tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10189005.post112361644966302013..comments2023-09-21T17:22:58.661+05:30Comments on manishalakhe: Its a Villanelle!manisha lakhehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01788008662800072316noreply@blogger.comBlogger3125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10189005.post-1125972832533687392005-09-06T07:43:00.000+05:302005-09-06T07:43:00.000+05:30pps --just noticed, I think you accidentally misse...pps --<BR/><BR/>just noticed, I think you accidentally missed/dropped the intended rhyme scheme in this stanza:<BR/><BR/>| Knowing that you reciprocate,<BR/>| Drunk on kisses, just see my state,<BR/>| Tell me what I should then do?<BR/><BR/>(an easy formal goof we make at times when first getting into this form)<BR/><BR/>I'm sure it would be presumptuous to propose a specific rewrite. That said, I guess I'll take up the pen of presuption and sketch one idle possibility:<BR/><BR/>| What a dream our smooching drew!<BR/>| Drunk on kisses, look at my state,<BR/>| Tell me what I then should do?<BR/><BR/>-- note (while at it) -- perhaps this reflects some little nuanced difference between (my) American English & (your) Indian; but if I were writing this, I'd have the 3rd line as above, i.e.:<BR/><BR/>| Tell me what I then should do?<BR/><BR/>(thus reversing order of "then" and "should") -- the rhythm (to my ear & voice) goes more flowingly in this way, "I should then" seeming (on this side of the world-water at least) rather more strained & stilted, in an unnecessary way (given the other option. "Tell me what I <I>then</I> should do?" places emphasis on "then" -- accentuating a kind of (suitable, no?) "logical exasperation" -- a sense of being at wit's end.<BR/><BR/>(end of presumption alert)<BR/><BR/>cheers,<BR/>d.i.david raphael israelhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16621521896693000470noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10189005.post-1125940974598833902005-09-05T22:52:00.000+05:302005-09-05T22:52:00.000+05:30ps --oops (as it were). Your poem's title (strang...ps --<BR/><BR/>oops (as it were). Your poem's title (strangely enough) I misremembered as being "Is this a Villanelle?" Hence my (it must be) incomprehensible remark "To answer your question..." Whereas in fact your title itself exclaimed an answer to the imagined question my (short-term) memory had (mis)supplied in the first instance.<BR/><BR/>The discovery of which faux-pas seemed to necessitate recourse to an added annotation.<BR/><BR/>cheers withal,<BR/>d.i.david raphael israelhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16621521896693000470noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10189005.post-1125940618045567052005-09-05T22:46:00.000+05:302005-09-05T22:46:00.000+05:30good!Manisha, with much curiousity I've been brows...good!<BR/><BR/>Manisha, with much curiousity I've been browsing some Caferati-linked sites in the past day. Have not yet read a large volume of poems in them. But with that caveat, I can report that yours here are the first I've stumbled on (amid a congries of literary blogs) that strike me as "on the verge of superb." Or perhaps (with less equivocation), as quite good.<BR/><BR/>In recent years, I've also dabbled in the villanelle quite a bit (in one recent period, at times writing them more or less daily).<BR/><BR/>But (or so): to answer your question: yes, it is one.<BR/><BR/>The mix of heartbreak & wit, is perhaps what I like in the poems I'm seeing here; as well as a sense of language that, for one reason or another, sounds right to me.<BR/><BR/>best wishes,<BR/>d.i.<BR/>[obscure poet/painter/etc. in Washington, DC]david raphael israelhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16621521896693000470noreply@blogger.com