watching the waves on a beach
lit only by a thousand fireflies
waiting for the sliver moon to set.

it's bitter too, and addicting.
there are no time outs
in this ritual dance
of two steps forward, one back,
holding close to let go,
and letting go to meet once again.
delicious storms in the coffee cup.

so, you, my traitorous one,
can go dilute some other
espresso. come back
when you've learnt to drink deep
from this coffee cup
called insanity.

-----------------

i have had this saved as a draft for ages...outgrew it, i guess. but here it is.

five seconds of fame

2005-09-06T21:18:00.000-07:00

http://Manisha.Lakhe.famousstar.de/

as i look at the production schedule in my hands, looks like i am in the motion picture business.

i plan to blog the entire process...so watch this space!

2005-09-04T20:50:00.000-07:00

I’m breaking this habit,
Of kissing you in my dreams.
For when I do,
I wander through my day
On autopilot,
Smiling at appliances,
Bumping into closed doors.

Even turning the pages,
Of a newspaper spread
on the cold morning floor,
(lying on my tum),
Becomes an explicit experience.

Just the other day,
I stood under the shower
Re-living the dream,
Until the city water supply
Announced a crisis.

When the coffee that was touched
By dark, bitter chocolate
Touched my lips,
and I exhaled your name,
Friends turned into enemies,
And left the table.
And our favorite coffee shop.
Turned into one giant
Neon-lit fantasy.

I ought to drop my high heels,
And take to running shoes,
Write ‘I’m sorry’ notes,
To friends and family.

Stop laughing at my confession!
Don’t even think about
Offering a spoonful
Of the whipped delight
Of your cappuccino.
Your grin is bad enough
To weaken my resolve.

A trip to the mall

2005-08-09T12:46:00.000-07:00

I’m buying self esteem at the mall,
Look at me and say you’re fine,
Says the damned mirror on the wall!

The boyfriend dumped me after all,
Makeover to hide that too bright shine,
I’m buying self esteem at the mall.

When will you use the lace, doll?
You’re wasting time, stop that whine,
Says the damned mirror on the wall!

I’m hoping against odds he’ll call,
Or message me to say he’s mine.
I’m buying self esteem at the mall.

Your eyes did sparkle, you did walk tall,
He was a mistake, try calvin klein!
Says the damned mirror on the wall!

Visa’s loyal, although he’s awol,
Go out, get drunk from nine to nine.
I’m buying self esteem at the mall,
Says the damned mirror on the wall!

Its a Villanelle!

2005-08-09T12:37:00.000-07:00

You don’t want me to say, ‘I love you!’
But your smile says you can relate,
Tell me what I should then do?

You bring me joy, I’m living anew,
I found love, and you want me to wait?
You don’t want me to say, ‘I love you!’

Knowing that you reciprocate,
Drunk on kisses, just see my state,
Tell me what I should then do?

This drunkenness, if only you knew,
Is a reason to live, yet, my mate,
You don’t want me to say, ‘I love you!’

You do not see my point of view,
You do not believe it’s a thing of fate,
Tell me what I should then do?

I hoard but one desire, that’s you,
But you insist I get over this state.
You don’t want me to say, ‘I love you!’
Tell me what I should then do?

honest effort!

2005-07-04T04:12:00.000-07:00

how unfortunate can one get!
step in front of a bus,
its brakes are working fine.
no nudge, no fall.
only angry commuters,
and muddy clothes.
death would have been
a mere hiccup
in their everyday lives.

step out on the ledge.
realize one is not wearing
matching underwear,
so step back in.
malt is borrowed courage,
but doesn't drown
ingrained Cosmo rules.

walk beside the churning seas,
with an intent to walk into them
and never look back.
but self styled baywatch bhais,
drag me out, wet,
and my hair is so fucked!
oil streaks, sand and beach debris.

see, it was easy enough to
destroy my words
that go with my name,
the delete key proved very handy.
but you want silence,
complete silence.
but each time i close my eyes
i feel your arms around me,
and my plans are postponed
for the next moment without you.

i'm trying, i'm trying hard
(cross my heart!)
to give you the silence you asked.
just that damned love keeps
getting in the way.

wishes

2005-07-03T20:53:00.000-07:00

wish i could steal
your laughter to add to
my hoarded desires.

wish i could sneak
into your head
and plant dreams

wish i could walk
in the rain with you
like once before

wish i could
offer you silence
without missing you.

