Friday, May 23, 2014

Heropanti nahi Hampanti

One Hysterical Star!

Mini Review:

MuscleBoy And HammyDad In An Unwanted But Hysterical Tribute To Bollywood.

Main Review:

The MuscleBoy has one of the finest roundhouse kicks and must have aced his gym class. But they make him do that while lip syncing to pointless, completely forgettable lyrics in a disco. If that is not enough, they give him a wannabe Bachchan line to repeat until you want to go down on your knees and self-flaggellate without waiting for Dies Sanguinis. 

The poor lad is so embarrassed and self-conscious, he must have been glad to have the camera shift to HammyDad (played by Prakash Raj who is not just a super-sized Ham sandwich with rancid cheesy lines, he owns the pig farm!)

The heroine alas has been picked off the Lokhandwala Heroine Factory that produces assembly line gals: big hair, big eyes, narrow waist, long legs, glossy lips, able to eat paani puri, wears ethnic jewelry, prays prettily to the Gods... 

So why should you see this movie? Let me count the ways...

For the scenes where Prakash Raj  and his glycerine-laced tennis-ball sized eyes in ping-pong ball sized sockets channelises his inner Lalita Pawar to show disapproval.

Because the word 'Heropanti' is used as many times in the movie as Helen does the hip shake in Mehbooba-mehbooba.

Because this movie tests your Bollywood knowledge by stealing the scenes, costumes and even lines... And the scapegoat of these hysterical tributes happens to be MuscleBoy. 

Remember Anil Kapoor in 1942 A Love Story? The poor lad is suddenly made to appear like him white shirt, suspenders, beret et al! Remember 'Main Yahan Hoon, Yahaan hoon' song from Veer Zara? The poor lad is made to romance the bride exactly like that. That's not all, the Shah Rukh hangover is evident even in the extended run-into-my-arms thing the poor lad performs awkwardly (his triceps are so enormous, gravity is unkind to such poses). There is a painful to observe shower scene where you wish there was someone to stab him a la Psycho. Of course, with muscles like his, there is a Salman Khan tearing of the shirt thang as well. And while shirts and jackets are coming off at regular intervals, they are used Jason Statham style (Transporter movies) during the fights. You don't mind the copy-paste fight much, but you will begin to despair when they make the young lad copy Rowdy Romeo. Puhleeeees! It was bad enough to see Shahid Kapoor grinning moronically when he sees Sonakshi Sinha and feel nothing when get beaten up, now we suffer MuscleBoy do the same in this movie. Come on! Think of copying something else from another Telugu film... 

But Prakash Raj gets the funniest lines (the 'I am dad' scene is the funniest most OTT scene ever!) and movie tribute scenes. The Heroine loves MuscleBoy whose name is Babloo (whatever happened to Rahul or Prem or Raj or Vijay. I wonder!) but her dad wants her to marry Rajjo (I had slapped my forhead so much by then, I suspect my forehead is permanently concave). I wonder if Shakespeare would amend his opinion about names (a rose does not smell as sweet if it were called Babloo). Of course there is a Babloo vs Rajjo fight before the wedding and you don't shout 'DDLJ Zindabad!' because you are still trying to coax the popcorn stuck in your throat after you see Hammydad take MuscleBoy's hand and place it on his own thigh and say, 'What does my daughter see in you that I don't'...

Recovered? Now remember the train scene in DDLJ. And then imagine the director getting clever with it. Correction. Getting 'oversmart' with it. They set the scene at New Delhi Railway Station. So you think there will be a heroine in wedding finery running to catch an extended arm while daddy dearest says, 'Ja beti jaa! Jee le apni zindagi!'... Wrong! They make Amrish Puri chase a bus with Kajol aboard. Yes! Scene stealing HammyDad runs after a bus saying, 'Beti! Beti!'
And if you are still hoping brain cells are alive after this mutilation of your favorite movies, they have this flute music from daddy's movie playing every five minutes (this movie is almost three hours long)

Poor MuscleBoy. This movie will not receive favorable reviews. Maybe he can roundhouse kick his advisors (daddy's chamchas?) and make better choices next time...