(credit for phrase 'hoarded desires' goes to khuto. wish i had thought it up.)

khisiani now

2005-07-02T22:55:00.000-07:00

Every time I open the bloody newspapers, sunday or otherwise, I come across the whiskey set complaining how tough it is to get home from the airport in this rainy water-clogged season. i bet if he were asked to donate the money that he spends on just one bottle of whiskey towards a 'take your city in your own hands' program, he would be the first to slink away in the shadows where he really truly belongs.

i am a nobody but i am going to give it a try. i am going to start this process of finding out how many people are ready to not put up with the bullshit the BMC feeds us any more. fed up with rubbish that we are fed day after soggy day about everything.

if you happen to read this and have ideas, share.

am usually mild mannered. but right now i am wagging an angry tail.

turn to shah rukh

2005-07-01T00:32:00.000-07:00

have chased,
connections.
have trusted,
laughter.
have discovered,
desire.
have found,
expression.
have given,
oneself...

hey! stop right there.
who asked you?
who forced you?
don't whine now.
about desires,
about connections,
and don't even mention
that overused word
called 'lurrve'.

its a game, you know.
and you're getting
boringly predictable.
if you can't play the game
step out, save yourself.
besides,
you're too old,
and look needy.
that's pathetic, you know.

so no writing
lovelorn lyrics,
on ridiculous blogs,
about passionate kisses
on rainy afternoons.

get yourself a haircut,
and shiny dupattas,
for flowery salwaars.
go join a kitty party,
and have very loud
fatty aunty lunches.
and watch shah rukh
bathe topless
in inane movies.

patience

2005-06-09T10:09:00.000-07:00

i will let you be poet,
paying homage
to another you call muse.
i’ll stick to prose.

i will let you be poet,
find passion
in her arms, her eyes.
i’ll stick to prose.

i will let you be poet,
won’t hold you
to rash promises.
i’ll stick to prose.

and when she leaves you,
as muses are wont to,
i shall, like one starved,
help you gather the pieces
and write prose.

sssith...

2005-05-21T05:35:00.000-07:00

i wish someone has hissed that to george lucas...the fans would have been spared the 'revenge' which should have ideally been called 'the let down', and he would have rested upon his laurels as asked.

ssssith down! i wish someone had told me to do just that...the dinosaur exhibit was soooo huge, i felt my age. my arms ache from carrying the souvenirs. my two enthusiastic mates were busy touching fossils and feeling footprints...after my first scream (jurassic park, when the t.rex swallows the lawyer), i've never really been comfortable around dinosaurs (even if they are just a bunch of bones tied together with giant twisties. i realised that my stomach was twistd up in knots when we were walking back through the park and i wanted to upchuck in the Shakespeare park. (thank goodness i was spared that ignominy by the larkspurs and the last of the tulips).

i wonder if broadway plays are supposed to have so much over the top acting...i know 'The Producers' is supposed to be an exaggeration, but when the words are so clever, why exaggerate the body movements? but i seemed to be the only one in the audience who winced at some of them...and i apart from the 'adolf elizabeth hitler, descendant of many generations of english queens' the gay jokes in the play are stupid. i have way too many gay friends, some flamingly so, but none of them are so typecast as in the play. i wonder of the coffee and cheesecake have dulled everyone...

apple crumble at the europa cafe is incredible. ta!

the revenge of the sith

2005-05-20T08:50:00.000-07:00

methinks John Abraham's 'Karam' was a far better film than Revenge of the Sith. Admitted, it steals swordfights and gunfights from all kinds of films, but at least it does so unashamedly, without pretenses. in 'Star Wars', george lucas simply uses fiery lava landscape to distract us from sad sabre fights. too many hands and legs get cut off... and it's not as fun as in Kill Bill. I was so disappointed (i have been a big big star wars fan) i wished i had seen the finale of CSI directed by Quentin Tarantino instead (i hate watching tv).

the review of the film in the new yorker magazine and the village voice is so good, i shall not say any more...shall find out if one may reproduce bits from it and post it here...

meanwhile i am off to see the dinosaur exhibit at the natural history museum...

unplanned

2005-05-14T23:39:00.000-07:00

i planned the lace,
i planned the face,
hair and hands
and legs as well,
where and when,
were planned and how!
but your time and mine
somewhere, somehow,
could never really jell.

but just that day,
upon a whim,
when i was locked out
in the summer sun,
i called to hear your voice.

you asked me where i was,
and walked up to meet my sighs.

the dust, the heat,
had had their fill,
and my lips were
burning dry,
my clothes did smell
like a battered day,
and i know i looked like hell.

but then i kissed you,
and you kissed me,
i think it went quite well,
so danger be hanged,
and planning be damned,
i'll have it this way again!

california dreamin

2005-05-14T09:08:00.000-07:00

it's strange. coming back to a country that once classified you as mere H4. i want to desperately feel that wide-eyed wonder tourists feel about a new place. i want to enjoy the wide open spaces and my anonymity and forget about overcrowded streets of mumbai, the claustrophobia inducing family i have left behind for a few weeks...

i am hoping something will snap me out of this weird 'untouched' mode i am in right now.

buy 'made in india' linen dresses from the petites section
calfornia chinese at 'pf changs'
new comp at fry's, the one i am using right now
starbucks coffee
new DS games
borders
seriously think of starting india's first 'public storage'
bought spongebob squarepants the movie on dvd and shall we dance (original japanese)

theres the new exploratorium to be seen, friends to be met, chocolate to be had. but why do my thoughts go back to an unfinished

stolen

2005-05-10T20:41:00.000-07:00

was it a bad idea
on that humid
hot afternoon,
to turn
a crumpled shirt
with a brown button,
wince on a funny bone,
smudge on glasses,
arms everywhere,
undone hair,
funny moans
escaping locked lips,
taste and smell,
trembling hands,
a whispered promise
'some other time',
into a memory?

Wakt. comic timing, but little else.

2005-05-04T21:36:00.000-07:00

as with most hindi films, one is supposed to leave the brains resting back home. when someone suggested Wakt, i thought it would be a welcome relief from the flood of the telegu movies i have been viewing lately (don't ask!).

if you are still waiting to see the film, here are a few dos and don'ts.

take your 'amitabh bachchan hai to film dekhnee hee hai' button. (remember to hide it in the wallet on way back home, then invest in 'boman irani is funny' button).

do not forget to take a calculator (or someone who can add for you). that's for counting the number of times akshay kumar breaks into tears. i'd rather see him beat up baddies in b-grade action flicks. one forgets to count simply because one gets sidetracked into debating whether the effort of squeezing out tears is actually acting or just a hidden camera thing of a constipated man.

amitabh bachchan hams it. but i am a big fan, so i could see only his impeccable comic timing. he should not be wearing abu jani sandeep khosla stuff. maybe just armani.

speaking of comic timing, i loved boman irani.

the deadpan servant thing got to be too much after a while and one began wondering what he chap is going to say that would be completely unrelated.

one could happily carry on a conversation with a pal on the cell phone (without tuning it to 'silent' mode) because the soundtrack is so loud, even the neighbor would not hear your conversation.

i think there are a few songs in the film but don't remember them, and i dont think anyone else will either.

the mom in the film wears very nice sarees.

if you have to see the film, take a few happily drunk friends along. fortify yourself with coffee or whatever (the last hour actually tests your 'stay put in the seat' skills).

the film actually uses the principle of 'suspension of disbelief' to the fullest. film schools may use it as an example in the future. am glad i do not have to study for credits any more.

*****

i saw a scene of the film being shot and was wowed by amitabh bachchan's skill. this is the scene where amitabh bachchan is at the hospital, and akshay comes to see him but then gets annoyed at his taunts, hands money over to the mom. one minute the big b was teasing me about how his fans have switched over to become fans of his son (i mentioned Dhoom a couple of times), and the next minute he had slipped into the role. absolutely effortless!

*****

I don't care what people think. Chiranjeevi decked up in a mythological costume drama. 'Manjunatha' looks heartstoppingly good! The man has legs!

Saundarya died too early. if one had to compare her to Priyanka Chopra, i'd choose Saundarya as she would look today, exhumed, any day. maybe we could offer Priyanka Chopra instead and throw in Neha Dhupia for a bargain with the devil and bring Saundarya back.

*****

seeking

2005-03-17T07:51:00.000-08:00

Tricked!

2005-03-12T21:39:00.000-08:00

operating on apathy? me?
i admit, i used to lose
my shirt, my temper,
the change in my pocket,
and many an hour, rescuing
books lying on sidewalks,
their spines torn, pages unglued,
imaginary suffering of friends,
their tears and travails,
beer bottles buried in sand,
empty and broken,
idols immersed in oceans
overburdened with plastic,
singing birds in cages,
and performing monkeys,
outstretched skinny hands,
starved for food,
little fish from big ones,
scared cats off fences,
but i realised, tho late,
you had planned it all.
a simple ruse to distract me.
am wiser to your tricks now,
i'll let my need rule me
plain and true: i need you.
shan't hear anything but your name
see nothing but you
feel nothing but love
until you show yourself
take my hand and make me yours.

another review!

2005-03-04T19:31:00.000-08:00

was standing in the queue for tickets to 'the aviator' when i heard two twenty-somethings ahead of me, squeal something about going to the movies together. now films have always been a lonely occupation for me. just the screen, the coffee in my hand and me. used to hate the incessant chatter when movies have all the magic. but hindi films are another creature altogether. you need company to slay it, caress it, keep it or throw it. anyway, here they were to twenty something women discussing a new film which i was certain i was never going to see it, because the woman who usually drags us to these films had just found herself a new job. so i listened in happily.

"did you know he got it lasered?"
"eeek!"
"yaa men. now he is all chicknaa. warnaa he was so hairy!"

(aah! so they are talking about anil kapoor, but why? i thought zayed khan was more their generation, but i listen on...)

"how could you see it without me!"

"sorry yaar, i had to take my mother!"

"how could you! you could have called me at least. i would have come with you! your mum knows me!"

"no re. sometimes she is just verrrry low. its been seven months since dad died naa. so she needed to be a little pampered."

"yahi film you got or what to see?!"

"aare baba but it was sooo baad! i'm telling you, tera sau rupaya bach gayaa!"

"why?!"

"aare...kareena's clothes are the only good thing about the movie!"

"lekin the promos are sooo hot --"

"they must have shot the promos separately!"

"aare...bol to rahee hoon, at least shbd they showed sanjay dutt's bare back. this one has nothing. poora waste of sau rupya!"

"what are you saying?!"

"there's no bewafaii in bewafa at all!"

(at this point they notice a huge smile across my face, and realise that i have been listening. they put a hand on their mouths and start giggling. i motion them to move forward as it is their turn to buy tickets. predictably, they are going to watch 'sins'!)

Tetherballs of Bougainville

2005-02-21T08:51:00.000-08:00

The New York Times describes 'The Tetherballs Of Bougainville' as: lava seems lukewarm compared to Leyner's red-hot riffing on the ephemera of popular culture."

now on a normal day i would have ignored a review but the back cover enticed me with:

'Say you're thirteen years old and your father is about to be executed by lethal injection for a murder committed with a shoplifted hand-blender when you learn that you have only one day in which to submit your entry for the prestigious Vincent and Lenore DiGiacomo/Oshimitsu Polymers America Award, which is given every year for the best screenplay written by a student of Maplewood Junior High School. The problem is, you haven't come up with the title. What do you do?

If you're a kamikaze humorist Mark Leyner, you turn your predicament into a demented product that might be called a novel, if that definition can be stretched to include a hybrid of memoir, screenplay, and movie review (with a little classy poem thrown in). Navigating the remotst tributaries of popular culture, airing our most appaling and outlandish appetities, The Tetherballs of Bougainville is all the funnier because it tells the truth about who we are, right now.'

i dont care what the truth is as long as i did not have to defend not reading yet another indian author writing in pretentious english (about eminently unsuitable boys or achaar scented incest in the backwaters), or a non resident indian penning more ghastly short stories about the indian experience and then dissing india because they were so 'nu yawk'...

this book made me forget every cliche and recreated the magic that fiction could really be.

i even stole one book happily from the extensive library aboard Carnival Cruise Lines (after they conveniently lost my laptop), and thank god i did as the book is not available on amazon or powells any more.

other books by Mark Leyner are:

Et Tu, Babe
I smell Esther Williams
Tooth Imprints on a Corn Dog
My Cousin, My Gastroenterologist

like a rabidly hungry canine, i devoured all his books. after tom sharpe he is the only one that managed to convert me to putty.

altho i do freely admit to reading and being completely absorbed by Across the Nightingale Floor and all its sequels... some morantic part of me that refuses to be squished i think...and also to having read all the No.1 ladies detective agency series (positively hated the short stories by the doctor though)...

but then i absolutely watch all big bee and srk films, and write love poems...so a few brain cells are clearly not breathing.

however...partially distrcated by 'trishul' on sony, i have realised that i do not remember why i wanted to write about Mark Leyner in the first place. maybe i need to sleep. but the sins one is about to commit will keep me awake i am sure...

Light on Black!

2005-02-17T23:36:00.000-08:00

It was early morning when the telephone rang. not having prepared myself for a social lie ' i'm busy maybe some other time...' i happened to answer, 'no...i'm free, bolo!' to this friend who happily proceeded to take advantage of my truth and rope me into seeing a film with her. Black!

as my friend Vee from Austin explains..."it's another version of 'The Miracle Worker'. Having read the play and watched the original theatrical release with 2 award winning performances, had aboslutely no desire to see another re-interpretation, albeit a desi one. So much for all the hype about something completely different, something that had never been done before.(?) Et tu, Bhansali?"

Now Vee is a movie buff,I mean she can 'movie sequence' like she programmed the damned game and in comparison, i can barely connect two or maybe three films...(the game is film sequence and you can download it from the lifetimetv web site), and when she has this opinion about the film when everyone is gushing, I thought it would be a good film to catch.

i am in the theater, and six coffees later i have no desire to use the ladies' as the damned water has been released through tears. my head is so heavy from the obscene color maniplation (not to be confused as copying off the big K's three color coded films red, white, and blue) of black and white. i have a headache and i feel grossly manipulated.

headache because everyone acts over the top. the dad hates the disabled kid, the mom is over the top illogical (one minute agrees with the dad, next minute she's kowtowing to AB), the house where the kid stays is like a library or a museum (the photographs are far too many, placed too high... did people in the house climb up ladders to view the photos?)...

I love films but i am very suspicious when copious tears are deliberstely induced by the director...looks like the dialog writer was directed: aisee lines likho ke har line par aansoo aa jaaye! close your eyes in the film and you might see shades of kadar khan there...give me sholay or deewar or even veer-zaara's 'aisa des hai mera' for that matter for dialogs that touch the heart! why, i can still recite dialogs of AB's old film Trishul...

i think the almost knee-jerk reaction to films like this one is "wow" simply because it deals with disability. hence the assumption it must be good.

"how can you laugh aloud at rani's chaplinesque walk? she's blind!"
" see how beautifully she's trying!"
this is what someone said to me as i got up to get my nthcp of coffee. i was hoping the bloody story had moved forward by the time i got back. it doesn't it gets worse! one of my friends is visually impaired, and i DO NOT SEE HER WALK LIKE THAT. and its not 'cute' or 'good direction' to have a slly chaplin film (very obviously a directors cheap trick)play at the stupid cinema theater..who's he 'kid'ding!

and what's with the weird clothes? if it's a period film then AB's clothes are buttoned all wrong. too few buttons on his jacket. and the stupid kid (sorry, just rolling the eyeballs skywards and behaving like a cheap exorcist imitationor even throwing food about is not acting, it's being a brat) wears skirts. what kind of mother puts skirts on an accident prone disabled kid? she should be wearing pants! the horrid princess leia hairdo on rani is just as bad as it was in star wars...

at film school one is taught to write out character definitions on a page to help understand progression or growth of character. eg. how will he/she dress, react to social situations etc..try figuring out the dad and the mum...you'll go crazy!

has anyone seen kamalhasans hindustani, chachi 420? or govinda's movie with multiple roles? sunny the spy or even anil kapoors fat-man make up...the prosthetics were far far superior in any of those films than this one, and this one happily gives credit to some chap for his obvious and hence shoddy make up. and what a horrendous white wig has been given to amitabh bachchan so it matches the hospital white! one did not know the disease wasted hair color as well as the brain!

given that there's nobody like amitabh bachchan. but he limps too the moment he starts doing a shake-the-head a la veer pratap singh from yash chopras latest...

forget about black. i'm betting long names for movies are soon going to make a comeback...after all black did not work, neither will sheesha or bewafa or any of the stupid movies... and we'll continue to put or hands on each other's mouths, and confound the dumb waiters at restaurants by mouthing "woaaater!"

Get Off!

2005-02-15T06:02:00.000-08:00

Get off that merry-go-round!
It’s for people half your age!
Get off that table!
Stop that dancing!
Stop that drinking!
Stop that singing off-key!
Join the matrons now!
Your turn is done!
The sun has set,
on your parade!

Cant you see?!
We were just,
Too polite to say it!
But now it’s time,
To hang up those dancing shoes,
To put away your clown hat,
To pick up that walking stick,
And settle down quietly
in that rocking chair.

It’s time to complain
About the nasty weather,
of tired aching joints,
and sudden pains,
faltering eyesight, fine print,
And lack of civilized company.

untitled

2005-02-09T08:21:00.000-08:00

my dreams are too endless,
my mind knows no fatigue.
i do not want peace with you,
i want you.
endlessly...

the prophesy

2005-02-03T11:21:00.000-08:00

the awakening

when water shall touch you
you shall be marked with fire

he will walk with you in search of words
and you will sift the words for him

you will heal his fractured spirit
and he will bring to life yours

the acceptance

and you will want for nothing
if you begin to accept this your fate

fight you must for unpractised are you
the ways of fire may singe your soul

for the fire could blind you to the calls
the fire could take away the healing

temper the fire with your cool waters
let willingness mingle fire and water

the realization

fire shall rage stronger by day
memories of water soothe the nights

waters in turn shall be tamed and calm
for fire shall make strong the healing

just fifteen days before a year is marked
the water shall with fire willing meet

all else shall be put to wait
water-fire fire-water shall part not again.

coffee, you and me

2005-02-02T20:51:00.000-08:00

Once, I hid safely
Behind smirks of coffee
And crackling conversation.

Once, my dangly ear-rings
Distracted those wanting
To look deeper.

Once, my brazen hair
Outshone happily, everything
Between my ears.

Once, my eyebrow
Raised artfully, quelled
All attempts at intimacy.

Still wondering why,
I let you unravel
This carefully knit personality,
Over mocha and samosa.

(an apparently better version of this is on caferati...)

page three, dahlings!

2005-02-02T01:53:00.000-08:00

i would absolutely hate to have a sullen, unhappy, miserably made up, badly dressed reporter wander thru my beautifully turned out page three party. even tho she is the daughter of a very very dear friend of mine, who would rather be seen dead than wander about a party dressed like a JNU drop out. yes, yes, dahlings. I finally saw 'page three'.

and loved the film. really really loved the film. the drivers were real, their language was so cool i wish i had taken down some of the lines. i wish i had written some of those lines. i cannot stop laughing about one of them calling his boss 'doberman' because i am reminded of not so long ago when a friend called her husband 'gabbar'...i absolutely luuurrrved the cop with a short fuse and a degree from ferguson; he was so sooo manly, i forgave him his profuse perspiration. i loved the creepy movie director who asks in a deadpan voice, 'degi kya'. i loved the karva chauth party. i loved the socialites. i loved when dolly thakore says, "show me something in white". i loved the snivelling secretaries of hunks. i loved sandhya mridul. even loved the ingenue from dilli. i love atul kulkarni walking to lecture konkona in kolhapuri chappals. i wish i had written the maachis exchanging scene between the policeman mister bhonsle and atul kulkarni. i loved everyone except our oily bengoily babe who was practically in every frame of the film.

don't know what madhur bhandarkar was hoping to get out of having the 'jhi'-like konkona sen wander around the brilliantly shot parties. she was so sullen i wanted NOT to gossip with her...i suppose he probably needed approval from the arty set...but she was so yukky i wanted to make a 'cold cream mein kitnee chipchipahat' wala 30 seconder...her make up was oily, i checked my own t-spot several times thru the film. and so many close-ups! shudder! atul kulkarni looked cleaner than her. hasn't anyone informed her of an oil-free face-wash?

everyone around our sullen (someone slap her! she has a job, and she cribs and cribs and cribs!) reluctant page three girl grows up as a character. the dilli girl, sandhya mridul, the various boy friends, the editor, and why, even the socialites manage to grow as characters. while crib queen just wanders about in clothes my bandra maid would not wish to be seen dead wearing. i mean what's with khadi gramodyog type kurtas? looking at her awful clothes, and worse ear-rings, i know for sure that she would not have the sense to figure out if wore a dated armani or a brand new araiya outfit to the party.

i know page three reporters who are so smart, so quick on the uptake that she looks out of place. she has no special dialogs, so when she makes that one smart crack as she tells the 'mate' 'lock the door next time', it seems like someone else said it.

sorry i sniggered when i saw her best mate and her boy friend make out. 'bound to happen!' cooed a silly co-ed sitting in the row behind us. 'they are so sexy and she is so eeeek!'

and i protest vehemently if anyone calls this acting:

she lands up in a madh bungalow where children are 'working'. her expression as she opens the bedroom door should have been that of a suicidal fish surprised at the worm that came with the hook, not as if she really expected a puja.

she is at an underwear shoot as a reporter. she looks like shes auditioning for balika bodhu, she simpers and smiles so coyly i want someone to tell her there are page three reporters who could tell you they've seen naked pool parties and would never bat an eyelash in surprise.

she even reacts badly when she is asked to be crime beat babe. i would be thrilled, because that's what i wanted, and to be training under the newspaper's best crime guy...she looks as if she were being made to drink castor oil.

so, should you see it?

But, of course! if the film were so bad, would i have wasted my time sitting through it? have walked out of naach and have asked people to stop munching popcorn when we were watching schindler's list, so would i tell you to see it if i had not loved it?! with neverland in the theaters which is goooood? i would have told you go see shark tale, or even the incredibles in hindi, or watch a re-run of kuch kuch hota hai- on sony tv...

go see it! but spend only the morning show money. 50 bucks is way too much already for the torture of seeing the sullen babe.

afterthought:

maybe she should be cast in and as 'phoolandevi II, the return to death valley'

maybe i would cast the girl who does the society pages for the Mid-day instead...

maybe i would cast the decomposing body of parveen babi instead...

Blame it on the kimmam

2005-02-01T08:49:00.000-08:00

methinks the khan and karan johar ought to do a 'lata mangeshkar' on the errant nandy babe. on the other hand maybe the entire film industry will automatically do a 'lata mangeshkar' on PNC...

what's a 'lata mangeshkar' you say? our very catty nightingale had once effectively killed competition from bole re papihara babe from the south by simply saying: shan't sing for anyone who asks her to sing.

i was also wondering why we have not heard a peep out of that pony-tailed self-styled management guru who insisted he was going to storm the film world by his well-researched film...the film came and went and no one including the audience cared...i don't think people even bothered to review it...only khunnas is, why are we so tolerant of fake guys like arindam chowdhary, and don't ask him to go back to his books or in the very least stop calling himself an expert or cut his pony tail off as an old fashioned prayaschitt...

maybe we should have a little more decency or self control and not show beautiful women in a state of decomposition... am speaking of parveen babi...even if it sells newspapers...

have suffered this control mechanism within that will not allow alcohol to get me off balance, neither will it allow the weed to work...but have discovered an old fashioned high called kimmam. it's going to help me thin-slice everyday life. and if you have not read blink, you will not understand what i am talking about. so until then, i leave you to fester...

Late

2005-01-31T08:09:00.000-08:00

I wandered about the house silently mouthing the name we had made up for you. I wondered how your pudgy baby arms would feel around my neck. I hugged myself. I have been doing that a lot lately. And smiling. I unwittingly walk into the room we have painted for you. Swirls from ‘Night Sky’. Yes, we want you to adore the same pictures. Listen to Bhimsen Joshi and Nusrat. We have even decided that you have to hear ‘Ode’ in German and not the crass ‘joyful, joyful’. Then I smile as I look at my image reflected in the glass that protected me from the cold January breeze beating down Council Crest. Portland was beautiful in winter, baby, and daddy will take you skiing on Mount Hood or maybe Rainier. Mommy would be waiting at the Lodge, memorizing Scrabble lists (so she could beat daddy at the game once again), until both would return, so tired from playing in the snow, you would sleep in the car on the way back home. I smile again. The word ‘mommy’ was far cry from the swear-a-sentence Armani clad creative director who could quell arguments with just one raised eyebrow. But I did not mind it. I know I am not cut out for diaper smells, or strewn toys, or baby burps or even bawling babies. I have never ever held a baby in my hands before, never wanted to. But you have changed that already. I have willingly stepped out of my stilettos and silk tights into hush puppies and track pants. I will never buy a baby bag with teddy bears and pink elephants but your diapers would be happy in the black Calvin Klein baby tote, I think.

I frown. Why was the phone ringing so much? What had happened to the answering machine?

Ah… the girls had not given up on me yet. We are going shopping, baby! Vee masi and your momma were going shoe hunting at Nordstrom. Maybe we will check the Rack out as well. The difference between Vee masi and momma was that Vee masi bought shoes when she was unhappy, and momma bought shoes just because she could.

The drive is fun, 108 fm is playing Bad Company again. I must remember to take the chunk of clay rolling about the trunk and dump it at the Community College. Mommy is not allowed to sit at the wheel any more. But when you grow up a bit, I shall teach you all about glazes.

Daddy is going to meet me at Powell’s after I’m done shopping. We’ll have cookies and chai and maybe not resist buying one more baby book, and then come home.

I buy three pairs of flatties. How much Vee and I laugh at the change. But I cannot resist that sexy two-toned slingback, so I give in. Maybe I can wear them after you are born…

Powell’s is so crowded I cannot find your daddy. My feet ache, my back aches and I am in the Blue Room, leaning against the bookshelf. Where is your daddy? Suddenly everything seems to recede. Thank god your Daddy materializes. What is he looking at me like that for? Why are so many crowding me? Go away all you people. I am just dazed a bit from shopping, that’s all.

I tell you baby, your daddy is going drive me crazy with his concern. He has left his car in the parking lot and hey he’s driving me to St.Vincents’. Maybe I should just lean back and close my eyes. Why is my back aching so much?

He’s talking to Doctor Arvind on the car phone, does not want to listen to me. I am going to be fine, let’s just go home. Don’t crash the gears; it’s a sports car sweetie, not your Montero.

St.Vincents is cold. My head hurts. The stupid nurse insists I sit on the wheelchair. Really! I am pregnant, not ill. But I feel so tired. I do not wish to argue any more. I feel silly being wheeled around like that. And will someone listen to me? The wheelchair is wet! It’s making my clothes wet. See hon, touch this, it’s wet, isn’t it? Why am I am feeling so tired? Someone will please someone get me off the wet chair? Why are you shouting my name? And why is your hand bloodied? Hell! They made me sit down on a bloodied chair! My white Gap pants will never be the same! Oh Doctor A, there you are! Sorry about all this fuss. What? Just that my back hurts like hell. Huh? Too late? What are we late for?

random

2005-01-19T21:45:00.000-08:00

wolves are unforgiving,
but never quiet.
come, bay at the erring moon.

*****************************

shaam dhalte dhalte
hamara bhi kuch loot gayee hai
koi roko use, wah --
raat mein gul ho chali hai.

jazz

2005-01-17T01:33:00.000-08:00

under orion's shadow
and a waxing moon
fate did sprinkle
a handful of stardust
on you and me last evening.

"give in, give in," said the stars.
but you, determined to be difficult,
let me drown my desires
in the capuccino swirls,
and the last few crumbs
of unholy dark chocolate
sticking to the lazy curves
of a silver spoon called need.

Untitled

2005-01-16T20:01:00.000-08:00

I'm tired, love.
Really really tired.
Tired of the knowing
And my inability of doing.

Tired of caring,
And healing and giving.
Tired of the voices
Seeking shelter in me.

Tired of it all.

Take me away then
Where the stardust
Shall cover my wounds.

Where the peace of the night,
Shall blanket it all.

Where I shall sleep,
And hear voices no more.

Where it wouldn't matter
If Mars found Venus at all.

Where I could curl up
Once again, in your arms,

And would not need to
Wake up again, any more.

Tequila...tequila...

2005-01-16T19:23:00.000-08:00

Cucaracha

1 part tequila
1 part Kahlua

Use a little pipe. Put the mix in a brandy cup. Fire the mix.
When it is burning, suck the mix faster than you can say,"Cucaracha!"

*******************

Fire 'n' Ice

1 part tequila
1 part peppermint Schnapps

Pour Schnapps carefully over tequila. Drink it.
At first it is nice and cool...then, fire!

*******************

Poor Fish

4-6 centilitres of tequila in a big whiskey glass with a thick bottom.
1 tiny golfish

1. Place fish on the bar table.
2. Empty the contents of the glass in your mouth.
3. Smash the fish with the glass on its way down from your mouth.

********************

Tequila Sunrise, Really!

2005-01-16T03:04:00.000-08:00

I woke up with this terrible need to pee. "oh gawd, I'm turning out to be a real middle aged fart," I thought, rubbing the stubble on my chin and comparing it favorably to the cactus needles that seem to have sprouted all over my tongue.

I peed long. Hands free. My eyes still half closed to the diffused light forcing its way through the bathroom window. I yawned. And then looked down to get a grip on my wilting John Thomas and almost sprayed the bathroom, horrified by what I saw.

There were fifteen goldfish in there, an unflushed offering to the porcelain god.

And I had just peed on them.

I rushed out to the living room, naked, to confirm that number. Yes, there were fifteen goldfish in the pee-bowl, because the aquarium had none.

What had happened here? My head felt as if it had been on ice for a while. And why was a small giggly voice inside my head telling me to jump around? Why was it calling me, "Mowgli"? I shook my head...dance naked? Undignified? Sure. But I shrugged my shoulders. What the hell, who was going to see me do anything? Roopa was away for a bloody Feng Shui course!

Feng Shui? Feng fucking Shui?! Flashbulbs exploded in my brain and I held on to the phone for support. Feng Shui? Vaafuckingstu? Yoga? Art of fucking living? Earth Mother Circle? Clan of the fucking Cave Bears?

Last night the bunch of us had formed the Fed Up With Fads group. And Roopa's goldfish were sacrificed for our protest. A few of my heavy bottomed caballitos were sacrificed too. And four of the five bottles of fermented blue cactus juice as well.

Slam one. Some sputtered. It had been a long time since we had done this.

"Every time I turn to speak with Carla, there she is -- twisted up in some weird posture on the floor!"

"Think of all the action in your bedroom, man!"

"I thought the same thing! But Yoga is getting her close to God, not the husband!"

Slam two. Perfect. Like the memory of one's first cigarette.

"Each time I come home, I see her lighting candles for peace or some such shit. The whole house smells of vanilla ice cream or lemonade...I was a spectacle at the meeting today when I walked in smelling of lavender!"

Three. The salt and lime put my tongue on fire.

"Remember how Sudha hated my poster of Frank Zappa in the computer room? She would complain about his goatee...now she's torn it down and there's a huge picture of Jesus and of the five Sikh Gurus and a couple of sadhus...they all have beards and it doesn't faze her and she's praying to them all! She's even taking Sanskrit lessons to bloody 'understand the deeper meaning' of the religious texts!"

Four down.We salute the Aztecs and Indira Gandhi.

"I used to complain of Preeti being so hyper...now she's wearing white all the time and smiles all the time and spends all her time with the Art of Living chaps...the whole house feels alien..."

The fifth kills a few more brain cells.

"Someone called my darling Lolo 'fat', and that threw the whole house in disarray. The freezer is empty. We're eating rabbit food or some bizarre combination of six grains and seven greeens or the other way around. The kids are hungry all the time... We've visited McDonalds on the sly, and I hate lying about it to her."

"Gawd, you mean she is not going to make Chicken Kiev any more?"

We need the sixth now. The stories have become scarier.

"Raji has turned vegan. Threw out all my shoes and belts one Sunday morning. Called me the butcher of Bombay!"

Could we go on? How did the stories compare with the rowdy tequila nights at bars talking of body slamming with Jennifer Lopez? The eighth, ninth, and tenth knocked us all out.

I think I heard about Niki's trips to the tarot reader, and Shalu's sudden fascination with the celestial alignment of the stars. I know Deepak was crying over Natasha wandering about the house in a state of silence because she was practising Vipassana. I knew that fourteen goldfish lay dead on the table, and the members of Fed Up With Fads were lying under it.

Now it was my turn. Like others before me, I fished out the last wriggling goldfish by its tail and looked it straight in the eye. With the other hand, downed my shot.

That took me some time, but who was watching the clocks? I dropped the goldfish on the wooden table. It danced about wildly. I raised my arm and brought it down hard on the table, hoping to put the damned fish out of its misery. That's what the others had hoped too with their fish. It wasn't easy. With each attempt I voiced my hate for the Feng Shui that had swallowed my Roopa whole.

*******

Now Roopa tells me that the bandage on my forehead is the result of her discovering five guys asleep in the guest room (smiles plastered on their faces), me on the sofa ("What were you doing naked with those guys around?! Ugh!"), her goldfish in a very stinky bathroom, the next evening.

She had taken one hard look at everything, pronounced me guilty, and had meted out punishment she felt was eminently suited for the crime. She had taken the last bottle of tequila ("It was sitting on the table, laughing at me!" she claimed.), and had smashed it over my head.

This is not a fish story.

(december 14, 2000)